pawn

 So I woke up this morning to find that I had not completely shut the drawer of my freezer on my refrigerator last night...so everything in my freezer thawed....now I have to throw everything out!

Like I can fucking afford to replace all the goddamn food that is now spoiled.....I am so fucking angry with myself for not making sure I completely closed that door....

Just another reason I am so fucked...I flat cannot live by myself anymore...every night my blood sugar levels fall into the danger zone....I am having a harder and harder time keeping my blood sugar levels in a normal range....my head pain is getting worse, that is why I am getting forgetful, especially with my fucking freezer...the pain, makes it hard to concentrate on a damn thing....

My apartment is becoming more and more crapped out...my neighbor is a horrible person that does everything she can to get under mine and Kevins skin....the landlord is a fucking dumbass...he does not care for the upkeep and all that with his property...it is becoming a section 8 complex....

So I have been looking for a small rental house, so I don't have to share walls and space with fucking intitled little fuck wads....

It is becoming clearer and clearer that I am no longer able to live alone...my health, physically and mentally, is going downhill.....I need a roommate....I cannot afford to rent a house on my own, it is financially impossible to do that, so...

Kevin and I are looking for a three bedroom place...so he can have his own room, bedroom, and we can be roommates...but...

I looked at my separation agreement, and if I cohabitate with anyone, I loose my spousal support...I will be kicked out into the street....John made that stipulation because he believes he is still my lawful husband and can make all the rules for me to live by....we are legally separated, by law we can live our own lives....but yet, John has made it so I cannot live my own life.

I might as well go crawling back to that hellhole of Oklahoma....because I am nothing....just a pawn, a  lowly little insignificant pawn in Johns world....

I FUCKING HATE BEING DEPENDENT ON JOHN FOR MY MONEY AND HEALTH INSURANCE...HE IS JERKING ME AROUND ABOUT THAT TOO....

so today, I have to throw out all my freezer food....trash....just like me.

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