Old dog, new tricks

 So on You Tube,  I have started watching more and more self-help videos.   You can teach an old dog new tricks IF that old dog wants to learn them. Case in point, my dog is 11 yrs old.  He has his ways, but as he has gotten older he has learned to use a ramp to get into my jeep as opposed to just jumping in, it took some training and encouragement but he soon learned how....

I have been trying to apply that to my own life.   I watch videos ranging from "medication options" to "nutritional options", to "holistic medicine" to "mental therapy guides for different mental conditions" to "relationship guides", etc.....even "political divides", I want to learn what is where and why and how....

So much of what I glean from these videos I want to share with my partner, to better equip him on his health or other things,  and for our communication levels....But,  so many of things and insights I am learning, my partner rejects, or disregards especially if it is something I want for both of us.

Much of what I discover I share with him, he listens and often times agrees with, especially when it is about me and my "health"....but when I turn the tables on him, he is more resistant.  My partner is that old dog that "has done things the same way, thought things the same way, behaved the same way his entire life and very much resists change,  especially when it comes to his behavior or addictions...ie, smoking, eating crap food, hygiene and the status quo.   He does not like change....

Yesterday, I watched a "relationship video" which was mostly centered around women, but could be  viewed to a male prospective too....I wanted to talk about it.   I immediately told him that I am aware of aspects of my life that I needed to change, or do more of, ie...mental health therapy,  my obsession with cleanliness and putting your best foot forward in public.   I owned up to my short comings and I expressed a desire to change....but, it is a two-way street.   For me to even want to change and make myself a better person, my partner needs to have the same goals too, I think.   When I tried to express to him how "I like him", or "how doing this or that, will make his life better and mine as a couple, I felt he immediately went on the defensive.   I truly believe that in his own mind, he thinks he is right and I am just "being" stupid.....

Me asking him to shave at least twice a week he takes as an astronomical chore he just flat can't do...He says that I never had an issue with his furry face and untamed beard, in the beginning, and that I loved his soft facial hair....but the fact is...the very first picture I have of us together, he is clean shaven...no unkempt fur face, nice and shaved and sculpted.....it has been over the past 5 years that he has started balking at me wanting him to shave and have a smooth face.....a groomed beard.   I shave my legs so when he touches my legs they are soft and smooth.....when I touch his face or he kisses me, I want to touch a soft smooth face too....but he doesn't get that.   I have never asked him to cut his hair or shave his beard off....I love his hair and beard, but I do not love a wolfman....

He told me it would take years for him to get in the habit of shaving and making the time to shave for me....but just how many years will that take?   How many years do we even have left at this age?  This is a battle we have been having for 5 years!  Come on, old dog....learn a new trick!

For me,  cleanliness and order when it comes to my body is nothing but "self respect"....he does not seem to have any self respect....so when I mentioned that particular subject, our whole evening of communication was shattered.  I was effectively shut down.....I never got to talk about anything else I had learned from the "relationship video" because he shut me down....so the rest of the night I went through the motions of "being okay".    He wants me to "hear" him, but when I want him to "hear" me, he puts in the ear plugs, or explains away why he doesn't agree or goes into long tangents about how much he has changed, because of me....this made me feel like I am nothing more than a "controlling bitch"...wanting our relationship to be more deep and meaningful....I crave a relationship that is "safe" in every possible way.  I have literally uprooted and changed my FUCKING ENTIRE LIFE, FOR HIM.

A long time ago, I asked Kevin on his days off, to not Dallas Cowboy up in all his garb, which was his habit,  not because I am against the cowboys, but because we could go nowhere in public without lengthy conversations with other cowboy fans or people who are anti-cowboy.   I NEVER asked him to stop wearing his dallas cowboy garb permanently.    But he has stopped, aside from a DC ball cap, he has stopped.   And this is the first christmas he has not put up a tree with all the DC decorations.   He has spent thousands and thousands of dollars on "all things Cowboys" and now,  because of me, he has basically put all that away.   And now, when I mention his "not being so dallas", he says "he has lost interest in them".....THAT IS MY FAULT.   IT WAS MY WORDS THAT PERSUADED HIM TO PUT THE COWBOYS DOWN....and that was never my intention.

Am I really that selfish?  Am I being selfish in trying to communicate my likes and dislikes with him?  Am I wrong questioning him?  Am I wrong just opening up my mouth and trying to be a better partner?   I rarely want to talk, really talk anymore, because when I do want to talk about our relationship, I can physically see the walls going up behind his eyes.....and even when he does "listen",  he really doesn't listen,  he reverts back to his own ways and ways of thinking...in all departments of our life together.  He is right and I am wrong in believing that our relationship can even be better....

I guess, in my stupid head,  I envision us being perfect for each other, each of us doing things that please and honor the other.....we are a reflection of each other...or at least we should be....I cannot truly communicate my ideals, wants, needs, wishes, aspirations or anything else to him, when I can literally see him becoming defensive before he even opens his mouth to plead his case....I am an empath, and I am hyper alert to emotions, auras and the like, I am adept at reading between the lines...it is a fucking curse.  

Men are from mars and women are from venus, I guess.   Maybe being gay is the way to go, then its two men on the same planet, or two women on the same planet,  and everyone is on the same page.  

I know one thing for sure....I will still be watching videos for self help...I still want to grow and mature and learn new ideals, concepts and the like.   There is room in my head for growth.  Maybe that is the womans brain...because once a man is at a certain age, growth stops and you literally cannot teach that old dog man new tricks.

Sigh

S

PS.  Kevin watches tons of You tube videos too.....he watches videos on flat earthers, atheism, wood working, space rockets,  and shit like that....all that to educate him self....but, the difference in what we watch is this "I watch videos to enhance my relationship issues, mental issues, health issues, all geared to being a better person to my significant other....the videos he watches do nothing to enhance our relationship as a partner.....so,  obviously, we have different opinions, likes and dislikes...but whereas I see the videos I watch as "helping us both",  his videos only help himself, and I am left out...he tells me shit, but it is material shit that has absolutely nothing to do with furthering and engaging in a better partnership dynamic....so there's that....again, Men are from Mars...