Johnny fence rider...

 Finally did something right!  I was so bummed that I got Kevin the football tickets, because at the time I purchased them, Dallas was not in fucking last place.

Going into the Cowboy/Commander game, Dallas was/is in last place....losers...

BUT,  the Cowboys took over in the 4th quarter and beat the Commanders.  I was so happy, as Kevin got to watch live and in person Dallas beating Washington!  I even got the tickets where his seat was on the Dallas Cowboy side of the stadium...that was pure luck.

So my Xmas present football ticket was a success!

It is nice to do something nice and have something work out for the good or positive, once in awhile.

I don't know what it is with me,  I am constantly fucking up my phone, my computer, my TV, anything electronic I destroy, and I don't mean too....I know that Kevin must get so fucking tired of having to fix all my "computer/electronic" issues...he must think I fuck them up just to give him something to do...I swear I don't...

I have never been able to really do anything productive my entire life, except having kids...my marriage was a sham, every job I have had, I have had to quit because I am just too ME.   I am a runner,  I have had my fill of fighting and losing all the fucking time, so now I just run.  I run from my problems, I run from accountability, I run from society, I run from religion, I run from chaos,  I am a runner.

Runner or coward?  I just don't know.   Maybe both....My instinct is to run and hide from drama...and hope that it just goes away.....I am tired of fighting.  I have tried to fight my whole life but after consistently being beaten into the ground, I just left...I ran away.  COWARD? or just tired of being hurt....don't know.

I have been in VA 6 years, and in that time literally only about 4 or 5 people, other than Kevin, have been in my apartment.   I am very reclusive and view my apartment as my "safety"...I am very selective at who I allow into my home....My home is not child proof....so I don't want any little kids in here.  My home is not Christian, I have an altar and many Wiccan and Pagan items all around...my home would be offensive or even scary to ignorant christians....so I don't have company....I just keep to myself and idle away my time each day.

Being alone is not just a bummer on a social level, but it is also a wonderful peace.   I never have to worry about people walking in, or banging on my door...I don't have solicitors at all.   I don't have random family members and their friends traipsing around my space, eating my food or drinking my alcohol.   I can smoke a blunt anytime I want and not have to worry about offending anyone.   It is so refreshing to have my very own secluded "safe" place for me and Boomer to live.  And with Kevin living so close to me now,  I feel more safety.

I am trying so hard to climb out of this fucking depression....it hits me at the oddest times...my life has been rapidly changing this past year....changing from a romantic lifestyle I fantasied about to a routine schedule, based on convenience of time and health.   This past presidential election has further separated me from friends and family....I had to unfriend and unfollow so many Trumpsters friends, because for the life of me, I cannot understand anybody compromising their values for a perceived economy benefits....that is not Christian, that is rolling over and licking the ground, bowing the knee, whatever, and I really thought those friends who voted for Trump were better people...I was wrong. 

I have one friend, in particular, who I valued so much, because of her and mines similar mental issues,  I thought so much of her,  I felt she was so brave, so beautiful, so real...then the election, and she became MAGA...I was shocked to the core....I unfriended her, and she has been sending me instant messages and I just cannot respond...I am so sick in my heart because of her denial of womens rights, her helping to elect a rapist and convicted felon...HOW CAN PEOPLE DO THAT???  I don't understand how anyone can ignore those crimes and vote for this criminal to be President of the United States???  I cannot be around hypocrites...I just can't.   It sickens me. 

So, I have lost a lot of connections because of politics...lost family because of politics...and religion.

I know this seems I am isolating myself, and I have no one to blame but myself..but here's the deal.  I am not a hypocrite, and I will not associate with hypocrites, because by associating with them, I am, supporting their vote, supporting their lack of morals, supporting their ignorance, and I just cannot lower myself to do that.   I can only be acquaintance friends, but I cannot become real friends..

I AM NOT JOHNNY FENCE RIDER....

S