dead man walking

 I got a call from John.   The last two weeks by dad has been in and out of the emergency room 6 times for complications from the surgery he had on his bladder/prostate 2 weeks ago...to fix this issue he is having, they need to do another surgery....

In the meantime,  after his 6th fucking visit to the er, they found out he had a UTI...they ran more tests and told John that my dad has VI fib, and heart failure.  So,  now, there is the issue that he could die in surgery.

The doctor told John that there was a moderate to high risk he will not make it out of surgery, and this is an outpatient surgery...his surgery is set for later today.

I talked with my dad last night,  I told him I love him...it may be the last time I ever hear his voice or tell him that I love him....

As I was talking with John, he went on and on in detail how hard it has been for him...in fact he said "I have the two worst times in my life, you leaving me and taking care of your dad".   CAN YOU BELIEVE THE FUCKING NERVE OF HIM....yes, I left him, but he pushed me away...it was all his fucking fault that I left, but he is still playing the victim...WHEN IT WAS ME WHO WAS THE VICTIM...

 He sends me these disturbing texts about my dad, he calls and tells me all the horrible things going on with him and my mother, he told me my dad may very well die today...he paints himself as the victim and the one suffering the most...then he has the nerve to ask me "So, how are you doing?"

THE FUCK????? HOW AM I DOING????

I am in Virginia running around partying and doing fun things and ignoring the crisis at Oklahoma..that is what he thinks....can you believe this shit?

He knows about my abuse, he knows I attempted suicide, he refused to help me with my mental struggles, he points the finger at Kevin for me leaving,  he says things that he fucking knows will upset me...he knows about my DID, he knows that I have been in therapy for years, he knows that I struggle emotionally and psychologically, yet he thinks "I am fucking fine..."

He blatantly disregards my distress....he toys with my emotions so that he can be the "big person"....omg, I hate him.  I hate how fucking selfish and self-centered he is, it is all about him, his job, his not getting sleep because of my dad...he is portraying himself as the victim....He is the one that offered to move dad in, he took it upon himself to be responsible for my dad...yet he is the victim...

Poor pitiful John Krupovage...where are all his prayers???  Why is his fucking god not taking care of my dad, him?   He blames me, yet he should be pointing the finger at himself and his god.

I thought long and hard last night about my dad, my step dad.  If he dies today, I will not go to the funeral.   I did not go to Gageys funeral, because I do not want to remember Gage dead in a casket, my last memories of Gage are telling him I love him, of him smiling and telling me he loves me...I want the last thing I remember about my step dad is telling him I love him, and him telling me the same back.

Funerals are not for the dead...they are fucking dead...funerals are for the family to grieve, well I can grieve here, I don't need to be around a family that hates Kevin,  basically disdains me, and I certainly don't want to hear all the bullshit about how my dad is in a better place now and it was gods will for him to go....HORSESHIT

If I go, by my simply being there, there will be drama and all that shit...the funeral and honoring my dad would be overshadowed by me and Kevin....fuck that shit.

Also, when my birth father died,  neither my sister or brother went to his funeral to support me...so why the fuck should I go to a funeral to support them in their loss????  This is their dad, not mine.  The only dad they have ever known and loved...

Going to my daddies funeral, was so terrifically hard for me, it started the downward spiral that eventually ended up with me in a hospital for suicidal tendencies...when my dad died, my only support and unconditional love from anyone died with him...it was the beginning of the end for me...and my sister and brother did not give a shit....nobody did.  The last image I have of my dad in my head, his him laying in a casket...dead, dead and gone from me forever....that was the last funeral I have ever attended, and that was in 2007.

So, I do not know what today will bring...maybe my dad will pull through this surgery, but he will still need around the clock medical care, and he is still in heart failure, so no matter, it is just a matter of time before his heart gives out completely...he is literally a dead man walking....

fuck,  fuck fuck.

S