down graduation

 DOWN

DOWN

DOWN

DOWN

Yesterday was graduation day at St Francis Service Dog, Org.  It was a beautiful day with a beautiful meaning...6 of the 7 dogs that graduated, were my walking dogs, have found their person and they were there working as official service dogs.

They recognized me as their "walker" but I did not pet them or talk to them, they had their vests on and they were "on duty"...it was amazing to see them with their owners,  the way they stayed by their side, I saw one of my dogs, Gus, pick up a cane his owner dropped and handed it back to him....omg....it put tears in my eyes...

These dogs are fucking amazing...dogs are amazing anyway, but service dogs are a whole different amazing...I helped with the luncheon before the service, then the reception after, as I was watching these new service dogs,  I remembered them as little puppies, pulling and straining at the leash, out of control...to...learning commands, intensive training, then graduating...this program is amazing....

But at the same time.....I felt so out of place...I didn't belong there...I felt detached and even dirty...everyone there are such good people, the employees, the other volunteers, the partners, the families with dogs, etc...I felt like an outsider...I am not a good person, I am a freak.

this is how I always feel, like I don't belong...no matter the setting, I always feel like I don't belong...

at the car show on Saturday, I was sitting around all the other jeepers and I felt like I didn't belong, not only because that is how I personally feel, but also my jeep is so different than everyone elses...I feel like they laugh about my jeep and me behind my back...I know they don't, or at least I hope they don't, its just my insecurity...I have never belonged...

In fact, at the graduation ceremony, I felt dirty...not clean enough to be around all these good decent and wonderful people.   

Kevin asked me about going to a "fiesta dinner" one of his co workers puts on every year...we went one year and I felt so out of place and self-conscious,  it was horrible...so this year I said no...but you can go...its your friends, not mine...

I feel like I am too stupid to be around all those professionals Kevin works with...I am nothing to them, to anybody...I have nothing to add to conversations, because I don't know shit about shit...I am too stupid.

I only feel needed, wanted and accepted, when I am around animals...period.

I am not human...

Kevin and I need to have a serious conversation, but yesterday, he talked all around the elephant in the room, even though he knows I need to talk...I HAVE FEELINGS AND THEY NEED TO BE ADDRESSED BUT HE REFUSES TO ADDRESS THEM...

I saw on the news where a high school student got lost in the sea, his kayak flipped over and he clung to that kayak for over 12 hours before being rescued...I feel like I have been holding on to my "kayak" for 60 yrs, and I am realizing that I will never be rescued, not really....there is no help coming for me, or even looking for me...I am floating away...hopelessly abandoned in a sea of despair....

Time and neutral conversation will not heal the wounds that are deep in my heart...Buying me things, fixing something for me, does not address the seriousness of my heart...

my heart is going down, down, down, down.....

S