Christmas Eve

 So today is Christmas Eve.   It will be a lonely day for me, nothing special, no one to spend it with, which is really fine with me.   I don't have to cook, wrap presents or listen to kids running around screaming and yelling and all that.  I will not have to clean up after a mass family gathering.  

Always in the past, I had to do everything.  Wrap gifts, shop, cook, clean, and "act" like I am so happy that all this family is around.  In fact, I always dreaded the holidays because if I had ever felt like a "slave" in my marriage, I was more "slave like" during the holidays.   Nobody would help me clean up, cook or anything, that always fell to me....some women like that, it makes them feel "needed and wanted and important", but not me, I always felt that I was being "taken advantage of"....

Because of my financial restrictions this year, I am unable to send gifts or money to the grandkids.  I told John this.   Its really his fault I have no money.   He gets regular cost of living raises, makes a ton of money, but only gives me the bare minimum in spousal support.   So if the kids get upset that I have not sent the grandkids anything, they need to look to their father for tying my hands making me look like the "bad parent and grandparent".

I have still not heard from my son about my grandsons, Easton, gifted school program promotion.  I heard about that from John.   It really hurts my heart that NONE of my kids keep me up to date on their kids...I am in the dark, all the fucking time.

My New Years resolution this coming year is to "let my kids go"....I will not be contacting them at all, not even with a quick text "I love you"....I am finished being the one to make the first move...its their turn to step up and remember that they do, in fact, have a mother who is alive and well...

I am tired of being the one to "apologize", to "reach out" whatever...it is time for them to get their heads out of their asses and reach out to me.....I really think the only reason they have effectively cut me off is because I no longer control the "money strings" off a united marriage.  They can't get any more money from me...I am as broke as they are...so I am worthless in their eyes...I really feel firm about this...

2025, will be new me.   I am finally going to make an effort to "let them go"...I have been fighting the fact that family is family and I should do whatever I can to keep the lines of communication open, but I am tired of that fight and I fucking surrender.   

Here is my "white flag"...I surrender,  I am done with family....I am turning the page and putting them behind me...its probably about time I did that anyway...I look like a fucking fool always reaching out, trying to explain to my kids "why I left", "what is going on with me", my "childhood experiences" etc...they just fucking do not care about me...they really don't.   So fuck it, I don't care about them either.

Oklahoma, John, family etc...that is all in the past...my past life...I learned from the mistakes made in that long chapter, and this coming year, I am applying those lessons learned.  Never again will I allow myself to be jerked around, used and emotionally abused by my family....

I know that eventually I will die alone, with no family around me, and well as horrible as that sounds, that is my reality...I literally made my bed when I left my abusive marriage, so now I have to lie in it.

I remember my mom telling me the first time I left John when my daughter was just a baby, to go back home. That "I made my bed, and now I have to lie in it"....she did not give a rats ass to the way John was towards me...she did not give a rats ass about my emotional well being---like did I really expect her too anyway?  NOOOOO

So I made my bed of loneliness, now I will lie in loneliness and be okay with that.   

There was only one "Christmasy" thing I wanted to do while David was here visiting his dad...I wanted to go downtown and get a "family" picture in front of the town square christmas tree while it was lit up at night...I thought that would be a pretty nice picture for Kevin to have, and me too...I told Kevin I would like to do that, but today, Kevin is taking David back to his mothers...so NO PICTURES WILL BE TAKEN.   My request, my one request that I thought we could do as a "family" was ignored and forgotten.   I guess that is for the best...Kevin and I are not married, David is his family, not mine, it really wouldn't have been any type of a "family picture" anyway...

I am not family.   

S