I literally hate being an empath. It is not a gift, it is a fucking curse.
As an empath, I "feel" everything, as if it is happening to me. It goes beyond sympathy and empathy, it is a literal gut punch of pain, or excitement, or anger...It is not self-centeredness or narcissism, its a deep intuition that affects my heart and mind and behavior.
It is also a curse to be able to pick up on others feelings...its a weird telepathy clusterfuck.
When I see news footage or read about families being run over by trucks, people dying, sickness that could be avoided if insurance companies didn't deny life saving claims, it is a gut punch to me, I feel like "they don't deserve to suffer and it should be me suffering, not them"...I feel a type of guilt that they are in the position they are in, like I could do something about it, but in reality I cannot.
I can even pick up on animals emotions, sicknesses, or cancer...a few years ago, my neighbors dog was acting weird, he was licking his paws and his mouth was watering...I knew straight away he was "sick", so I sat with him and started petting him, as my hands roamed over his body, I felt a "pain" in my middle right side of my body...I told my neighbor to get this dog to the vet...I took her, the vet said that Herman, the dog, had liver cancer and was dying....my gut pain was in my liver area of my body...I literally felt his cancer....he had to be put down. I felt so bad "for knowing this dog was dying" that I paid the vet bill....
I have done this before with other peoples animals...Before my grandson was starting to show signs of his Chordoma,..whenever we were around each other, I kept feeling a pain in my lower neck and upper back...I thought I had a "crik" or something like that...but when my grandson would leave my presence or go home, the pain subsided..This happened like 3 times until I finally told my son, hey listen, something is wrong with Gagey, you need to take him to the doctor. They refused, saying that Gage is just acting out (Gage started to not want to wear shirts and jackets because he said clothes hurt him), my son and daughter in law took him to see a child psychologist and blew off his behavior as just "a kid wanting attention" Gagey was spanked and punished all the time for his odd behavior....this went on for months and months, and I kept pressuring them to take him to a medical doctor-----they blew me off...Finally, they took him to his doctor, test were ran and the verdict was in "Stage 4 Chordoma", the tumor was so advanced even St Judes Childrens Hospital could do nothing for him. It was too late---my son waited to long to get him medical attention. Gagey died 5 weeks after he was diagnosed...Chordoma is a tumor in the neck, its a tumor that literally splits the spine in half....I felt that tumor growing in my own neck (the crik sensation) although I did not realize it, until it was too late.
I had felt my grandsons literal pain, and I was ignored just like Gagey was ignored....and now he is dead....he could have been helped if it had been caught way earlier...
The pain of his dying was more than just the pain of losing my grandson at age 8, it went deeper than that....I felt tremendous guilt that I did not do more to press my kids to take him to a medical doctor, I let it slide, I could have given him many more years of life if I had just taken a stand!!!!! But I didn't, I gave my kids the benefit of the doubt, they were his parents, I was not......I felt like I literally was complacent in his death....that is a guilt, to this day, I cannot get over, ever.
Now with all this political bullshit with a lying trump, I feel intense pain for what is to come...already this new year, on new years day...a US soldier and American citizen drove a truck onto revelers in New Orleans and killed 15 people, another US soldier and American blew up a Tesla truck and killed himself in Las Vegas....there was a mass shooting in Maryland, all of this violence has had a staggering affect on my empathic tendencies'. I feel anger over and above what I should be feeling...my emotions are on an all time high and it is making me literally sick....
When an empath feels any type of emotion or gut feeling, it is 100 times more apparent...empaths feel everything, good, bad, whatever....
I am also picking up on thoughts, emotions and feelings of people around me, especially those closest to me physically....this goes for Kevin too....something is off with him....I can feel it, but I cannot put my foot on it....he is tense and shut off around me emotionally...and this burns into my emotions and I cannot even bare it....I feel like he is "just going through the motions of taking care of me" I know he loves me, no doubt, but it is a different love, his love has changed...I feel that, I feel it in my heart and soul...and it is affecting my own love for him...his dismissive or defensive words to me when I point something out to him that is about him, I feel it, and my knee jerk action is to say "fuck it, kill yourself with smoking and eating shit" I don't care, its your life...and I try so hard to keep that in my head, but it hurts me more than words could ever know....I am trying so goddamn fucking hard to help him live a long life, and it is like he is trying to shorten his life...a type of "non-intentional suicide" and this is weighing on me, I cannot let it go....my intuition is too strong, I cannot ignore it. I feel his anger towards me almost every day....but he does not ever "talk" really talk to me, its always superficial, a quiet dance, to appease me....And because of this, I can't help myself but to emotionally pull away, it is how I protect myself....this is what empaths do, we have to pull away to survive.
We feel so deeply, we interpret so much, we read between the lines, we pick up on body language, we hear sighs and denial, we feel deep pain and deep love---UNNATURALLY so....its a fucking curse...
Empaths live such better lives when we are surrounded by nature and animals...animals are attracted to us, we feel the life and heart of trees just by touching the branch or trunk...animals are not afraid of us, in fact, they want to be around us....that is why true empaths spend more time in nature than around people....I do this, have always done this, even as a child, not knowing I was an empath...
I can be so emotional, and its not just being a "woman", it is deeper than that...and I FUCKING HATE IT.
S.
oh, and now this....
So, months ago, Kevin was billed for weekend hours he got paid for. Working weekends you get bigger paychecks because no one wants to work weekends...the government sent Kevin a bill to repay his weekend overtime he has been getting ever since he got in his new position....he was very upset about this, of course, and spent much time fighting this....we talked about this extensively and I was very upset, right along with him. Then 3 WEEKS AGO, he got a letter saying that debt had been forgiven. He was happy.
But did he call and tell me? Did he share this wonderful news to me? NO HE DID NOT. In fact I only found out about it today, when I asked him if he had heard anything...then he said "yes, they forgave the loan, I found out the day before my holiday vacation (3 wks ago)...was he ever going to tell me? He said "he forgot".....he forgot our conversations? He forgot how upset he was in front of me, our many conversations about this?.....this is how it is with him....he keeps a lot of his personal life to himself...
OK, I get it. I am not his wife. HE HAS MADE THAT PERFECTLY CLEAR. His business is his business and my business is his business...so, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. my personal life, with my personal family or financial matters will be mine alone....he doesn't feel the need to include me on his shit, why the fuck should I include him on mine.....I am so upset right now, again, there is something wrong with our relationship...
I do not for one minute believe he kept this good news from me intentionally...I do believe he forgot to tell me...but, having said that...it really shows just how much I mean to him that he could so easily forget to tell me something so great about the outcome of something that was so outrageous for the government to do to him. I guess his love for me only goes so far...he can't seem to see beyond his own nose sometimes....he keeps other things from me too, unless I casually ask a question, like "how is David doing" or something like that, then he will tell me stuff he has known about but not told me...I tell him every time I have something with my family...news...whatever, yet he does not seem to think I should know about his family....good, bad, or indifferent.
This is how I feel...right now I am pissed as hell, I am feeling rejection through the roof, I am feeling marginalized and most of all, I am feeling left out of his life...we are suppose to be a partnership, equal...but we are not....we are actually not partners at all..its just lip service.
