FUCK THANKSGIVING

 I do not even know where to start today on this blog.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving day....I kinda expected the "Happy Thanksgiving" text from my kids,  it is socially acceptable and a "thoughts and prayers" kinda text.  

But instead, my daughter decided to call me and put me on Skype so I could see and talk to the grandkids and my kids.....

And I did get to tell my grandkids hello and see how much they have grown up,  that part was nice...

But then, she put the phone in my MOTHERS face and told me to say hello to her......

THE FUCK??????  Even after I bared my soul to her about my past abuse and my mothers abuse, I also told her that I had to leave because of my mother, mainly, and the fact that I can't be safe in Oklahoma.  She knows this, but she forced me to look into my "abusers" face and make nice.....And she not only did that once but many times, panning the phone so I would see my mother over and over.....

That was emotional and psychological abuse.....

Then this morning I had a text from John telling me "don't be upset if your mother did not know who you were, she had to ask who everyone was"....I AM FUCKING UPSET SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHO I WAS....I WISH SHE HAD....THEN SHE COULD HAVE SEEN THE HATRED IN MY EYES TOWARDS HER....AND SHE WOULD KNOW WHY.......am I suppose to forgive her?  and I suppose to forget about her and her actions now that she has Dementia....does dementia give her a pass and I am suppose to be okay with that?

She doesn't remember, so therefore you should just forget too......Oh my fucking god.  John even knows more than Taryn, the relationship I have with my mother....HE FUCKING KNOWS, and yet he says to not be "upset my mom didn't know me...."

THEN WHY THE FUCK DID I LEAVE?????? JOHN KNOWS EXACTLY WHY I LEFT, YET HE STILL MENTALLY ABUSES ME, BY HIS FUCKING "FORGIVE" CHRISTIAN ATTITUDE.

He did not have my childhood, he was not horribly abused in every fucking way,  neither were my kids, so it is so fucking easy for them to not understand, and even to try to understand...they don't get it, and they don't want to get it.....fuck

I feel like I am a "punching bag" for them....its like, now, my mom and dad are oblivious to how they treated me,  they are taking up the slack....ARE THEY REALLY THAT IGNORANT AND SELFISH?  

I am so upset right now, my hands are shaking....all I see is my mothers face, staring at me, not smiling, just a blank dismissive stare......this is exactly how she looked at me when I was being abused by that fuck, Ronald...blank and dismissive....and it horrified me and crushed me.....IT TRIGGERED ME, I FELT IMMEDIATELY THAT HORRIBLE SENSE OF NOT BEING IN A SAFE PLACE, VULNERABLE TO MORE ABUSE AND NOT ABLE TO STOP IT....

BUT TARYN DOESN'T CARE, JOHN DOESN'T CARE.....I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND RAGE...THEY KNOW WHAT WAS DONE TO HER...THEY FUCKING KNOW AND STILL THEY DO WHAT THEY DO, SAY WHAT THEY SAY...IT REAFIRMS THAT SHE DOES NOT FUCKING  MATTER AT ALL.....I WANT TO PUNCH ALL OF THEM IN THE FACE.

Kevin knows my childhood, my past, he knows everything and he understands why I am the way I am and he does not ever trigger me...he helps me....he is the only one who truly loves me...one person in this entire world..one person has my back....NOT MY FAMILY,  A NON FAMILY MEMBER...IS THAT SAD OR WHAT????

Then taryn goes on to say, "I wish you were here"...really, there in the same house with my fuck mother???????  she doesn't wish I was there because she truly loves me and wants me there, she wishes I was there, so I could take over taking care of my parents....she is doing that now...again, they only want me there to relieve them of having to take care of aging grandparents...John wants me there because he does not want to clean up after my dad when he pisses on the floor...he wants me there to be the nurse maid, so he can go and do his thing....no love, just servanthood....

I am nothing to my family, but a means to an end.....story of my life...

S

sophee