FUCK THANKSGIVING

 I do not even know where to start today on this blog.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving day....I kinda expected the "Happy Thanksgiving" text from my kids,  it is socially acceptable and a "thoughts and prayers" kinda text.  

But instead, my daughter decided to call me and put me on Skype so I could see and talk to the grandkids and my kids.....

And I did get to tell my grandkids hello and see how much they have grown up,  that part was nice...

But then, she put the phone in my MOTHERS face and told me to say hello to her......

THE FUCK??????  Even after I bared my soul to her about my past abuse and my mothers abuse, I also told her that I had to leave because of my mother, mainly, and the fact that I can't be safe in Oklahoma.  She knows this, but she forced me to look into my "abusers" face and make nice.....And she not only did that once but many times, panning the phone so I would see my mother over and over.....

That was emotional and psychological abuse.....

Then this morning I had a text from John telling me "don't be upset if your mother did not know who you were, she had to ask who everyone was"....I AM FUCKING UPSET SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHO I WAS....I WISH SHE HAD....THEN SHE COULD HAVE SEEN THE HATRED IN MY EYES TOWARDS HER....AND SHE WOULD KNOW WHY.......am I suppose to forgive her?  and I suppose to forget about her and her actions now that she has Dementia....does dementia give her a pass and I am suppose to be okay with that?

She doesn't remember, so therefore you should just forget too......Oh my fucking god.  John even knows more than Taryn, the relationship I have with my mother....HE FUCKING KNOWS, and yet he says to not be "upset my mom didn't know me...."

THEN WHY THE FUCK DID I LEAVE?????? JOHN KNOWS EXACTLY WHY I LEFT, YET HE STILL MENTALLY ABUSES ME, BY HIS FUCKING "FORGIVE" CHRISTIAN ATTITUDE.

He did not have my childhood, he was not horribly abused in every fucking way,  neither were my kids, so it is so fucking easy for them to not understand, and even to try to understand...they don't get it, and they don't want to get it.....fuck

I feel like I am a "punching bag" for them....its like, now, my mom and dad are oblivious to how they treated me,  they are taking up the slack....ARE THEY REALLY THAT IGNORANT AND SELFISH?  

I am so upset right now, my hands are shaking....all I see is my mothers face, staring at me, not smiling, just a blank dismissive stare......this is exactly how she looked at me when I was being abused by that fuck, Ronald...blank and dismissive....and it horrified me and crushed me.....IT TRIGGERED ME, I FELT IMMEDIATELY THAT HORRIBLE SENSE OF NOT BEING IN A SAFE PLACE, VULNERABLE TO MORE ABUSE AND NOT ABLE TO STOP IT....

BUT TARYN DOESN'T CARE, JOHN DOESN'T CARE.....I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND RAGE...THEY KNOW WHAT WAS DONE TO HER...THEY FUCKING KNOW AND STILL THEY DO WHAT THEY DO, SAY WHAT THEY SAY...IT REAFIRMS THAT SHE DOES NOT FUCKING  MATTER AT ALL.....I WANT TO PUNCH ALL OF THEM IN THE FACE.

Kevin knows my childhood, my past, he knows everything and he understands why I am the way I am and he does not ever trigger me...he helps me....he is the only one who truly loves me...one person in this entire world..one person has my back....NOT MY FAMILY,  A NON FAMILY MEMBER...IS THAT SAD OR WHAT????

Then taryn goes on to say, "I wish you were here"...really, there in the same house with my fuck mother???????  she doesn't wish I was there because she truly loves me and wants me there, she wishes I was there, so I could take over taking care of my parents....she is doing that now...again, they only want me there to relieve them of having to take care of aging grandparents...John wants me there because he does not want to clean up after my dad when he pisses on the floor...he wants me there to be the nurse maid, so he can go and do his thing....no love, just servanthood....

I am nothing to my family, but a means to an end.....story of my life...

S

sophee

maybe a god?

 So maybe there really is a god, or some supreme entity....hear me out!

Leading up to the election,  Maga was gearing up to "stop the steal"...they were itching for another Jan 6 riot, and they were wanting more...a Civil War.

I heard and read about the "civil war" message so much...If Trump lost, then all hell would break out as they absolutely would not have accepted the outcome if it had been Harris.

Here in VA, about a month or so ago, a town hosted over 11,000 militia...they roamed the streets and gathered at a park all dressed in camo, carrying guns openly.  It was a peaceful gathering, but it also was a very scary message...."We are here and ready to fight"....

This had me very worried,  on election day, I took my own guns out, and loaded them  hid around my home,  I am in a red state and had a Harris/Waltz sign hanging on my balcony and I have been very vocal about NOT VOTING TRUMP.   Being a Harris supporter in a red state is not necessarily the most comforting of places....I was getting prepared for the maga fallout if Harris won.  I was a perceived threat.

Turns out,  Trump won by the smallest voter turn out margin in the history of presidential elections, the population literally was split down the middle....like the North and the South of Civil War days.

So half the country voted blue and half voted red....that is a very even split....

Now, here is where the God thing comes in:   during the Civil War, hundreds of thousands of families had to fight other family members because of north and south...families were split....farmers were killed, families were killed, their homes raided and ransacked, southern women were raped and probably northern women as well....our country was in chaos....people died, homes were destroyed, animals were killed and displaced, it was horrible....it shattered america....

and that was way before the advancement of arms...way before the automatic guns, hand grenades, rocket launchers....drones...airplanes etc....so the first civil war was more hand to hand combat...a new civil war would be more military and more deadly, more destructive and all around the worse America could be.....

So....maybe a god, or some sort of entity, allowed Trump to win, to avoid our country going into another war amongst itself...the patriots won, the Maga movement won, so there is no need to shoot and kill and march and intimidate citizens...they were cut off at the knees....there were itching for blood shed, and the universe said...no.

I do not believe in coincidences...everything happens for a reason...we may not know the reason now, but we will in the future...so for the next 4 years, I will keep my head down, keep to myself, and try and make it through Trumps suicidal and stupid promises....maybe he will just fucking die in office...one can only hope...but what I do know is NO one is in charge in the large scheme of things...our planet is in charge.....the planet is already spanking us over climate change and global warming, we are already being spanked with extreme weather, and it will only get worse...so maybe a civil war would have been a waste of time, because mankind is already at war with the earth....and that is the WAR that a god will win....

Anyhoo,  these is something I am musing over....republicans and democrats are not in control, not really, they cannot control mankind and mankinds destruction of our planet...they try, but it is not a collective effort, so it is really meaningless to try...I do not even have a recycling bin here, Roanoke county does not recycle...so this is just an example that man does not give a flying fuck about our environment and the future generations that will have to try and live in ridiculous states of horror and destruction...

Maybe,  the god, or whatever will just fucking get tired of earth and the way mankind is destroying it with glee...he will just send a meteor to destroy the entire planet....go for it....I am waiting for the meteor.... We are helpless to the fact, the real fact, that the universe itself will most likely destroy the earth for us.

S

Johnny fence rider...

 Finally did something right!  I was so bummed that I got Kevin the football tickets, because at the time I purchased them, Dallas was not in fucking last place.

Going into the Cowboy/Commander game, Dallas was/is in last place....losers...

BUT,  the Cowboys took over in the 4th quarter and beat the Commanders.  I was so happy, as Kevin got to watch live and in person Dallas beating Washington!  I even got the tickets where his seat was on the Dallas Cowboy side of the stadium...that was pure luck.

So my Xmas present football ticket was a success!

It is nice to do something nice and have something work out for the good or positive, once in awhile.

I don't know what it is with me,  I am constantly fucking up my phone, my computer, my TV, anything electronic I destroy, and I don't mean too....I know that Kevin must get so fucking tired of having to fix all my "computer/electronic" issues...he must think I fuck them up just to give him something to do...I swear I don't...

I have never been able to really do anything productive my entire life, except having kids...my marriage was a sham, every job I have had, I have had to quit because I am just too ME.   I am a runner,  I have had my fill of fighting and losing all the fucking time, so now I just run.  I run from my problems, I run from accountability, I run from society, I run from religion, I run from chaos,  I am a runner.

Runner or coward?  I just don't know.   Maybe both....My instinct is to run and hide from drama...and hope that it just goes away.....I am tired of fighting.  I have tried to fight my whole life but after consistently being beaten into the ground, I just left...I ran away.  COWARD? or just tired of being hurt....don't know.

I have been in VA 6 years, and in that time literally only about 4 or 5 people, other than Kevin, have been in my apartment.   I am very reclusive and view my apartment as my "safety"...I am very selective at who I allow into my home....My home is not child proof....so I don't want any little kids in here.  My home is not Christian, I have an altar and many Wiccan and Pagan items all around...my home would be offensive or even scary to ignorant christians....so I don't have company....I just keep to myself and idle away my time each day.

Being alone is not just a bummer on a social level, but it is also a wonderful peace.   I never have to worry about people walking in, or banging on my door...I don't have solicitors at all.   I don't have random family members and their friends traipsing around my space, eating my food or drinking my alcohol.   I can smoke a blunt anytime I want and not have to worry about offending anyone.   It is so refreshing to have my very own secluded "safe" place for me and Boomer to live.  And with Kevin living so close to me now,  I feel more safety.

I am trying so hard to climb out of this fucking depression....it hits me at the oddest times...my life has been rapidly changing this past year....changing from a romantic lifestyle I fantasied about to a routine schedule, based on convenience of time and health.   This past presidential election has further separated me from friends and family....I had to unfriend and unfollow so many Trumpsters friends, because for the life of me, I cannot understand anybody compromising their values for a perceived economy benefits....that is not Christian, that is rolling over and licking the ground, bowing the knee, whatever, and I really thought those friends who voted for Trump were better people...I was wrong. 

I have one friend, in particular, who I valued so much, because of her and mines similar mental issues,  I thought so much of her,  I felt she was so brave, so beautiful, so real...then the election, and she became MAGA...I was shocked to the core....I unfriended her, and she has been sending me instant messages and I just cannot respond...I am so sick in my heart because of her denial of womens rights, her helping to elect a rapist and convicted felon...HOW CAN PEOPLE DO THAT???  I don't understand how anyone can ignore those crimes and vote for this criminal to be President of the United States???  I cannot be around hypocrites...I just can't.   It sickens me. 

So, I have lost a lot of connections because of politics...lost family because of politics...and religion.

I know this seems I am isolating myself, and I have no one to blame but myself..but here's the deal.  I am not a hypocrite, and I will not associate with hypocrites, because by associating with them, I am, supporting their vote, supporting their lack of morals, supporting their ignorance, and I just cannot lower myself to do that.   I can only be acquaintance friends, but I cannot become real friends..

I AM NOT JOHNNY FENCE RIDER....

S

game day

 Well Kevin is off to the Dallas/Commander game.  I am nervous for this.  He is not all Dallas'ed up, he is only wearing a Cowboys shirt, but he has a jean jacket on over it and is wearing his black cowboy hat.  So he will not be advertising he is a Dallas Cowboys fan...this gives me relief.

In this climate of anger, social divide and politics,  it is getting increasing more dangerous to go to huge gatherings...there are shootings all the fucking time....also there is Covid, and no body wears masks anymore.  He is taking a mask in case he is sitting by someone who is coughing and hacking....

So today, to distract myself while Kevin is gone, I found a really good show to stream and watch on Prime, its called "Cross"...based on the novels by James Patterson.  Back in the day I read so many of his books, they were really really good and I am excited that I found this show.

The weather is supposed to be good, here and in Washington DC, so that will be good for Kevin sitting in the stands...I may take Boomer on a hike today.

I really hope that the Cowboys win...that would be so cool, and just an added surprise to the tickets I got him for Xmas.   But the Cowboys are so bad with one of the worse records so far this football season, however, the Commanders have lost their last two games and are only one game win ahead of Dallas....so hopefully this will be a really fun and exciting game.  I will watch it on TV this afternoon, and I will look for the long haired dude in a black cowboy hat in the stands! haha

S

chunk of coal

 For Xmas, I bought Kevin a Dallas Cowboy/Washington Commanders, ticket for this Sundays game in DC.

I wish Dallas were doing better, this year they are dismal, Kevin has been so disappointed in them, he is not even wearing his Dallas gear or even watching the games...I really feel bad that the game he is going to, will be a disaster for Dallas....

I feel bad now for the gift.   He will get to go to a game with absolutely no hope of winning,  no hope for excitement or fun...just him in a sea of Commander fans slamming the Cowboys..

I am actually a little worried...I have asked him not to Dallas up (wear all the DC clothing and what not),  in this environment we live in, violence is normal....and the Cowboys are enemies with Washington...If something bad happens to him at that game or after, it will be all my fault.

If Dallas somehow, wins, then if Kevin is in his gear, he will be a fucking target to drunk Commander fans, that will seek revenge on him, solely because he is wearing and supporting the Cowboys...

I wish I had never purchased the ticket....I feel it is a waste of hundreds of dollars, gas time, travel and all that...and I feel I have inadvertently put him at risk..

He seemed so excited to get the ticket, but then the Cowboys have been playing so fucking badly, his excitement for the team is not there, not this year...

He should sell that ticket to a Commander fan....

I wish I had never bought that fucking ticket....I feel like an ass....buying that ticket was the worse present I could have gotten him.....watching that game will only leave him:

disappointed

angry/weary

and unhappy

what a great gift!  fuck

I failed again with that purchase....if Dallas was actually a competitive team, exciting to watch and had a decent coach and players, then the ticket would have been worth it and a great gift.

But now, that great gift is nothing but a "big chunk of coal"....a ticket made of shit.

I can't do anything right...all my good intentions always backfire...my intention was to make him so happy, to surprise him with this gift, let him experience a professional sport in person once again...

I felt it was a reward or bonus for all the hard work he does at the VA, and with me....instead I might as well as "garnished his paycheck" for all the good this worthless football ticket is....

I failed, once again...

S

long forgotten

 Omgosh...on the interrnet news page I follow (because it has the less pop up ads, and easiest format to read,  I saw article after article about "nuclear war" risks...

cities in the US to be stroke by nuclear bombs, states in US with Nuclear facilities, etc...

countries that would not be safe...

what you should have on hand if internet and power grids go down..

foods to keep stocked in case of distribution problems

and the list went on and on....

Never in my 62 yrs of life, have I ever read so many "doomsday" articles as I have been reading since the start of the Ukraine war...

Is this how the world as we know it will end?  Will WW3 be in my lifetime?

What happens to our children and future generations?  Will there ever be a future generation?

I have been taking precautionary steps to prep for some of this:  I am getting a solar powered charger.

I have stocking up on batteries, canned goods, salt, sugar and flour.  I am paying off all my bills so I have no debt.   I am making sure my firearms are in working order and getting supplies for them.

I am doing little things to protect myself...I wish Kevin would do the same....

I am also stocking up on dog food, and dog meds, as well as meds for me, first aide kits, I have walkie talkies already...

I feel like it is better to be prepared and not need to be, than need to be prepared and have nothing....

The situation in this world is getting worse and worse, especially since the Russia/Ukraine war, and the upcoming Trump administration....our military forces and storage will be compromised under him just like what is happening with Biden...this scares the fuck out of me.

Even countries like Sweden and Finland are sending all their residents little "pamplets or books" on how to prepare for an invasion...prepping they will need...fuck!

You know, I have lived a long life, so at 62, if US goes to war with Russia and China and North Korea,  I may suffer hardship or even death, but that is okay.  I have lived my life...but my kids and grandkids and all the other generations will be so deeply affected and scarred and many many many of them will die too soon...

I guess lessons learned from Nagasaki and Hiroshima have long been forgotten...sigh

Reading the news is a two edged sword.  So much is depressing and the doomsday politics and national security issues tops the list...but we still need the news for weather and local stuff, so it is almost fucking impossible to take a break from news, social media and the like...I like to be informed, yet I hate the fear and shit these outlets present....

So not sure where to go from here...I guess no where.

S 

counting the hours

 I find it interesting....after spilling "my story" to my daughter and her discounting me...I got a random text from her.  She talked about my dad some, then ended the text with "we need to text more"...

EXCUSE ME???  I have tried to text with her over and over, and she either deliberately does not respond or she is too busy to respond.  She has even told me as much..."I don't have time to talk right now", then she never gets back to me, even when she says she will.

Again, this just tells me "its all about her"...her time, her conversation, her life...she really does not give a rats ass about me...which is so fucking obvious because she has not asked any questions about "my past life"...she has not validated me or even acted like she "heard me"... 

My entire family is like that...with Cory, its all about Cory, with Gary, its all about Gary (even though he does text me frequently and we do talk some...he knows about my past too, but he has no questions and avoids difficult conversations) Taryn, of course, is all about Taryn...same with my cousins and John...Its always about them and fuck me.

My mom once told me "if I could have, I would have aborted you".....so many days, I wish that had been the case.   Because really, especially since dump trump won, my family has aborted me from their lives....I think they only keep me on the fringe in case they need something, then its "mom".....fuck that shit.

My moms birthday is this week...I found her a very "generic" birthday card, nothing sentimental about about honoring a loved mother on her day, and I signed it "Melissa"....she may or may not know who Melissa is, but she certainly would not remember that I legally changed my name to Sparrow.  Even before her stroke and consequence dementia, she knew damn well my name was now Sparrow, but she refused to call me that...always referring to me as Melissa....again, she was mentally abusing me, keeping me locked down in "melissa" mode...fuck her

I am getting older and more frail....and I am alone.   Kevin is older too, and now he has a "nodule" in his lungs that he is being referred to cardiologists care....this is directly because of his pack a day smoking habit....he refuses to quit...so I need to prepare for him to develop lung cancer and die, leaving me even more alone.

What will it be like, living in Virginia, all by myself???  I have no friends here, I have some acquaintances, but no one to be there to help me or even to do anything with..Will I be forced to move back to Oklahoma?  Even if I did, I seriously doubt any of my kids would be there for me...they weren't there for me when I did live there, so nothing would change, except that I would be just as alone in Oklahoma as here....

I know this for a fact...if Kevin dies before me...it won't be long until I join him...he seriously is all I have in the world....I could never go back to John...his religion and ideology is what drove me away in the first place, I cannot go back into a Christian Nationalist Trump supporting household....that would be a fate worse than death.....

I would rather die than go back there...seriously.

I have been doing so much to try and keep this depression at bay...but I feel it always looking over my shoulder, waiting waiting waiting....but I am failing....depression is my warm blanket, and right now I am so so cold....I am having to turn up the temperature of my warm blanket...it is my security and a place I know very well.

Every day I wake up,  I count the hours until I can go back to sleep...living and life means nothing to me...only sleep.  I go through the motions of taking care of my critters, I don't even try to shower everyday anymore either...I don't care how I look or how I smell...I am alone...so I have no one to "look pleasant" for....Kevin does not care as he does not shower and shave everyday, not even every other day, but maybe twice a week...he does not seem to care about his appearance, so neither should I...we are both old has beens....just too old wrinkled geezers that do not have any more life to live....

fuck

S

Facade of happiness

 Yesterday we finally got a good rain, it rained all day long.  We needed it as we have been in such a drought.  So even though it was a cold wet rain, it was much needed.

Last night was a shitfest of sleep....damn blood sugar levels dropped off and on all night.  I would get really hot and sweaty then kick the covers off, only to become cold and have to put them back on.

this was my back and forth fight all fucking night long.

These are not hot flashes due to menopause as I take hormone replacement therapy, but this happens when my blood sugar count goes to 55 and below...

I have been doing some research as to why I cannot keep my sugar levels in the normal range.

1>  Major stomach surgeries, I have had 5 major abdominal surgeries...

2.  stress and not eating,  I am continually nauseous and eating is hard, and my stress is through the roof

3.   diabetes...I have reactionary hypoglycemia, not diabetic.  Reactionary hypoglycemia means that ALL food, no matter the diet, causes my sugar levels to rise way over 200, then rapidly plummet to below 55...this is not normal...

4.  Insulinoma...a tumor inside my pancreas...this is the one that freaks me out the most.

To test for that particular tumor...you have to be admitted into the hospital for a couple of days..you have to fast for those two days, so they can measure the insulin levels...then there are MRIs, CAT scans, ultrasounds...it is very difficult to detect a tumor inside the pancreas.  If they do after all those tests, think there is one, then its surgery to cut inside the pancreas and remove the tumor.  Insulinomas are benign tumors, meaning they stay in the pancreas and not spread to other parts of the body, but they grow and fuck your pancreas up.   This makes keeping my oxygen levels at a healthy pace in my blood stream almost fucking impossible.   

It is so hard to try and deal with this hypoglycemia...exercise, burning calories are not good for me...as I lose sugar balance and then my insulin crashes....

This happened yesterday while walking dogs at St Francis.  I ate breakfast before I left, my blood sugar meter said I was 140, when I got to the center.   After walking my last dog, my meter started sounding the loud alarm (to tell me I am below 55)...I knew my sugar was crashing before the alarm as I started get really shaky....I could barely get the dog back in the kennel, before I started getting sweaty and confused....a staff lady was present...she helped me to my car so I could get my insulin gel to swallow.  I was so fucking embarrassed....when my sugar levels drop too low, I can't speak straight, I get really confused and very emotional...this fucking embarrasses the hell out of me....

Now, the staff member knows I am a fucking health risk...what if it had dropped when I was way out in the field with the dog?  I could pass out, then the dog could run off....or someone may see me and hear me and think I am on drugs or drunk....

This is why I cannot work...my body is so fucked up...not only my head is fucked up with DID, but my body is fucked up too....everything about me is flat fucked up.

I am thinking of quitting walking dogs....I cannot risk another "episode" and the prospect of possibly feinting at the center...they will see first hand, that the dogs are not safe with me....

Just another fucking reason my depression is deepening.   I have been trying to stay busy, keep my mind active...I baked brownies for Kevin, I prepared a homemade meatball dinner...I did some laundry...but really I am just a robot going through the motions of pretending to have a life.

On the outside, I seem fine...I know Kevin thinks I am doing okay as I am trying to stay busy...but I am not okay.   I will never be okay.

Mentally and physically, I am a walking disaster looking for a place to happen.

But I will put on a happy smiling face, laugh at peoples jokes, put up funny memes on facebook...everyone will think I am fine and that is what I want...I am an expert at the "facade of happiness"

S

can't pretend

 I am at a loss.....with depression, the depressive events, flow and ebb...some days good, some days, not so good.

I have many factors that contribute to my depression:

Holiday season

daylight savings time fall back, meaning less sun

family struggles and issues

being alone

memories of my wretched childhood

my step dad with heart failure

mother

insecurity I feel

health struggles

financial struggles

relationship struggles with the man I truly love

no real friendships with like minded people..

Trump

Actually my list goes on and on and on....and almost all of these aforementioned depressive events seem to all coming at once...all of them...

I am finding myself wanting to be alone in my apartment...I find myself wanting to be alone in public...I find myself sleeping more than usual...I find myself not eating like I should because I have no appetite....I find myself not wanting or caring for intimate contact: either through hugs, kisses or even sex...I just simply don't care anymore about intimacy...

I find myself just "going through the motions", not really caring one way or another, just robotic movement...

I find myself not caring about anybody or anything anymore except Kevin and my critters...I feel so isolated anyway...only Kevin and my critters are physically around...that is a pretty lonely existence.

I wish I could work a job...but my mental condition and physical problems (reactive hypoglycemia, brain tumors, etc..) have left me "disabled".....I have been trying to find volunteer activities and once a week I do walk dogs for a service dog organization, but other than that, I sit around all day, just piddling, doing nothing...

This makes me feel so worthless,  I do not matter, I am expendable because really, I am only a strain on the economy.  I don't work, therefore I don't support the economy, except on a purchasing point: groceries, gas, rent..."  but even in that, I barely  pay anything, as I don't eat, and I don't travel anywhere in my Jeep,  I have no money, so I don't spend any money...

It also depresses me so much, that I have no real close friendships...because of the political divide, I can no longer even have conversations with Maga friends, because I know how they voted and what they voted for, and that is the biggest divide between us...so if I do talk to anyone, other than Kevin, I have to only talk about superficial bullshit and inane banter...I have to squash my feelings of "shock" at the person they elected to president.  The "shock" that they don't care about womens rights or anybody elses rights...how can I be friends with people who just "flat don't care about others?"  

I will not be a hypocrite...I will not pretend to "accept" them...it wasn't just a republican vote, I have nothing against republicans, they are good people...but for the "good" people that voted for such a "horrible lying rapist rascist" I cannot reconcile myself to that...I just can't...

So, that even leaves me further alone...and that aloneness feeds my depression like a gourmet buffet...I am starting to "gain weight" with depression...my depression is being weighted down and expanded by my loneliness...

I am not sure if I can recover....way too many issues and stuff happening all at once...I am overloaded and I am so close to breaking down...

I am not sure I even want to recover...

S

___________________________________________________________________________________

I am very concerned for her.  She is spiraling fast.  She spiraled like this once before and ended up sitting in a running car in a closed garage.  This frightens me.  This should frighten everyone who says they love her,  but I fear she only has one person who truly loves her and that is Kevin.  One person is not enough to keep her from going down, she needs help.  But I also realize that no amount of mental health professionals can help her, they never have, they have only let her and us down.    

We are all watching her,  but help is beyond our reach.

Tessa

laugh will be on you...

 What the fuck?  I am getting hives all the time...they wake me up with all the itching when I am trying to sleep...it seems the hives happen only when I am sleeping...wtf?

I washed my sheets,  I have not changed anything in regards to laundry detergent and things like that, so I have eliminated any new or different detergents, so it isn't my sheets....

I think maybe it is just nerves...and they come alive at night....

I think my subconscious is at war with my consciousness and they battle it out at night, and the hives are the bloodshed of that battle....

That is my theory at least.

I do know that since before that trash man, tump, was elected,  I have had so many family issues, and that does stress me out, then all the trash trump shit stresses me out, because all his supporters think that "tariffs" are the way to go...what they do not realize, because they are so fucking ignorant on what a tariff really means for the consumer...

I am on a fixed budget, like millions of other Americans, and I simply cannot afford higher priced goods, that will happen if trash trump enacts all the fucking tariffs he has planned.  So trash trump is fucking the middle class, he is fucking the very people who voted for him...he succeeded in "fleecing" americans, the uneducated ones....which is the vast majority of his supporters...they hang on his every word, believe everything that comes out of his stupid mouth...this stresses me out too...

America is an ignorant country, full of ignorant trash trump supporters....well the WAKE UP call is coming and the "I told you so's" will be in full force once trash trump takes office and instills his little robots to do his bidding....

A mass deportation that he is touting, will cost over 88 billion dollars to fund.  Where do you think all that money will come from?  The tax payer!  Taxes will go up to fund this farce of an action, but trash trump does not care...he does not care about the people...

Tariffs will raise the price consumers spend on everyday commodities.  If countries have to pay higher tariffs to get their goods into america, then they will raise their prices, they will impose tariffs on America as well...it will be a tit for tat tariff war, and guess who will suffer the consequences?  The American consumer as prices will rise, inflation will rise and YOU WILL NOT BE BETTER OFF UNDER TRUMP....INFLATION WILL SOAR!   But most Americans do not know this, because they do not actually understand or even want to learn about the exact nature of tariffs....

This stresses me out, as I have a hard enough time trying to pay all my bills and eat each month...and it will get worse and worse....

Fuck...I cannot believe trash trump is in office...this is a national disaster waiting to happen, and it will happen soon......so be ready Maga, the last laugh will be on you.

S

MAGA meaning....

 I have been trying to accept the fact that "you know who" was elected president.  I am not worried for me, really, but for our daughters and grand daughters, for those who opposed "you know who" and the state of our economy.

Everyone knows that "you know who" has said lots of things that sound good, but in the end, everyone also knows that he is a liar, and most of what he said and promised are either, flat out a lie, or cannot be done the way he says...

I understand that people are frustrated, but electing a man like "you know who", will just add more frustration because of his personality, lies and selfish admission.   The people he aligns himself with are also just as bad.

Elon Musk, who once worked in America as an "illegal immigrant",  fleecing money etc...

JD Vance, a bought man, a spreader off conspiracy and an anti-woman person....also a liar and a cheater and has serious character issues...

The list goes on, none of these people/especially men, have no moral compass...its all about the money, never about the people....

I feel bad for Maga and the other republicans, as they will be "laughed at" and the "I told you so's will start flying"....they will realize the error of their vote but be too ashamed of admitting they voted for the wrong person....their pride will make them even more bitter and more inclined to violence...this is a scary scenario of a very "likely" outcome....Trump knows this and he will use their "anger over being lied too and manipulated with "false" promises to further anger and outrage.  Trump will turn their "mistakes" into a fodder for him to stir up "civil war".....

I have already started stocking up on food and supplies that do not expire, things that will be essential if and when our economy starts to tank because of all these tarifs,  and the cost of imported goods starts to sky rocket...which will happen if the all these ridiculous tarifs go into effect....I find it so hard to believe that republicans and Maga believe that "you  know whose" tarifs will help America....they will only help the super rich....and the middle and lower income america will suffer the consequences, not the super rich.....

I never ever take a person at their word...if they are a politician and are making all these promises...I fact check the "repercussions vs advantages" of those promises...I fact check...

Evidently, Maga has no use to fact checking, which shows their ignorance of real governmental laws and statues and repercussions of "you know whose" promises....they love the "promises" but don't actually care if those "promises" are unattainable....again, uneducated, Maga, will have to get their education the hard way.....by suffering and realizing all the lies.....sucks to be Maga.

You know Kamala Harris promised to have a "republican at her table" if she had been elected...its a fucking joke to think "you know who" will let a democrat sit at his table....he is too fucking selfish to do that, he has to have everyone around him "like and worship him"....the wanna be dictator...

Again, Maga fails to see him for who he really is, and so do most regular republicans...which is a sad state of our Union....America prefers "conspiracies, lies, manipulation and false promises" than a real and "honest" government.

I am not saying Harris was all that....I believe her promises of "free this and free that" would only raise taxes to cover all the free stuff, but at the same time, she proposed and explained where the money would come from....vs "you know who" would only says "I have a concept of a plan"...translated means I have no plan, I am TRUMP....again, the self centered narcist who thinks if he speaks it out, it will happen, because he has no understanding of the constitution and laws...he thinks he is above the law...

He is as uneducated as his Maga subordinates and lazy republicans....so sad....America is in distress, America is not great again...

MAGA:   actually means:  Misinformation Attack Gaslighting Americans

S 

No doubt

 Yesterday was a complete horrible day.  The USA voted Donald Trump in as President, again.

I am not upset that a Republican won...I am upset that Trump won.  Trump is a 34 time convicted felon, he has been convicted of sexual assaulting a woman...he has so many other court cases pending for fraud, election interference and the list goes on and on....this is what has me so upset.

How can a man of his character make the white house...what does this say about Americans?

How the fuck are parents suppose to talk to their children...what if a child is doing lousy in school, gets in trouble with the law and the parents try and talk to them about straightening up their lives?  The kids will only look to the President and say, "well it doesn't matter what I do, what I say, or how I act...I could still be president one day".....We try and teach our children to be good, to not lie...but look what got Trump into office...his lies and threats and fear mongering....He is now the example of a liar as a President....

This is now the "example" for kids and future politicians...Trump is now the new role model for our nations children.  How can anyone respect the highest office in the land, when it is occupied by one of the crooked, most corrupt man ever....One of his best friends for over 10 years was fucking Jeffrey Epstein, a convicted child predator and sex trafficker...Trump even uses Epstein's airplane....Trump literally throws decency,  law and order in the garbage can and flaunts it in Americas face....

But what bothers me the most is all the christians and professed christians who still went against the bible, against god himself and voted for the devil....I have lost ALL respect for anyone who voted for Trump, especially the supposed christians....These christians have been exposed for the hypocrits they are...they don't give a shit about the character of a person...they don't give a shit about decency and bible applications...they are all fucking bigots, selfish, self serving and above all they just threw the bible back in Jesus face and said a great big "FUCK YOU"....

AND THAT IS THE EXAMPLE THEY GAVE THEIR CHILDREN....FUCK THE BIBLE, FUCK BEING A GOOD PERSON, FUCK FOLLOWING A GOD...KEEP  COMMITTING CRIMES, KEEP LIEING, KEEP ABUSING OTHERS SEXUALLY, KEEP EMBEZZLING AND KEEP DEFRAUDING COMPANIES,  KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK BECAUSE SOMEDAY YOU CAN BECOME PRESIDENT OF THE UNUNITED STATES.....FUCK

I have unfriended over 20 people on my facebook page.  These were people I respected and thought were good christians....their vote has proven otherwise.....and I can't be a part of the hypocrisy...

Even my X, who supposedly tells people that he does all he can to not sin and to follow the bible and god, to be holy, without blemish and with good and honest character....and HE VOTED FOR TRUMP.

He is a liar, a fucking walking example of the "good christian man".....

I am now literally an orphan, as I can never be around my MAGA family...they called me the hypocrite and sinner for leaving...WHO IS THE HYPOCRIT AND SINNER NOW???????? FUCK

and to put the cherry on top, awhile back I told my daughter everything about my past, the atrocities of my mother, why I do not visit her ever, why I have not talked to her in over a decade....and guess what she did?  SHE SENT ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY MOM.....REALLY??????

She knows how much my mother has hurt me, and yet she sends me a picture of her...WTF?

Seeing the picture is so fucking triggering and effected me so much, it was such a cruel thing to do to me, by my own daughter who knows better.....

I am not proud to be an American...I refuse to stand for the National Anthem, I refuse to put my heart and pledge allegiance to America....NOT WHILE TRUMP IS IN OFFICE.

Trump has no allegiance to America, only himself and his selfish ego...I simply cannot support even the office of the President...there is no honor there anymore....there is no hope for a great nation, not anymore, the people have spoken and they want a "crooked liar, sex offender, fraudster, hate and fear mongering , non christian, horrific PROUD sinner, dictator.   

America has now become a third world country.....the world is laughing at us right now, all the dictators of the world are dancing with joy, and getting ready to trash America.  America is the laughingstock butt of all jokes now....I hope Lee Greenwood is embarrassed now.....

WE are proud to be unamerican

where at least we know we're not free

and we don't care about, the men who died and gave that right to us

and we proudly stand up, next to Trump and defend his right to say,

Cause there ain't no doubt

We hate this land

God fuck the USA....

S

Lincoln Logs

 So last night was another banner night of restless sleep...

I broke out in hives again, and that kept me up for about an hour, slathering on anti-itch cream over the hives and willing myself not to scratch the hives while waiting for the cream to work...sigh

I had a weird ass fuck dream about "Lincoln logs"  you remember those toys where you could build houses and forts and such...these logs (toys) scare me...in my dream, I saw them laying out and I was so scared and I woke up with the hives....

Why would a harmless old school toy like Lincoln Logs freak me out so much, so much so that I broke out in hives?????

Then this morning I went online to do some financial stuff and I got so confused and upset because I am just too fucking stupid to figure out passwords, and to understand financial talk...and I have to, once again, rely on my other "husband" to do all this shit with me...

He tried to tell me that I am of the generation of "old school" bill paying, "write a check, get a receipt and its done", which is just not the case anymore...

So I am too stupid to try and adapt to an ever changing world of online money...even though he is the same fucking age as me, and yet he is smart and intelligent enough to not have problems with internet financial stuff...His very actions and knowledge and intelligence is enough to make me feel even more stupid.

Seriously, the only thing I can do is "house wife shit", clean, do laundry, make lunches,  mundane brainless activities that only dumb stupid people are adept at.   

With every birthday I have, I fall deeper into the "stupid as fuck" category"....even when I try to learn computer shit, my brain just seizes up and I get so fucking upset with myself....realizing I am a fucking dumb shit and getting dumber makes me hate myself and everyone else....

Even my dog is smarter than me....

I remember a time when I was smart...in school I made great grades,  in college, I also did very well, only flunking one class "Aerobics"  because I can't stand running....I was certified to teach American Sign Language, I was certified as a counselor and worked with the courts and juvenile first time offenders, even teaching probation classes at the Barry House in Oklahoma city...the juvenile detention center or jail....I was smart, articulate and knowledgeable....

Fast forward to now,  I no longer can remember so much of ASL,  I am so fucked up and stupid I cannot do counseling anymore, I can't even get a fucking job, because of my head tumors and fucking PTSD and DID....How did I manage to be a productive member of society way back when?  I had DID then too, I had weird PTSD moments, then too....but now, as my memories have started coming back and the knowledge of now, proven, facts about my life...the PTSD is so much fucking worse...

For example:  we were driving on the highway,  Kevin was driving (thank the gods for that) and we were driving under the pathway of the airport...at the exact moment of passing the airport a plane was taking off and it flew right above our car,  it was very loud, and that noise, the roar of the engines caused me to have an acute PTSD attack...as Kevin put it, I just blacked out, totally left reality and shut down...What if I had been driving at that moment?????????

All I remember is the loud sound of a plane engine, then sheer panic, then nothing.......I left my body...and an alter, I assume took over, getting me through the panic attack and memory....As a small child I witnessed a fighter jet crashing to the ground just behind my house...the roar of the engine than the ground shaking, then the fire....(this is all been corroborated by internet search of my memory)  I am waiting for the dreams of airplanes crashing to the ground to start back up again....

Again,  because of these acute panic attacks that slap me out of fucking nowhere, attributes to my decline into stupidity, because of fear and knowledge....

The computer is just another example of my fear of knowledge....fear of the unknown in the cyberspace,  its like a plane waiting to crash right on top of me...the more I learn about the internet, the more I read about hackers and data breaches,  The more fearful I get, and as far as I am concerned, cyberspace is nothing but a plane getting ready to crash down on all of us, but if I stay stupid, maybe it won't freak me out as much...

As much as Kevin tries to teach me internet savvy and help me learn tools to navigate this new reality, I still cannot wrap my head around all the data and knowledge...now AI is out there and that also freaks me the fuck out....I feel so goddamn fucking stupid for even trying to learn....I know it frustrates the hell out of Kevin...I know somewhere in his brain he thinks "what the fuck?  Why can't you get this through that thick skull of yours?  Its not that hard?  God you are so fucking stupid, a goddamn moron....I was a teacher, I know how to teach things to unlearned people and students, so why the fuck can't you learn???????""why must I have to keep repeating myself?" blah blah blah

I can't learn, because I am just too ignorant, and my head will simply not comprehend shit...I live in a constant state of being disoriented and confused...I live in a constant state of fear...I cannot remember things I am trying to learn...I am just plain stupid.

Fuck, Trump probably is the man, and I am just too stupid to realize it....

S 

cryptic poetry

 Okay, so I read what Sammy posted....it seems stupid to me.

I am doing okay, maybe she is referring to the carnage which is this years presidential election...although I doubt she really knows what is going on and what is at stake for our country...

I know that she is "mute" for a reason, and that she holds memories that I am not aware of, maybe she is speaking about those....I fucking don't know, and it makes me mad when she writes those "poems"....she is not speaking for me, Sparrow...even though she is a part of me, fucking weird.

There is a level of darkness in this country, the darkness of Donald dump Trump...and I feel so "horrified" of him winning the election....is she feeling the darkness that is trying to engulf me over a possible Trump victory and our country becoming a "Fascist" nation?

Is she feeling the darkness that is encompassing me on the "imminent" death of my step dad and the chaotic after math that will be funeral and family?   There is that horrific fear of "do I go, or do I stay..."

Or is she commenting on the darkness that is the time change where it is darker during the day?  I think everyone of us knows that the winter solstice and time change, coupled with the holiday season, is depressing to me...it is a dark time for me...

I wish that she would "speak",  I feel that somehow, her memories, are keeping me from truly healing, that old saying "secrets keep you sick"  is true, but how do I tell a secret that is keeping me "sick" when I cannot speak of it because I simply don't know what it is....only Sammy knows...is that the darkness she refers too?

Fuck, her posts just make me even more confused...it is so fucking hard trying to decipher and understand what she writes...I do not know what goes on in the Sammy part of my brain....because she is silent,  I will never know...whereas the others do speak, and can be spoken too and explain themselves or whatever...Sammy does not, can not and will not.....

She only leaves cryptic poems...

S