soothing rain..

 Last night, as I was getting ready for bed, I heard the rain outside my window...it was feint, like sprinkling through the trees.  So, I raised the window up, turned off all the lights and sat on the bathroom floor listening to the rain through the open window.

It was raining harder than I thought, and the sounds were so comforting.  So I sat on the floor and let the sounds of rain pour over me.

Rain, is soothing, like washing away of the ugliness of life...

When I was a small child,  I loved when it rained.  Because that meant that the fucking abuser would not be coming home that night from work.   Evidently, something about rain, kept him away...I don't know why, but I loved when it rained.

Last night sitting on the floor listening to the rain, I felt so safe and secure.  I felt a sense of relief rush over me.  Tonight, I will be safe.

How weird after all these years I still feel safest when it rains.   I am safe now, no one is going to come into my bedroom while I am in bed and hurt me....it is a knee jerk reaction to have these emotions and reactions come over me.

I am pretty sure that is why I have 8 hours of rain downloaded on my phone...I go to bed every night listening and letting the safety of that sound of rain loll me into sleep.   I realize that lots of people enjoy rain and sleep better when the ambient sound is rain drops....but for me, it is more.

Rain signals safety, for me.  I can only sleep if Ally feels safe.  Ally is my little girl, the one that protected my mind during those abusive child years....Ally basically controls my emotions...if she feels safe and happy, then I feel safe and happy.....its so weird to have an alternate personality that has so much power but is only a child of about 6 yrs old.

On another note, the service dog organization I volunteer at has named me "Volunteer of the Month" for December.   While this is a nice recognition of my efforts at the organization,  I do not do volunteer work for recognition...I do it for myself and my love of dogs.  

I do not like being recognized for anything that I do....I like to stay in the shadows.  I do not like to be recorded or pictures taken of me...I feel that is invading my privacy and leaving me exposed...Its always been like that, as a child, I was quiet and shy and reserved, I tried to be invisible.  Being invisible means "no one can see me, therefore, no one can hurt me"...that is a mentality I still carry to this day.

There will be a picture of me and short paragraph about me on their Website monthly page...this makes me nervous.   When I do something for someone, or an organization, I do it from the heart and am not looking for a pat on the back....When I was in Oklahoma, I regularly used Johns money to help others and almost always without Johns knowledge...when I would anonymously pay someones utility bill for them or whatever,  that is where I felt blessed, I could hide my secret smile that "I did that" and let their gratitude build me up...even when they would say "God blessed us" or "our prayers have been answered"  I would secretly know that I was that fucking GOD!  hahahahaha , okay I am being silly, I am no God.   I was just in a position to help...no thank you needed, no recognition needed, only the satisfaction of helping someone else...PERIOD

So being recognized for my efforts at the St Francis Service Dog org,  is nice, it is not needed or even wanted....I feel like it is a double edged sword.  Anyhoo....

It is raining still outside...I sat on my balcony with my coffee at 5 am, and let the soothing rain, cleanse my restless soul...Bring on the rain.

S

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I believe I need to clarify what she is saying.  Yes, she did lots of positive things for the dog park, and for the Homeless Alliance, but most of her accomplishments were because of me.  I am a better critical thinker.  She is more "shoot from the hip" and I am more "lets think about this and figure it out before applying your method".   She received many accolades for her dog park and homeless volunteerism, was interviewed on television news programs and her face was everywhere.  She could go no where without being recognized by someone.   She has always felt uneasy as a "public" person, so I stepped up and did the heavy lifting for her.   Somewhere inside her, she always knew "her accomplishments were not her own"...and it is my belief that is why she is insecure and so private..

She now knows that she is not alone, but there are many of us that live in her brain space.  Having this knowledge has caused her insecurities to elevate,  is it "me" or is it "someone else".  This is a real challenge for her to navigate.  It is also a real challenge for all of us to navigate.  When do we step in and help?  Whereas before, we came and went and did what we felt was best for her and she was none the wiser.  Now, she knows and fights against us...so we are attempting to recede back and let her try and become as whole of a person as possible.

It is my belief, her being recognized as "volunteer of the month", will only result in her  questioning herself more.  "Is it me, Sparrow, or is it 7 or someone else that is actually being recognized", this is where her insecurity lies, she really has no ideal "who" she is.

Tessa