Two sided coin

 Yesterday when I was finished walking the dogs at St Francis Service Dog org, I had a talk with one of the staff about my dad and his dementia...She mentioned a show, documentary, on Amazon Prime called "Alive Inside"....

So I texted Taryn the info, as she is doing palliative care with my dad...she is the one that gave him large lego blocks to mess with, and he really enjoyed that...As we were talking about ways to keep my dads brain engaged, I started feeling really strange.

I am now questioning myself and my refusal to go back to Oklahoma and help take care of my dad...he is my step dad, but he has been my step dad since 1973....I love him so much, and he was a good "step dad" despite the lies and shit from my mother and his defending her of the horrendous abuse she allowed in my childhood...he has supported me, but more important, he has supported his grand kids.  He was there for my son when my son was arrested, he footed the bill, and attended every court hearing (my son adamantly refused to allow us to attend) but welcomed his Papa.  My dad stepped into his role as parent and grandparent with gusto and love.....he tried to make up for the lack of love my mother gave.  In return, I took care of him and my mother for years and years, making trips to their home in Strawn, TX to help them with whatever they needed...I took care of his mother (my step grandmother) for a week while my parents took a trip....I was ALWAYS the one to step up-because I was there...and it was expected of me as the oldest daughter, and my two siblings lived far away.

Now I live far away, yet I feel so guilty for living "far away"...and my daughter is stepping up into my previous role....is this right?  Am I a fucking loser for leaving and my daughter having to step up?  She has stepped up because my two siblings will not.   Which my brother lives in the same neighborhood, but uses every excuse in the book to NOT take care of his dad (the only dad he has ever known) and be refuses to step up and be a man.   

I tried to sleep last night, but my mind would not let me, even with the Xanax it was after 11:00 pm before I was able to drift off....all I could think about was my dad and my daughter.   Is my daughter resentful that I am gone?  I mean she has a gym, clients, son and so busy, and she has taking on being with my dad every day (she is getting paid for it) but it is another layer of burden for her.   I feel guilty for that.   I feel guilty for leaving-not for leaving John (even if I went back, I would not go back to John) I would be going back to be with and take care of my dad....Is that my responsibility???

What would that do to my relationship with Kevin?   I do not want to be away from him, he is my rock and my advocate and he protects me...I would be defenseless if I went back to OKC...Am I strong enough to stand my ground against my MAGA family?   Or would I be crucified by my family....and then there is my mother....she is still alive, and I do not want to see her, but I would be so pressured to engage with her---even with her dementia and lack of speaking skills, she would be a threat to my emotional wellbeing as well as my system.   Could I handle that?  Could we handle that?

I am so fucking conflicted right now....my love for my dad is overshadowing my fear of OKC...

I fucking hate that I have such a divided  messed up family...My dream of having a great marriage, good husband and father, healthy kids, thriving life without abuse, was just that...A DREAM

The reality is I just went from one form of abuse to another form....and it took me years to get out of that abuse, only for my mom and dad to get sick and make me feel like I have to go back....I would have to walk back into "christian abuse", criticism and being taken advantage of, disrespected and treated like a servant.   

All of the therapy, all the work I have done to get a handle on my mental disorder, to accept it and form a life around it, would be destroyed....The ultimate self-harm.

I do not want to willingly harm myself ever again....but going back to OK is "willingly harming myself"....fuck

It is just not as easy as driving back...I have three animals,  I live 1000 miles away, I do not fly, the drive is too fucking long but most importantly I do not have the money for an extended hotel stay in OKC.  I would never go back into Johns home, even with my dad living there,  I would never do that...

In fact, I could not stay with any of my kids....maybe Gary, but I fucking cannot stand his X wife, and I would be drawn into that drama, plus he has three kids, and I just don't have the patience for children, I really do not even like little kids, hahaha.  Plus, I refuse to be a babysitter.  I would not even get paid...they would take advantage of me, like always.

So I am just rambling, trying to get my thoughts out, then process what is going on in my head...

For now:  I AM DAMNED IF I DO AND DAMNED IF I DON'T...

S