My life is going to shit...my depression is getting worse...
My dad is getting worse, John said the doctor told him that my dad probably won't make it to christmas, he now has COPD and his heart is failing even more rapidly...I am hoping that when he passes it will be in sleep...
Every time I get a text or call from John, I am expecting him to tell me that my dad has passed...we all know it is coming.
Kevin and I am not doing well...and I am sure it is all about me. We went to a car show yesterday, which was a great success for Autism Awareness, a huge turn out and the weather was perfect. Kevin and I faked being a couple...I tried numerous times to hug and embrace him, to show affection, but he shrugged it off, we barely looked like a couple. Then on the way home, I mentioned something to him, of course, he either did not hear me or he just flat ignored me...anyway, when I repeated louder what I had said, he snapped at me....so I just shut the fuck up.
We drove 45 miles in silence....then silence the rest of the night. We need to talk so badly, but he just won't talk...he is just hoping that over time things will just fade away, it is an escape for him...
Of course, I will take the blame, I am the bitch, I am the one who causes him to get angry with me...its all my fucking fault. I cannot stand when I say something and it is meant with silence...then I have to ask "did you hear me?" and he says yes, I heard you...but I got no indication that he heard me at all...is there something wrong for wanting validation that I was heard?
He would rather listen to his head set, than me....I have pleaded with him over and over, to "please acknowledge me when I say something...." this is a continuing issue, the silent treatment...
So if that is what Kevin prefers, then so be it. I can be silent too....
I realize that I am a nobody, that my comments and conversation are "stupid" and "nothing more than rambling to hear my own voice"...I realize that I nag...but that is because he doesn't acknowledge me, so I have to repeat myself so much that it comes across as nagging...I do not want to be a nagging bitch, but there it is....Kevin deserves someone else...someone that doesn't care if there is conversation or not, someone who is just around when needed...someone who doesn't want a real and true relationship...
A "friend with benefits" type of relationship, only with us, there is no benefits...not anymore, and I am sure that Kevin blames that on me too...I am always to blame...I ruin everything...I am a fucking horrible person....I hate myself.
I am so fucking alone......the only way to help our situation is for me to "admit, everything is my fault, to apologize and "get over it"...that is how it has been my entire life. I am always the one that has to apologize and be wrong....I am sure Kevin feels it is all me and I am attacking him....I am sure he feels that he has done nothing wrong...
Just telling me words "I love you" are starting to mean nothing to me...love is being able to communicate needs and desires and expectations, love is not being ignored...Maybe I just don't understand what true love is....maybe love is as it has always been, a four letter word.
Is love sadness? Is love being ignored and pacified? Is love "doing stuff"? Is love just a sweet word for friendship? If this is love, then I have love....
sadness, isolation, being pandered too, my feelings and emotional state being ignored and stuffed and placed on the back burner. Absolutely NO communication....I guess this is what love is in my life...I have to accept that....even now, Kevin is pulling away from me...I feel it...and it makes me beyond sad, it makes me not even want to live anymore...
I am useless, I have destroyed everything and everyone in my life...I am destroying Kevin, now...
Last night I developed what I thought was a full blown migraine, but I now realize it was probably Lilly, because my dreams were full of chaos and confusion and she was trying to figure out what was going on and why I feel the way I do....I think Lilly knows I am falling......
S
No comments:
Post a Comment