Tale of two husbands

 So, when I had finally had enough of being married and dependent on someone else, I left and moved far away...wanting to be independent...my own person...live the way I want to live...finally be happy...

I had never lived by myself, ever, I went from my parents house, to the college dorm, to John and marriage...I have always had to live under someone else's rules and mode of conduct.   I could never be me...

So now, 6 yrs into living by myself...I have started to realize that I am still "not independent"...I am only dependent on John for my spousal support and information about the kids and such already, I am also dependent on Kevin to help me in my day to day life...like he says "to keep me in the lane" so I don't go into the gutter (bowling example).   Kevin also helps me financially because the paltry financial support I get from John is not enough to live on....

A couple of times in the past few weeks, I have come to the realization that I am dependent on two men...I am dependent on them to "take care of me"....it is almost like I have two husbands....and I feel like I am being torn apart....

I am dependent on one to financially take care of me, and to keep me updated on my kids, and grandkids and family...

and I am dependent on another, to physically help me with issues, to help me financially when I need to pay certain bills, to talk to, to hang out with,  and to share my life with...

I do not like or even love one of my "husbands", yet I have to have him in my life...

The other "husband" I love and want to be with, but not in a marriage scenario...

This is a dilemma..  It makes me sad that I have to choose both, when I only want to choose one...and both "husbands" have to deal with the fact that each other is in my life.

I feel like a hypocrite...shouting about independence, and wanting to live on my own...I live in my own apartment, but I have a "husband" downstairs who babysits me....just like the other "husband" who babysits me with money and family...

Yesterday this hit me so hard as I was driving around....instead of feeling "lucky" to have two men taking care of me, I feel cursed.   I feel my heart is constantly being ripped in two...having to "make nice" with one husband, and actually loving another...this is a huge part of my depression and anger.

I have been handled my entire life...and when I left OKC, I thought my life of being "handled" would finally be over....but it is not.  Now I am being "handled" (for better or for worse) by two men with agendas all their own...

I am stuck.....if I divorce John (we are legally separated right now), then I lose my health insurance and I will lose my spousal support and even worse yet, I will lose any communication with him about my kids and family.

If I were to leave VA and Kevin, then I lose the greatest love of my life, the only person in the entire world that is on my side and that truly loves me.   The only man to ever have my back and defend me, no matter what.

So, where do I go from here?  Its the tale of two husbands, the good one and the bad one, both needed in my life and literally necessary for my very survival....

It is easy for me to forget about John, but when he calls, then the fact that my legal husband is calling me, makes me feel dirty, because I am in a relationship with another man...I am an adulterer in the eyes of John and the church, fuck...also my family.  So guilt and shame tries to leak into my head and I get all confused and upset....

Kevin knows this happens, and he is always there to help me "get over my tense and irritating and downright upsetting conversations with John",   This makes me feel guilty, as he is taking care of another mans wife....

I am not a whole and independent woman...being unable to work a job, I am reliant on two men to help me....I HATE THAT..  it doesn't seem to bother Kevin, but it bothers me...how can I give my whole heart and soul and life to a man I love, when I am still married to a man I loathe....???

Kevin is being cheated, just as much as John is being cheated on...

Where John tried to control me and tell me what to do, how to do it, and why and where to do it....Kevin lets me do what I want, when, where, why and how I want to do it, but he keeps me within the bumper pads....

I am financially dependent on John, 

I am emotionally dependent on Kevin..

I am a fucking walking disaster soap opera star...

I am fucked...

S