therapy?

 I know that I need  therapy...I have so many "negative" feelings about myself, because of the abuse (of all types) I have sustained over my lifetime, starting as a small child under 3...

These are the byproducts of extensive abuse, whether sexual, physical, emotional, psychological, or even gaslighting...all of these done to anyone for years and years, damages a person's opinion of themselves.

I suffer so much for this:

Acute insecurity

a feeling of being "dirty", all the fucking time

self sabotage:   hating oneself, doubting every decision

excessive apologizing, even when we shouldn't

self hate

self harm

feelings of "isolation" or a sense of not belonging anywhere

doubting everyone 

not forgiving oneself

the inability to say "I love you" or even denying someone else saying that to me...

second guessing everything

overthinking

the thought process that everyone is "using" me, or "wanting something from me"

not being able to correctly express thoughts or feelings

and the list goes on and on....

For me, the biggest thing that affects me is "insecurity" and "self-loathing"...I literally hate myself, I demean myself,  I compare myself to everyone and always come to the same conclusion "they are good people, and I am not, I am too "dirty" to belong anywhere"....

I am obsessive about cleanliness of my body....even after a shower, I still feel dirty, like I can never be clean...why?

Because of the sexual abuse as a child and teenager, the sex trafficking and the filth of the men involved in violating me, drugging me, etc....I simply cannot clean that devastating filth from my body...

All this Diddy news, has been so hard for me, because it is hitting a raw and familiar nerve, bringing memories and feelings to the surface, and my heart fucking aches and grieves for his victims...this happened to me too....

It is like a tattoo on my brain "you deserved to be hurt like that, you deserve all the misery that comes your way,  you deserve to be condemned and called a liar, or whatever..."  this permeates my entire mind....

The gaslighting that comes from abuse:  "I love you, you are so special, blah blah blah" being said while I was being horribly molested and abused...I associate "love" with abuse...How sick is that?

Kevin tells me multiple times a day that he loves me.  And I know that he does, I know that he is sincere and he has never abused me in anyway, except for the times he "gaslights" me with mansplaining and shrugging off my actions as being those of my alternate personalities...this still damages me and makes me think that "I am totally out of control, and cannot be taken seriously, because I have mental health issues"  maybe this is true, maybe this is false, but it is how I perceive a lot of his comments, non comments and actions...this hurts me so deeply, so much so, I cannot even explain my own emotions...and this drives my depression events to a deeper level...

I only say "I love you" when I really feel a softness and tenderness in my heart towards someone...I am not a person that says "I love you" as a routine pat response...if I am not feeling love in my heart, I cannot say it back...it is as simple as that...its like that shit saying "thoughts and prayers", just bullshit words that don't mean a damn thing....I will not fucking lie and say "I love you" when I am not feeling it or I don't love you at all....

I have been in and out of therapy for most of my life...every time, I could not point a finger at what was really wrong with me, because I didn't even know...I only knew how I "felt" and I was so confused by it, the therapist diagnosed me over and over with wrong diagnosis's, given me drugs that I simply did not need, took my money and fucking dropped me....all my life.

It wasn't until I was able to be in a "safe" place, that all the critical suppressed memories started coming into focus, the internet sleuthing of Kevin, finding physical proof of my memories...this is both a good thing and a bad thing...because there was always hope that I could get better...now with a correct diagnosis of DID, I have some closure, but a new horrible reality I have to learn to live with and accept...

I will never get better.   The DID will never go away, they were my only "protection" against abuse all my life...they saved me from certain death...I understand the disorder, but I still "hate" it, and even more I literally hate the people who caused this...and the fact that I will never be validated as correct in my memories of abuse by them, I will never get apologies,  so in my head, there is still a leak that can never be fixed...a constant drip drip drip of emotional despair....

I cannot forgive them, if they never ask for forgiveness....the only person that is alive today, is the man that used me for sex trafficking at 16 and 17 yrs of age, he is locked up in a Mental Institution for the exact crimes he perpetrated to me...but his sentence is not a consequence of what he did to me, which makes me sad, another open leak...some days I want to drive to South Carolina where he is locked up, and confront him, I want to look him in the eyes and tell him "I know what you did, I know I was one of your very first victims and I will never forgive you, and I hope you rot and die in this mental hospital..."  I want to say that so bad, but on the other hand, I am so fearful of actually seeing him, after all these years,  will he even remember me?  Will he call me a liar?  Does he even care, will seeing him and confronting him actually hurt me and my alters even more???  This is my dilemma..."damned if I do, and damned if I don't"....

He is the only one left....his case workers know about me, Kevin has talked to them, I gave information to Kevin about this guy, and in Kevins communication with the workers overseeing this animals incarceration confirms facts that the general public never knew...I am validated in my assertations of sex trafficking and abuse by the system in place keeping him locked up.  In fact, they told Kevin, that if this monster is ever released, that they would contact him to let him know...

The acknowledgement of the institution about my abuse, is validating to me, and helps me a lot...someone other than Kevin believes my story.   But my story is still hidden...

So all of the vomit I have said on this page is why I need proper therapy, but in America, proper therapy for me is drugs and silence....nope, not going there ever again.

So this is where I am at at 62 yrs of age.  I should be retired, happy, and living my best life, and I am to a point, but emotionally I am not living my best life...I am haunted by my past, a past that will never leave my mind and heart....

S

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I don't speak ever.  My silence is protection for her, always and will be, I will never speak...

Sammy