I find it interesting....after spilling "my story" to my daughter and her discounting me...I got a random text from her. She talked about my dad some, then ended the text with "we need to text more"...
EXCUSE ME??? I have tried to text with her over and over, and she either deliberately does not respond or she is too busy to respond. She has even told me as much..."I don't have time to talk right now", then she never gets back to me, even when she says she will.
Again, this just tells me "its all about her"...her time, her conversation, her life...she really does not give a rats ass about me...which is so fucking obvious because she has not asked any questions about "my past life"...she has not validated me or even acted like she "heard me"...
My entire family is like that...with Cory, its all about Cory, with Gary, its all about Gary (even though he does text me frequently and we do talk some...he knows about my past too, but he has no questions and avoids difficult conversations) Taryn, of course, is all about Taryn...same with my cousins and John...Its always about them and fuck me.
My mom once told me "if I could have, I would have aborted you".....so many days, I wish that had been the case. Because really, especially since dump trump won, my family has aborted me from their lives....I think they only keep me on the fringe in case they need something, then its "mom".....fuck that shit.
My moms birthday is this week...I found her a very "generic" birthday card, nothing sentimental about about honoring a loved mother on her day, and I signed it "Melissa"....she may or may not know who Melissa is, but she certainly would not remember that I legally changed my name to Sparrow. Even before her stroke and consequence dementia, she knew damn well my name was now Sparrow, but she refused to call me that...always referring to me as Melissa....again, she was mentally abusing me, keeping me locked down in "melissa" mode...fuck her
I am getting older and more frail....and I am alone. Kevin is older too, and now he has a "nodule" in his lungs that he is being referred to cardiologists care....this is directly because of his pack a day smoking habit....he refuses to quit...so I need to prepare for him to develop lung cancer and die, leaving me even more alone.
What will it be like, living in Virginia, all by myself??? I have no friends here, I have some acquaintances, but no one to be there to help me or even to do anything with..Will I be forced to move back to Oklahoma? Even if I did, I seriously doubt any of my kids would be there for me...they weren't there for me when I did live there, so nothing would change, except that I would be just as alone in Oklahoma as here....
I know this for a fact...if Kevin dies before me...it won't be long until I join him...he seriously is all I have in the world....I could never go back to John...his religion and ideology is what drove me away in the first place, I cannot go back into a Christian Nationalist Trump supporting household....that would be a fate worse than death.....
I would rather die than go back there...seriously.
I have been doing so much to try and keep this depression at bay...but I feel it always looking over my shoulder, waiting waiting waiting....but I am failing....depression is my warm blanket, and right now I am so so cold....I am having to turn up the temperature of my warm blanket...it is my security and a place I know very well.
Every day I wake up, I count the hours until I can go back to sleep...living and life means nothing to me...only sleep. I go through the motions of taking care of my critters, I don't even try to shower everyday anymore either...I don't care how I look or how I smell...I am alone...so I have no one to "look pleasant" for....Kevin does not care as he does not shower and shave everyday, not even every other day, but maybe twice a week...he does not seem to care about his appearance, so neither should I...we are both old has beens....just too old wrinkled geezers that do not have any more life to live....
fuck
S
No comments:
Post a Comment