The Act

 I don't know what is happening to me....

I think I am emotionally falling apart...

everyday, my anxiety strikes and my hands start shaking, I feel like I need to cry, I get really hot inside and then break out in hives...for no apparent reason...

I am having trouble sleeping again, I wake up all night long...I have dreams and then I can't remember them, but I am shaking and scared...of what?

I have no money for therapy, my insurance pays, I think, only 50% of the cost for therapy...I simply cannot afford to cover the other 50%....I don't have the time or patience to try and find a therapist who understands and believes in DID,,,I cannot bear the thought of trying to get back into the mental health establishment, the false diagnosis, the doubt, the ideal of having to go through the trauma all over again with new and different therapists....until I finally find the right doctor....its a horrifying ideal, and it paralyzes me with fear...

And I am pretty sure that all my alternate personalities are against therapy too...they have been there and watched the destruction of my character, my memories, and false diagnosis's and doubt from the doctors I have seen over the years...it is devastating, therapy is devastating, especially when it involves complex trauma issues...its like being abused all over again, and again and again....I simply cannot put myself through that mental anguish ever AGAIN.

So, I feel, like I am doomed to live in the prison of my own mind, and my prison guards are my alters, and they are the ones in charge....I have no hope.

I have no hope of being "normal",  I have no hope of having a sustainable healthy relationship with anyone...my track record proves that...

Every day, I feel dirtier and dirtier inside, and everyday I retreat further into my own isolated world of chaos and destruction of a life, I really can never have.

I destroy everyone and everything around me...including myself....

I try and appear happy, I lead others to believe that I am fine, happy and content with my life,  I lie and lie and lie....so my true inner emotions, thoughts and self doubt stay hidden....only on this blog I am honest...on facebook, I lie...to my family, I lie, to Kevin, I lie...I lie to myself.   I am nothing but a sham person....broken yet trying to glue myself together with crappy adhesive that peels and comes off all the fucking time..

One minute, I can feel like I am "over" it, I can feel like I am happy, content and safe...then the next minute all of that flies out the window...

You know when you are in that twilight sleep, not deep REM sleep, but merely dozing, and any noise seems magnified or more acute and your body feels it and shakes awake?  That is what happens to me when I am awake...everything is magnified and more intense than it should be...this activates my PTSD and anxiety and I then loose control of reality in a real sense....fight or flight rears its ugly head,  and most often or not, I retreat back into myself and avoid everything....I tell myself that by doing this, I am protecting others from me...when in fact, I am only being a coward and loser and pathetic...

So when you see me smile, laugh or tell jokes, remember, "its only an act so you can feel more comfortable"....

S