Facade of happiness

 Yesterday we finally got a good rain, it rained all day long.  We needed it as we have been in such a drought.  So even though it was a cold wet rain, it was much needed.

Last night was a shitfest of sleep....damn blood sugar levels dropped off and on all night.  I would get really hot and sweaty then kick the covers off, only to become cold and have to put them back on.

this was my back and forth fight all fucking night long.

These are not hot flashes due to menopause as I take hormone replacement therapy, but this happens when my blood sugar count goes to 55 and below...

I have been doing some research as to why I cannot keep my sugar levels in the normal range.

1>  Major stomach surgeries, I have had 5 major abdominal surgeries...

2.  stress and not eating,  I am continually nauseous and eating is hard, and my stress is through the roof

3.   diabetes...I have reactionary hypoglycemia, not diabetic.  Reactionary hypoglycemia means that ALL food, no matter the diet, causes my sugar levels to rise way over 200, then rapidly plummet to below 55...this is not normal...

4.  Insulinoma...a tumor inside my pancreas...this is the one that freaks me out the most.

To test for that particular tumor...you have to be admitted into the hospital for a couple of days..you have to fast for those two days, so they can measure the insulin levels...then there are MRIs, CAT scans, ultrasounds...it is very difficult to detect a tumor inside the pancreas.  If they do after all those tests, think there is one, then its surgery to cut inside the pancreas and remove the tumor.  Insulinomas are benign tumors, meaning they stay in the pancreas and not spread to other parts of the body, but they grow and fuck your pancreas up.   This makes keeping my oxygen levels at a healthy pace in my blood stream almost fucking impossible.   

It is so hard to try and deal with this hypoglycemia...exercise, burning calories are not good for me...as I lose sugar balance and then my insulin crashes....

This happened yesterday while walking dogs at St Francis.  I ate breakfast before I left, my blood sugar meter said I was 140, when I got to the center.   After walking my last dog, my meter started sounding the loud alarm (to tell me I am below 55)...I knew my sugar was crashing before the alarm as I started get really shaky....I could barely get the dog back in the kennel, before I started getting sweaty and confused....a staff lady was present...she helped me to my car so I could get my insulin gel to swallow.  I was so fucking embarrassed....when my sugar levels drop too low, I can't speak straight, I get really confused and very emotional...this fucking embarrasses the hell out of me....

Now, the staff member knows I am a fucking health risk...what if it had dropped when I was way out in the field with the dog?  I could pass out, then the dog could run off....or someone may see me and hear me and think I am on drugs or drunk....

This is why I cannot work...my body is so fucked up...not only my head is fucked up with DID, but my body is fucked up too....everything about me is flat fucked up.

I am thinking of quitting walking dogs....I cannot risk another "episode" and the prospect of possibly feinting at the center...they will see first hand, that the dogs are not safe with me....

Just another fucking reason my depression is deepening.   I have been trying to stay busy, keep my mind active...I baked brownies for Kevin, I prepared a homemade meatball dinner...I did some laundry...but really I am just a robot going through the motions of pretending to have a life.

On the outside, I seem fine...I know Kevin thinks I am doing okay as I am trying to stay busy...but I am not okay.   I will never be okay.

Mentally and physically, I am a walking disaster looking for a place to happen.

But I will put on a happy smiling face, laugh at peoples jokes, put up funny memes on facebook...everyone will think I am fine and that is what I want...I am an expert at the "facade of happiness"

S