pure and simple

 It is so fucking weird how depression works.   Even the littlest of things can set it off, I mean like a tsunami...then all of the sudden you are overthinking, thinking negatively about yourself, feeling sorry for yourself, or feeling that old familiar "not worthy" mantra....

For example:

I recently friended one of my sons on facebook.  Most of my family is blocked.  This morning I decided to go on his page and look at his pictures.   There were so many pictures of Gagey, and looking through those, brought back the memory of losing my grandson and how fucking devastating that was, not only because he died of cancer...but at the way I was treated.  I was there, in the hospital room, I was there, actually in the same room as alot of the pictures were taken....but I was not in any of them.  

It is like I fucking ignored my grandson and his illness and subsequent death, lack of pictures of me tells everyone I was not there and I didn't care...WHY?  I think it is because I had left my son's father and moved away...I left to protect myself....

Then, I see photos of his Trump/Pense convention attendance.   He is MAGA....I was not sure how he felt, but now I am sure, and this saddens me too.....

In all of his pictures I am only in one....and it was from the time I left and he drove me to Virginia.  He has more pictures of my brother (his bio dad) and more pictures of his adopted dad, than me....

This makes me feel so fucking awful....I have been his mother since he was 7 yrs old, yet I don't warrant any pictures on his page....I don't exist.  I have never really "existed" to the point where I have been recognized for my being a huge part of his life...It is like I am only an "after thought"....

Again,  this is why I had to leave OKlahoma....I did not matter, I did not exist, I was not a mom/wife/person...I was only a means to an end.

Talk about cold water in my face.....he calls me and tells me he loves me, we both share a love of music and a lack of religious beliefs, we have more in common than I have with my other two biological children....I thought I meant more to him....I was wrong. 

So my depression is back on with a vengeance because of my family.....when I start to think maybe they really do love me, I am slapped in the face....this is now abuse by neglect...neglecting to acknowledge me, my past, my pain, my mental state or even acknowledge me at all....

fuck me sacrificing everything for them....raising them as a stay at home mom...nursing them when they were sick,  being their taxi service,  giving them money "under the table" so their dad doesn't find out, letting them have their own "way of life"...being involved in their school, their sports,  it is as if NONE OF THAT EVER HAPPENED...

Then everyone wonders why I left.....I was totally alone, even in a crowded room of family...I was over looked and undervalued.  Pure and simple....

S