How much more?

 So my dad had a moderate to high risk of not surviving his surgery yesterday on his prostate...He is in heart failure now...

Well,  he made it through the surgery, but after each surgery he has had, starting with this bypass surgery about 4 yrs ago, he has gone downhill fast...he had another life threatening surgery about 2 years ago for a septic gangrenous gall bladder, that nearly killed him...he got through that, but his cognitive decline became apparent and fast...now his prostate and bladder are bad, and he has been discovered to have "Afib and heart failure....

Even though he survived this latest surgery,  how long before his body says enough is enough....

He has been suffering so bad, in his mind and body...that, really, I was "kinda" hoping that he would just slip away peacefully on the table...I know that sounds horrible, but what is horrible is the suffering and anguish and pain and relentless misery he is going through....

In his lucid moments, he has told me, "I am tired, and I just want to go home "heaven"....he flat does not want to live anymore, he has told me that over and over....

Now,  what will happen to him?  Every surgery sends him into deeper decline....why do they keep trying to keep him alive when he just wants to die?

Seeing a once "vibrant, important, strong man" become a shell of himself, is heart wrenching to those of us who love him, and also to himself as well....he knows he is going downhill fast.

John said the night before the surgery, dad slept all night, first time in weeks...he was in good spirits and calm...I wonder if he thought he would die, and was good with that, in fact, I feel like he was hoping that he simply would not wake up again on this earth, but that he would wake up in "heaven"....

I can't imagine his mind set when he woke up here on earth....

He will need around the clock care, he cannot be by himself at all, he cannot drive, he can barely urinate without struggling, he now has to wear a catheter..  He is regularly confused, disoriented and belligerent...cussing, screaming, moaning, etc...

before his heart surgery 4 years ago, he was a pastor, a security guard, for a local bank and for the "Cowboy Hall of Fame" in OKC.  He was 100% in control of his mind and body...in just 4 short years he has declined so fast that he is now just a shell of who he was...AND HE KNOWS THAT.

So yesterday, as he was having his surgery, I lit some candles and quietly "prayed" for him...my heart was divided...A-I wanted him to survive the surgery, but at the same time B-I was hoping he would quietly and painlessly pass away.   His suffering would be over and his soul would finally be at peace...

But he survived.....it almost seems cruel....but,  obviously it is not his time...whether it is his God keeping him alive (which he now does not serve or pray too or even fucking remember) or the universe is not quite ready to accept his soul....

His mind is virtually gone,  his body is decaying, his heart is failing....how much more does he have to suffer???

That is the question.....

S