boxed

 As a person that struggles with Mental illnesses, such as depression, anxiety, fear, DID, etc...I am having a very difficult time with what is going on in the world, and my life...

Hurricane Helene and its massive destruction, wild fires, climate change disasters

All the wildlife destroyed, their habitats destroyed, the critter killed, displaced and hurt because of man made issues..ie..climate warming...

The war in the middle east

religious divide,  

race wars, immigration

the dock workers strike

the political divide of our nation

the increased violence all around the US

Diddy and his crap, that includes minors

customer service is now horrible in almost all areas that consumers see

issues with my "entitled" neighbor

separation from family and friends

Not to mention all my immediate family issues, ie..my daughter ignoring my confessions, my dads rapidly declining health and the potential return to OKC

Even my personal relationships are suffering...especially with Kevin

I can't talk to him, , he tries to mansplain stuff to me as if I am a fucking idiot...maybe I am...

It is exactly when I try to talk with my kids, they turn all my conversations to themselves and dismisses me entirely....That is how I feel dismissed by EVERYONE

I feel insignificant, I feel I am being babysat by those who "supposedly love me"...

When I withdraw and become quiet, that means something is really wrong in my head, and its about me....but Kevin thinks its all about him, I must be upset with him, he refuses to believe other circumstances can upset me and cause me to withdraw...again, its all about him.  He says he "knows me", but he really doesn't....he always assumes its about him.

Every conversation we have is about him,  so I just sit and listen...we have talked about this over and over and over...when I want to speak about something, or share memories or whatever, his response to me is about him, his life, his kids, his experiences...

This happens all the time.....if I have a concern or issue, if it sounds silly to Kevin, he mansplains shit to me and gets irritated and treats me like I am a child, and I don't know shit.   Then when I call him out on it, he just sits and stares at me, with those mean eyes...and I just clam up inside.....this is how my warped mind thinks....

He also says things he is gonna do about a situation, then he doesn't do it.  He says he will pay his bills tonight, but he does not...when remind him he says, he is doing it tonight, but tonight does not come...we are being jerked around by the medical establishment and he gets angry says he is going to call someone and do something about it, but then he never does...it just sits and rots.  He has done a shit lot of work to his apartment, things the landlord would have to pay someone to do, but kevin does it and says he will take it out of his rent...but he does not.   He does his landlords job, and still pays his regular rent....for all his bravado, behind closed doors, he lets everything slide....he is allowing himself to be used so our landlord can laugh all the way to the fucking bank.  If I ask him about  deducting labor charges from his rent, he says he is going to do that, but he does not.  He loses all the receipts, he forgets or whatever....and this FUCKING INFURIATES ME, obviously more than it does him, he is perfectly content to let it slide.....for all his bravado for standing up for himself, he really does not.  Another issue is his job, they are docking him pay because he gets more hourly wage working weekends, now the VA wants back the over wage.....at first Kevin was determined to get that fixed, talk to the union, talk to advocates,  he was all bluster and determination, now he is just like "oh well, I am not black, so the union won't help me,  no one returns my calls, so I guess I will allow myself to be used by the VA.  He is bark with no bite.   He continuously lets them take advantage of him.  He fixes things at the VA with his own money,  he does everyone elses job,  he really doesn't care that he is being used and taken advantage of.  I told him, if they are not going to pay you extra to work weekends, then go back to monday through friday....but he won't do that..and when I call him on it, the "mansplaining" starts, the back tracking of his initial feelings or words and excuses to continue weekend work, so other employees can have the weekend off...they get paid a paycheck of a certain amount to work monday thru friday.  In the government if you work holidays and weekends, you get a higher hourly wage for those weekend work, you get over time for holidays...but now, Kevin seems perfectly content to work weekends and not get paid weekend salaries....and this is not acceptable.  I would rather him have weekends off, than two days during the week...but I understood he needed more money for his child support, so I accepted that weekends are not weekends for us...but now,  that he will not be making a higher hourly weekend wage, why the fuck would he continue to work weekends?????? I will tell you why...he loves being superior to others, he loves fixing things, running to the rescue of inept employees, because it makes him look good.

I don't know how much more I can take....with the entire world going to shit, my family life going to shit, my relationship with Kevin going to shit...all I want to do is isolate myself....Kevin is the only friend I have here, even after 6 years he is my only friend I can really talk too, but he only half listens, only hears so much, then his mind starts trying to fix whatever I am talking about, so he only half hears me......I am so tired of repeating myself to him,  asking him to do this or that, reminding him of things HE NEEDS TO DO, that he does not do, he puts it off, or gets all into his cell phone games or Youtube and does not do what needs to be done in his own life and finances

I realize that he is very dominate, very smart, and very important and I also know he does not like a woman reminding him of shit...I cannot be with a man like that....it has to be a partnership and we do not have one.  I should not have to fucking nag him to pay his utility bills, or remind him of things he needs to do....

Some days and weeks we seem strong, other times, we are so weak, there is nothing there....

Our whole life together has changed....nothing is the same.....and probably that is on me.

EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT....its all in my head....I feel certain, that I am to blame for our relationship going to shit....Part of me trying to erase my DID, is for Kevin to realize I am an adult.

The only time we have a conversation that stays of the topic of me, is when we talk about my DID.  Then he uses his knowledge to have communication with.   That is the only fucking topic that we can talk about that is all about me.....BUT I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE DID PERSON.  I am more than a DID monster,  I am so much more, but I feel stuffed in a box.

Because the abuse I sustained as a child so destroyed my brain,  Kevin has to babysit me.  I am nothing but a retard.   It makes me so fucking angry when he wants to try and speak with an alter if he feels its them influencing me....that is like him saying to an errant child "I need to speak to your parents"...that is how I feel....

and it immediately shuts me down.....that old adage, "Ignorance is Bliss", is certainly the truth.  When I did not know I had DID, I was so much happier inside...even when my marriage was falling apart, I was still ignorant of most of the more intense abuse,  and what that abuse did to my head....Now that I know I have a split personality, I feel so much more like a goddamn fucking freak.  Kevin can never trust me, Sparrow, because it may be someone else in my head...this puts him in an awkward position, where is has to second guess my words, my actions, whatever....because frankly,  I am literally insane.

This is not fair to him, this is not fair to anybody around me, family, so called friends, it is not fair to even try and have friendships...I am just simply to sick in my head to be anything but a pathetic mentally ill retard.

Mental Illness, especially acute anxiety and PTSD is intensified by not only familial issues, but also all the issues I mentioned above.  The details about Diddy, the sex trafficking, the sexual and physical abuse of minors,  have brought my own experience roaring back to the front of my mind....and "knowing" how this works, "knowing" the after effects that these minors and children have to now live with for the rest of their lives, has hurt me so deeply, I cannot put it in its place....Coupled with the divided nation over Trump and his lies, the MAGA movement, the wars, the climate change causing catastrophic destruction to family and communities,  and the list goes on and on...all these really affect people.  Especially those who have been hurt and destroyed then dismissed as "lying" or "making things up"...there is no accountability for abusers, no accountability to our Political leaders...all these school shootings and other shootings, the media and leaders all say "they are mentally unstable"...well WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MAKE THEM THAT WAY???? they say Mental Health needs more attention, but it is just lip service....we are all shoved into a box and labeled "crazy"...

The Mental Health establishment is a fucking sham....to try and get help,  is expensive, hard to get help, real help, without being "boxed"...then your medical records show you are sick in the head....and this is also demeaning and embarrassing...no wonder people are "tired" and "weary"....we are "stigmatized" as not actual adults, mature, responsible and an asset to the world...we are nothing more than a "throw away people".... 

Instead of the government being held responsible for their actions, the blame is placed on "mental health"....instead of families being held responsible, the blame is placed on "mental health",  The only person held responsible for their actions is the "mentally ill" person themselves...and yes, there is some truth to that, but at the same time,  accountability should be across the board.  

Our country is failing its people.  Our mental health professionals are failing to help, our families are failing to help, its a ME ME ME generation, and fuck everybody else.  

And that is me....that is countless other victims...we are to blame, the finger is always pointed straight at us...we are the scape goats for the elitist...

we have no voice, not as a child, not as a teenager, not as a young adult, and not as senior.  

This is evident in my own life.   I have no voice,  and when I do try to voice something, I am shut down immediately.

Boxed into a tight coffin and buried 6 feet under....to make room for the "monsters" of the world...people with mental health issues are not the monsters...the monsters are the people and establishment that made them.  They laugh and spit in our faces and deem themselves superior.

Fuck that, fuck everything....We are not allowed to speak our truth, we are not allowed to lose our tempers, and voice what is going on inside, we are not allowed to stand up for ourselves, why? Oh, they are just mentally sick, it is their sickness reacting or speaking...so we are brushed off...

Even though in our society today, lying is part of the political process, part of religion, part of jobs, fleecing the people, fleecing them of their rights, their money,  killing in the name of religion or perceived righteousness is accepted in people who have not had a "mental health crisis"...but those of us that do the exact things "normal" people do, we are looked down on, and boxed....while the "normal" liars, cheaters, killers laugh all over us...AND WHO IS MENTALLY SICK???

So tired, so tired, so goddamn tired...I hate America.  I wished I did not live here, if I could I would leave in a heartbeat...but I am trapped, like every other decent American...trapped in the hell hole of the USA.

Sparrow