Lincoln Logs

 So last night was another banner night of restless sleep...

I broke out in hives again, and that kept me up for about an hour, slathering on anti-itch cream over the hives and willing myself not to scratch the hives while waiting for the cream to work...sigh

I had a weird ass fuck dream about "Lincoln logs"  you remember those toys where you could build houses and forts and such...these logs (toys) scare me...in my dream, I saw them laying out and I was so scared and I woke up with the hives....

Why would a harmless old school toy like Lincoln Logs freak me out so much, so much so that I broke out in hives?????

Then this morning I went online to do some financial stuff and I got so confused and upset because I am just too fucking stupid to figure out passwords, and to understand financial talk...and I have to, once again, rely on my other "husband" to do all this shit with me...

He tried to tell me that I am of the generation of "old school" bill paying, "write a check, get a receipt and its done", which is just not the case anymore...

So I am too stupid to try and adapt to an ever changing world of online money...even though he is the same fucking age as me, and yet he is smart and intelligent enough to not have problems with internet financial stuff...His very actions and knowledge and intelligence is enough to make me feel even more stupid.

Seriously, the only thing I can do is "house wife shit", clean, do laundry, make lunches,  mundane brainless activities that only dumb stupid people are adept at.   

With every birthday I have, I fall deeper into the "stupid as fuck" category"....even when I try to learn computer shit, my brain just seizes up and I get so fucking upset with myself....realizing I am a fucking dumb shit and getting dumber makes me hate myself and everyone else....

Even my dog is smarter than me....

I remember a time when I was smart...in school I made great grades,  in college, I also did very well, only flunking one class "Aerobics"  because I can't stand running....I was certified to teach American Sign Language, I was certified as a counselor and worked with the courts and juvenile first time offenders, even teaching probation classes at the Barry House in Oklahoma city...the juvenile detention center or jail....I was smart, articulate and knowledgeable....

Fast forward to now,  I no longer can remember so much of ASL,  I am so fucked up and stupid I cannot do counseling anymore, I can't even get a fucking job, because of my head tumors and fucking PTSD and DID....How did I manage to be a productive member of society way back when?  I had DID then too, I had weird PTSD moments, then too....but now, as my memories have started coming back and the knowledge of now, proven, facts about my life...the PTSD is so much fucking worse...

For example:  we were driving on the highway,  Kevin was driving (thank the gods for that) and we were driving under the pathway of the airport...at the exact moment of passing the airport a plane was taking off and it flew right above our car,  it was very loud, and that noise, the roar of the engines caused me to have an acute PTSD attack...as Kevin put it, I just blacked out, totally left reality and shut down...What if I had been driving at that moment?????????

All I remember is the loud sound of a plane engine, then sheer panic, then nothing.......I left my body...and an alter, I assume took over, getting me through the panic attack and memory....As a small child I witnessed a fighter jet crashing to the ground just behind my house...the roar of the engine than the ground shaking, then the fire....(this is all been corroborated by internet search of my memory)  I am waiting for the dreams of airplanes crashing to the ground to start back up again....

Again,  because of these acute panic attacks that slap me out of fucking nowhere, attributes to my decline into stupidity, because of fear and knowledge....

The computer is just another example of my fear of knowledge....fear of the unknown in the cyberspace,  its like a plane waiting to crash right on top of me...the more I learn about the internet, the more I read about hackers and data breaches,  The more fearful I get, and as far as I am concerned, cyberspace is nothing but a plane getting ready to crash down on all of us, but if I stay stupid, maybe it won't freak me out as much...

As much as Kevin tries to teach me internet savvy and help me learn tools to navigate this new reality, I still cannot wrap my head around all the data and knowledge...now AI is out there and that also freaks me the fuck out....I feel so goddamn fucking stupid for even trying to learn....I know it frustrates the hell out of Kevin...I know somewhere in his brain he thinks "what the fuck?  Why can't you get this through that thick skull of yours?  Its not that hard?  God you are so fucking stupid, a goddamn moron....I was a teacher, I know how to teach things to unlearned people and students, so why the fuck can't you learn???????""why must I have to keep repeating myself?" blah blah blah

I can't learn, because I am just too ignorant, and my head will simply not comprehend shit...I live in a constant state of being disoriented and confused...I live in a constant state of fear...I cannot remember things I am trying to learn...I am just plain stupid.

Fuck, Trump probably is the man, and I am just too stupid to realize it....

S