can't pretend

 I am at a loss.....with depression, the depressive events, flow and ebb...some days good, some days, not so good.

I have many factors that contribute to my depression:

Holiday season

daylight savings time fall back, meaning less sun

family struggles and issues

being alone

memories of my wretched childhood

my step dad with heart failure

mother

insecurity I feel

health struggles

financial struggles

relationship struggles with the man I truly love

no real friendships with like minded people..

Trump

Actually my list goes on and on and on....and almost all of these aforementioned depressive events seem to all coming at once...all of them...

I am finding myself wanting to be alone in my apartment...I find myself wanting to be alone in public...I find myself sleeping more than usual...I find myself not eating like I should because I have no appetite....I find myself not wanting or caring for intimate contact: either through hugs, kisses or even sex...I just simply don't care anymore about intimacy...

I find myself just "going through the motions", not really caring one way or another, just robotic movement...

I find myself not caring about anybody or anything anymore except Kevin and my critters...I feel so isolated anyway...only Kevin and my critters are physically around...that is a pretty lonely existence.

I wish I could work a job...but my mental condition and physical problems (reactive hypoglycemia, brain tumors, etc..) have left me "disabled".....I have been trying to find volunteer activities and once a week I do walk dogs for a service dog organization, but other than that, I sit around all day, just piddling, doing nothing...

This makes me feel so worthless,  I do not matter, I am expendable because really, I am only a strain on the economy.  I don't work, therefore I don't support the economy, except on a purchasing point: groceries, gas, rent..."  but even in that, I barely  pay anything, as I don't eat, and I don't travel anywhere in my Jeep,  I have no money, so I don't spend any money...

It also depresses me so much, that I have no real close friendships...because of the political divide, I can no longer even have conversations with Maga friends, because I know how they voted and what they voted for, and that is the biggest divide between us...so if I do talk to anyone, other than Kevin, I have to only talk about superficial bullshit and inane banter...I have to squash my feelings of "shock" at the person they elected to president.  The "shock" that they don't care about womens rights or anybody elses rights...how can I be friends with people who just "flat don't care about others?"  

I will not be a hypocrite...I will not pretend to "accept" them...it wasn't just a republican vote, I have nothing against republicans, they are good people...but for the "good" people that voted for such a "horrible lying rapist rascist" I cannot reconcile myself to that...I just can't...

So, that even leaves me further alone...and that aloneness feeds my depression like a gourmet buffet...I am starting to "gain weight" with depression...my depression is being weighted down and expanded by my loneliness...

I am not sure if I can recover....way too many issues and stuff happening all at once...I am overloaded and I am so close to breaking down...

I am not sure I even want to recover...

S

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I am very concerned for her.  She is spiraling fast.  She spiraled like this once before and ended up sitting in a running car in a closed garage.  This frightens me.  This should frighten everyone who says they love her,  but I fear she only has one person who truly loves her and that is Kevin.  One person is not enough to keep her from going down, she needs help.  But I also realize that no amount of mental health professionals can help her, they never have, they have only let her and us down.    

We are all watching her,  but help is beyond our reach.

Tessa