darkness outside my window,
only darkness inside my window
I hear the birds
only singing in one way
they have found the day
only the darkness outside
covers the tides I ride
the darkness inside
only hides the death of pride
birds fly and glide
only my soul has already died...
darkness outside my window
darkness inside my window
only sadness, is my empty pillow.
Sammy
This election can't come soon enough.....I am utterly amazed at the division Trump has caused with our fellow Americans and our own families...
I broke with my Republican family. I had enough of the religious dogma and racism that was rampant in my family...
Even my own daddy, whom I loved very very much, was a Texas racist, as was my step brothers and step mom. For example:
My daddy was invited to a wedding of one of his nieces...she was marrying a black man. My dad refused to go to the wedding, because a black man was entering the "family"....
My dad used the N word so much, that I flat out told him "you will not use that word in front of my children, if you do, you will never see them again"....as far as I know, he honored my request...
One of my step brothers was so racist against Mexicans, he regularly disparaged them and called them horrible names....
My own mother said flat out "If you are a democrat, you are not and cannot be a christian"....
This was the world of ignorant republicans I lived in.....the people in my family could show great love and affection for family members while at the same time, disparage, mock and criticize other family dynamics that were not "white protestant republican Americans"....
I flat could not live in this environment any longer...this christian white republican family, abused, brainwashed and gaslit me at every turn....nothing about them was "christian".....just like not a damn thing about trump is christian....
My extended family really believes that only white people are true Americans and patriots...and by the way, almost all of them are either in Texas or Oklahoma...the two red's states in the union...AND THEY ARE ALL RICH, MONEY HUNGRY AND PROUD TO BOAST OF THEIR MONEY.
So all of that to say, I have effectively been disinherited from the family...I am the black sheep, only because I finally stood up for the fucking TRUTH and no longer would entertain their dogma.
Here is their view of me leaving the family, my husband and the state of Oklahoma.
"oh, she has brain tumors and that is affecting her ability to be a responsible person", "she has mental issues", "she is a satanic witch", "she is confused, she is angry, she is wrong" "she is a hypocrite by leaving the baptist church" "she is possessed by the devil", blah blah blah
And the worst lie "she doesn't care about her family, she is selfish and only cares about herself"....
So, because of the bigoted racism fucking shit that is my "family", I can never go home....I FUCKING HATE TRUMP, I HATE MAGA, I HATE THE SOUTHERN BAPTIST RELIGION..AND I HATE THE FACT THAT MY FAMILY ARE SO BRAINWASHED AND MANIPULATED TO BELIEVE A TRUMP PRESIDENCY IS WHAT AMERICA NEEDS...
Remember, Trump panders to the rich white protestant republicans...and that, sadly to say, is my family...
I can never go home.....
S
Even if you do not agree with the democratic party and their nomination for President, she is still far and above a better choice than Trump.
His NYC rally left me sick at my stomach...the opening act called the territory of Puerto Rico and island of floating trash...
Another fucking weird Christian Nationalist held a huge crucifix and declared Hilary Clinton and Kamala, the "anti-christs"...
Disgraced former mayor and lawyer, Rudy Giuliani was drunk and could not even get his words right..
Then some fuck wrestler got up and was so foul mouthed and disgusting...
Outside the arena a man dressed up as the North Korean Dictator and was quoted by a reporter saying "I accept Donald Trump as the Supreme Leader of America:...the fuck?
All the talk about being "christian" and wanting a Christian leader and loving the christians, this whole rally was a slap in the fucking face of decent christian people in America...
DO THEY SEE THIS? DO THEY SEE THE HYPOCRASY OF MAGA???
donald Trump has made a mockery of this nation...I think that was his intention all along, he is a failure as a business man, a failure as a husband and father, and he was a failure as president...he has nothing else, so he is using "racist provocative language to incite the far radical right"...that is all he has left to "stroke his massive ego"...everyone else has left him....HE IS A DESPARATE MAN, HE KNOWS IF HE LOSES THIS ELECTION HE GOES TO JAIL!
If Trump wins, then the USA will indeed become the "garabage nation" that Trump already calls it....
FUCK
S
So, when I had finally had enough of being married and dependent on someone else, I left and moved far away...wanting to be independent...my own person...live the way I want to live...finally be happy...
I had never lived by myself, ever, I went from my parents house, to the college dorm, to John and marriage...I have always had to live under someone else's rules and mode of conduct. I could never be me...
So now, 6 yrs into living by myself...I have started to realize that I am still "not independent"...I am only dependent on John for my spousal support and information about the kids and such already, I am also dependent on Kevin to help me in my day to day life...like he says "to keep me in the lane" so I don't go into the gutter (bowling example). Kevin also helps me financially because the paltry financial support I get from John is not enough to live on....
A couple of times in the past few weeks, I have come to the realization that I am dependent on two men...I am dependent on them to "take care of me"....it is almost like I have two husbands....and I feel like I am being torn apart....
I am dependent on one to financially take care of me, and to keep me updated on my kids, and grandkids and family...
and I am dependent on another, to physically help me with issues, to help me financially when I need to pay certain bills, to talk to, to hang out with, and to share my life with...
I do not like or even love one of my "husbands", yet I have to have him in my life...
The other "husband" I love and want to be with, but not in a marriage scenario...
This is a dilemma.. It makes me sad that I have to choose both, when I only want to choose one...and both "husbands" have to deal with the fact that each other is in my life.
I feel like a hypocrite...shouting about independence, and wanting to live on my own...I live in my own apartment, but I have a "husband" downstairs who babysits me....just like the other "husband" who babysits me with money and family...
Yesterday this hit me so hard as I was driving around....instead of feeling "lucky" to have two men taking care of me, I feel cursed. I feel my heart is constantly being ripped in two...having to "make nice" with one husband, and actually loving another...this is a huge part of my depression and anger.
I have been handled my entire life...and when I left OKC, I thought my life of being "handled" would finally be over....but it is not. Now I am being "handled" (for better or for worse) by two men with agendas all their own...
I am stuck.....if I divorce John (we are legally separated right now), then I lose my health insurance and I will lose my spousal support and even worse yet, I will lose any communication with him about my kids and family.
If I were to leave VA and Kevin, then I lose the greatest love of my life, the only person in the entire world that is on my side and that truly loves me. The only man to ever have my back and defend me, no matter what.
So, where do I go from here? Its the tale of two husbands, the good one and the bad one, both needed in my life and literally necessary for my very survival....
It is easy for me to forget about John, but when he calls, then the fact that my legal husband is calling me, makes me feel dirty, because I am in a relationship with another man...I am an adulterer in the eyes of John and the church, fuck...also my family. So guilt and shame tries to leak into my head and I get all confused and upset....
Kevin knows this happens, and he is always there to help me "get over my tense and irritating and downright upsetting conversations with John", This makes me feel guilty, as he is taking care of another mans wife....
I am not a whole and independent woman...being unable to work a job, I am reliant on two men to help me....I HATE THAT.. it doesn't seem to bother Kevin, but it bothers me...how can I give my whole heart and soul and life to a man I love, when I am still married to a man I loathe....???
Kevin is being cheated, just as much as John is being cheated on...
Where John tried to control me and tell me what to do, how to do it, and why and where to do it....Kevin lets me do what I want, when, where, why and how I want to do it, but he keeps me within the bumper pads....
I am financially dependent on John,
I am emotionally dependent on Kevin..
I am a fucking walking disaster soap opera star...
I am fucked...
S
So, last night I had a dream that I was crying and sobbing...I woke up, to find that I was indeed crying...
I do not remember the dream as to why I was so upset...
I got out of bed to wash my face and shake off the crying, and nearly stepped on Boomer...he had come out of his crate and was laying by my bed...he heard me crying...
So anyway, not sure what to think about this....
S
I don't know what is happening to me....
I think I am emotionally falling apart...
everyday, my anxiety strikes and my hands start shaking, I feel like I need to cry, I get really hot inside and then break out in hives...for no apparent reason...
I am having trouble sleeping again, I wake up all night long...I have dreams and then I can't remember them, but I am shaking and scared...of what?
I have no money for therapy, my insurance pays, I think, only 50% of the cost for therapy...I simply cannot afford to cover the other 50%....I don't have the time or patience to try and find a therapist who understands and believes in DID,,,I cannot bear the thought of trying to get back into the mental health establishment, the false diagnosis, the doubt, the ideal of having to go through the trauma all over again with new and different therapists....until I finally find the right doctor....its a horrifying ideal, and it paralyzes me with fear...
And I am pretty sure that all my alternate personalities are against therapy too...they have been there and watched the destruction of my character, my memories, and false diagnosis's and doubt from the doctors I have seen over the years...it is devastating, therapy is devastating, especially when it involves complex trauma issues...its like being abused all over again, and again and again....I simply cannot put myself through that mental anguish ever AGAIN.
So, I feel, like I am doomed to live in the prison of my own mind, and my prison guards are my alters, and they are the ones in charge....I have no hope.
I have no hope of being "normal", I have no hope of having a sustainable healthy relationship with anyone...my track record proves that...
Every day, I feel dirtier and dirtier inside, and everyday I retreat further into my own isolated world of chaos and destruction of a life, I really can never have.
I destroy everyone and everything around me...including myself....
I try and appear happy, I lead others to believe that I am fine, happy and content with my life, I lie and lie and lie....so my true inner emotions, thoughts and self doubt stay hidden....only on this blog I am honest...on facebook, I lie...to my family, I lie, to Kevin, I lie...I lie to myself. I am nothing but a sham person....broken yet trying to glue myself together with crappy adhesive that peels and comes off all the fucking time..
One minute, I can feel like I am "over" it, I can feel like I am happy, content and safe...then the next minute all of that flies out the window...
You know when you are in that twilight sleep, not deep REM sleep, but merely dozing, and any noise seems magnified or more acute and your body feels it and shakes awake? That is what happens to me when I am awake...everything is magnified and more intense than it should be...this activates my PTSD and anxiety and I then loose control of reality in a real sense....fight or flight rears its ugly head, and most often or not, I retreat back into myself and avoid everything....I tell myself that by doing this, I am protecting others from me...when in fact, I am only being a coward and loser and pathetic...
So when you see me smile, laugh or tell jokes, remember, "its only an act so you can feel more comfortable"....
S
I know that I need therapy...I have so many "negative" feelings about myself, because of the abuse (of all types) I have sustained over my lifetime, starting as a small child under 3...
These are the byproducts of extensive abuse, whether sexual, physical, emotional, psychological, or even gaslighting...all of these done to anyone for years and years, damages a person's opinion of themselves.
I suffer so much for this:
Acute insecurity
a feeling of being "dirty", all the fucking time
self sabotage: hating oneself, doubting every decision
excessive apologizing, even when we shouldn't
self hate
self harm
feelings of "isolation" or a sense of not belonging anywhere
doubting everyone
not forgiving oneself
the inability to say "I love you" or even denying someone else saying that to me...
second guessing everything
overthinking
the thought process that everyone is "using" me, or "wanting something from me"
not being able to correctly express thoughts or feelings
and the list goes on and on....
For me, the biggest thing that affects me is "insecurity" and "self-loathing"...I literally hate myself, I demean myself, I compare myself to everyone and always come to the same conclusion "they are good people, and I am not, I am too "dirty" to belong anywhere"....
I am obsessive about cleanliness of my body....even after a shower, I still feel dirty, like I can never be clean...why?
Because of the sexual abuse as a child and teenager, the sex trafficking and the filth of the men involved in violating me, drugging me, etc....I simply cannot clean that devastating filth from my body...
All this Diddy news, has been so hard for me, because it is hitting a raw and familiar nerve, bringing memories and feelings to the surface, and my heart fucking aches and grieves for his victims...this happened to me too....
It is like a tattoo on my brain "you deserved to be hurt like that, you deserve all the misery that comes your way, you deserve to be condemned and called a liar, or whatever..." this permeates my entire mind....
The gaslighting that comes from abuse: "I love you, you are so special, blah blah blah" being said while I was being horribly molested and abused...I associate "love" with abuse...How sick is that?
Kevin tells me multiple times a day that he loves me. And I know that he does, I know that he is sincere and he has never abused me in anyway, except for the times he "gaslights" me with mansplaining and shrugging off my actions as being those of my alternate personalities...this still damages me and makes me think that "I am totally out of control, and cannot be taken seriously, because I have mental health issues" maybe this is true, maybe this is false, but it is how I perceive a lot of his comments, non comments and actions...this hurts me so deeply, so much so, I cannot even explain my own emotions...and this drives my depression events to a deeper level...
I only say "I love you" when I really feel a softness and tenderness in my heart towards someone...I am not a person that says "I love you" as a routine pat response...if I am not feeling love in my heart, I cannot say it back...it is as simple as that...its like that shit saying "thoughts and prayers", just bullshit words that don't mean a damn thing....I will not fucking lie and say "I love you" when I am not feeling it or I don't love you at all....
I have been in and out of therapy for most of my life...every time, I could not point a finger at what was really wrong with me, because I didn't even know...I only knew how I "felt" and I was so confused by it, the therapist diagnosed me over and over with wrong diagnosis's, given me drugs that I simply did not need, took my money and fucking dropped me....all my life.
It wasn't until I was able to be in a "safe" place, that all the critical suppressed memories started coming into focus, the internet sleuthing of Kevin, finding physical proof of my memories...this is both a good thing and a bad thing...because there was always hope that I could get better...now with a correct diagnosis of DID, I have some closure, but a new horrible reality I have to learn to live with and accept...
I will never get better. The DID will never go away, they were my only "protection" against abuse all my life...they saved me from certain death...I understand the disorder, but I still "hate" it, and even more I literally hate the people who caused this...and the fact that I will never be validated as correct in my memories of abuse by them, I will never get apologies, so in my head, there is still a leak that can never be fixed...a constant drip drip drip of emotional despair....
I cannot forgive them, if they never ask for forgiveness....the only person that is alive today, is the man that used me for sex trafficking at 16 and 17 yrs of age, he is locked up in a Mental Institution for the exact crimes he perpetrated to me...but his sentence is not a consequence of what he did to me, which makes me sad, another open leak...some days I want to drive to South Carolina where he is locked up, and confront him, I want to look him in the eyes and tell him "I know what you did, I know I was one of your very first victims and I will never forgive you, and I hope you rot and die in this mental hospital..." I want to say that so bad, but on the other hand, I am so fearful of actually seeing him, after all these years, will he even remember me? Will he call me a liar? Does he even care, will seeing him and confronting him actually hurt me and my alters even more??? This is my dilemma..."damned if I do, and damned if I don't"....
He is the only one left....his case workers know about me, Kevin has talked to them, I gave information to Kevin about this guy, and in Kevins communication with the workers overseeing this animals incarceration confirms facts that the general public never knew...I am validated in my assertations of sex trafficking and abuse by the system in place keeping him locked up. In fact, they told Kevin, that if this monster is ever released, that they would contact him to let him know...
The acknowledgement of the institution about my abuse, is validating to me, and helps me a lot...someone other than Kevin believes my story. But my story is still hidden...
So all of the vomit I have said on this page is why I need proper therapy, but in America, proper therapy for me is drugs and silence....nope, not going there ever again.
So this is where I am at at 62 yrs of age. I should be retired, happy, and living my best life, and I am to a point, but emotionally I am not living my best life...I am haunted by my past, a past that will never leave my mind and heart....
S
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't speak ever. My silence is protection for her, always and will be, I will never speak...
Sammy
DOWN
DOWN
DOWN
DOWN
Yesterday was graduation day at St Francis Service Dog, Org. It was a beautiful day with a beautiful meaning...6 of the 7 dogs that graduated, were my walking dogs, have found their person and they were there working as official service dogs.
They recognized me as their "walker" but I did not pet them or talk to them, they had their vests on and they were "on duty"...it was amazing to see them with their owners, the way they stayed by their side, I saw one of my dogs, Gus, pick up a cane his owner dropped and handed it back to him....omg....it put tears in my eyes...
These dogs are fucking amazing...dogs are amazing anyway, but service dogs are a whole different amazing...I helped with the luncheon before the service, then the reception after, as I was watching these new service dogs, I remembered them as little puppies, pulling and straining at the leash, out of control...to...learning commands, intensive training, then graduating...this program is amazing....
But at the same time.....I felt so out of place...I didn't belong there...I felt detached and even dirty...everyone there are such good people, the employees, the other volunteers, the partners, the families with dogs, etc...I felt like an outsider...I am not a good person, I am a freak.
this is how I always feel, like I don't belong...no matter the setting, I always feel like I don't belong...
at the car show on Saturday, I was sitting around all the other jeepers and I felt like I didn't belong, not only because that is how I personally feel, but also my jeep is so different than everyone elses...I feel like they laugh about my jeep and me behind my back...I know they don't, or at least I hope they don't, its just my insecurity...I have never belonged...
In fact, at the graduation ceremony, I felt dirty...not clean enough to be around all these good decent and wonderful people.
Kevin asked me about going to a "fiesta dinner" one of his co workers puts on every year...we went one year and I felt so out of place and self-conscious, it was horrible...so this year I said no...but you can go...its your friends, not mine...
I feel like I am too stupid to be around all those professionals Kevin works with...I am nothing to them, to anybody...I have nothing to add to conversations, because I don't know shit about shit...I am too stupid.
I only feel needed, wanted and accepted, when I am around animals...period.
I am not human...
Kevin and I need to have a serious conversation, but yesterday, he talked all around the elephant in the room, even though he knows I need to talk...I HAVE FEELINGS AND THEY NEED TO BE ADDRESSED BUT HE REFUSES TO ADDRESS THEM...
I saw on the news where a high school student got lost in the sea, his kayak flipped over and he clung to that kayak for over 12 hours before being rescued...I feel like I have been holding on to my "kayak" for 60 yrs, and I am realizing that I will never be rescued, not really....there is no help coming for me, or even looking for me...I am floating away...hopelessly abandoned in a sea of despair....
Time and neutral conversation will not heal the wounds that are deep in my heart...Buying me things, fixing something for me, does not address the seriousness of my heart...
my heart is going down, down, down, down.....
S
My life is going to shit...my depression is getting worse...
My dad is getting worse, John said the doctor told him that my dad probably won't make it to christmas, he now has COPD and his heart is failing even more rapidly...I am hoping that when he passes it will be in sleep...
Every time I get a text or call from John, I am expecting him to tell me that my dad has passed...we all know it is coming.
Kevin and I am not doing well...and I am sure it is all about me. We went to a car show yesterday, which was a great success for Autism Awareness, a huge turn out and the weather was perfect. Kevin and I faked being a couple...I tried numerous times to hug and embrace him, to show affection, but he shrugged it off, we barely looked like a couple. Then on the way home, I mentioned something to him, of course, he either did not hear me or he just flat ignored me...anyway, when I repeated louder what I had said, he snapped at me....so I just shut the fuck up.
We drove 45 miles in silence....then silence the rest of the night. We need to talk so badly, but he just won't talk...he is just hoping that over time things will just fade away, it is an escape for him...
Of course, I will take the blame, I am the bitch, I am the one who causes him to get angry with me...its all my fucking fault. I cannot stand when I say something and it is meant with silence...then I have to ask "did you hear me?" and he says yes, I heard you...but I got no indication that he heard me at all...is there something wrong for wanting validation that I was heard?
He would rather listen to his head set, than me....I have pleaded with him over and over, to "please acknowledge me when I say something...." this is a continuing issue, the silent treatment...
So if that is what Kevin prefers, then so be it. I can be silent too....
I realize that I am a nobody, that my comments and conversation are "stupid" and "nothing more than rambling to hear my own voice"...I realize that I nag...but that is because he doesn't acknowledge me, so I have to repeat myself so much that it comes across as nagging...I do not want to be a nagging bitch, but there it is....Kevin deserves someone else...someone that doesn't care if there is conversation or not, someone who is just around when needed...someone who doesn't want a real and true relationship...
A "friend with benefits" type of relationship, only with us, there is no benefits...not anymore, and I am sure that Kevin blames that on me too...I am always to blame...I ruin everything...I am a fucking horrible person....I hate myself.
I am so fucking alone......the only way to help our situation is for me to "admit, everything is my fault, to apologize and "get over it"...that is how it has been my entire life. I am always the one that has to apologize and be wrong....I am sure Kevin feels it is all me and I am attacking him....I am sure he feels that he has done nothing wrong...
Just telling me words "I love you" are starting to mean nothing to me...love is being able to communicate needs and desires and expectations, love is not being ignored...Maybe I just don't understand what true love is....maybe love is as it has always been, a four letter word.
Is love sadness? Is love being ignored and pacified? Is love "doing stuff"? Is love just a sweet word for friendship? If this is love, then I have love....
sadness, isolation, being pandered too, my feelings and emotional state being ignored and stuffed and placed on the back burner. Absolutely NO communication....I guess this is what love is in my life...I have to accept that....even now, Kevin is pulling away from me...I feel it...and it makes me beyond sad, it makes me not even want to live anymore...
I am useless, I have destroyed everything and everyone in my life...I am destroying Kevin, now...
Last night I developed what I thought was a full blown migraine, but I now realize it was probably Lilly, because my dreams were full of chaos and confusion and she was trying to figure out what was going on and why I feel the way I do....I think Lilly knows I am falling......
S
As every who reads my blogs knows, I am pagan and anti-organized religion...especially the Southern Baptist bullshit.
But, I have constantly defended certain Christians I felt were actually following Jesus and are actually good people, smart and all of that....
I use to think that my X husband, was one of those christians. He is very religious and has for years spent mornings in prayer, fasted, and studied the bible. He has been a very good man as a father, employee and friend...
He has even said on more than one occasion "I do everything I can not to "sin", and he does, he tries to walk the line with Jesus...
So, we were talking on the phone about voting and I told him I was voting blue...he is not. He is voting for Trump...
Trump: a 34 time federally convicted felon for cheating and hiding hush money to pay off a porn star.
He has openly said he could "grab womens pussies" and get away with it...
He was charged with sexual assault to a woman and had to pay her like 94 million dollars in
damages, and again charged with defamation of the same lady..
He incited a riot on Jan 6-2020, a violent mob, and said it was all about "love"...
He tells lies all the time, lies that are fact checked at every corner as out and out lies.
Trump is the worse man in history, the worst sinner ever...and my holier than thou husband is voting for him....talk about hypocrisy....This highly religious man, christian man, voting for a man that spits in the bibles face, spits in christians faces...
I no longer think that John is a good man, a christian man...he is just as much of a hypocrite as Trump is, and I fear all the other "christians" I have been defending are also nothing but secret hypocrites as well....\
No person of God, no one who truly follows the teachings of Jesus and the Bible, would endorse and vote for the devil...that is what Trump is...the devil.
So, I now have lost all faith in "good" people who preach Jesus...they are not christians, they are manipulators and sinners in the same category as Donald trump.
Would Jesus vote for Trump? Would Jesus vote for a man who consistently breaks all the commandments and thinks that He is God?? I think not, but, again, Jesus was nothing but a man, a good man, the same good as I really thought my husband was....what a fucking joke.
Christianity, especially the Southern Baptist faith, is nothing but a lie and people are falling for it all the time....
I now have zero respect for my X. ZERO...he has shown his real self, who he really is and that is a christian hypocrite, right up there with Trump himself...
S
I really do not have any close friendships except with two people...and those two people mean so fucking much to me...when they are hurting, I hurt...
One of my friends, lost her brother suddenly this past week, then last night her precious dog died in his sleep...
I know the heart wrenching feeling of losing a pet, I have had to put many dogs down and have also had dogs pass away in their sleep...either way, it is a gut punch. It is a loss, no matter the circumstance...and coupled with her losing her brother...her heart must be so fucking broken right now...
I wish I could be closer to her, to help her, support her and encourage her...but I am stuck literally over a 1000 miles away....what good is a friendship when our hands are tied because of distance??
Is texting and talking on phone and instant messenger, enough? I feel so much like a failure as a friend, I know that is not a real thing, but I still feel it...I am the kind of person that needs to help others in a tangible way...not any of those fucking stupid pat answers "thoughts and prayers"....I want to clean her house, do anything to help her get through her day as she wrestles with the weight of her loss...
but my hands are tied.....I want to untie them and wrap them around her and cry with her, I want to just be her loving friend, supportive and physically present...and I can't....I feel helpless to do anything...
Just like with the hurricanes, and all that...that feeling of helplessness is overwhelming, and things just keep piling up....its one thing when things tragic happen to people and places that I don't know and have never been too....its another thing, when tragedy happens to someone I love....
The empath in me, feels their pain, deep in my heart and gut...I want to take all her hurt and pain away...or at least "stand in the gap" for her and absorb some of her sadness and despair...
I know that she is so tired, so emotionally drained, so goddamn sad and I KNOW THAT FEELING, I KNOW IT WELL AND INTIMATELY .and I hate for anyone to feel this, let alone someone that I care deeply for..
She will always be in my thoughts, but I will search for more that I can do for her, and her family.
I do know that her dog, will be with all my dogs that have "crossed over the rainbow bridge" and they will be free and healthy and running and playing...but it still hurts and it always will.....
S
So my dad had a moderate to high risk of not surviving his surgery yesterday on his prostate...He is in heart failure now...
Well, he made it through the surgery, but after each surgery he has had, starting with this bypass surgery about 4 yrs ago, he has gone downhill fast...he had another life threatening surgery about 2 years ago for a septic gangrenous gall bladder, that nearly killed him...he got through that, but his cognitive decline became apparent and fast...now his prostate and bladder are bad, and he has been discovered to have "Afib and heart failure....
Even though he survived this latest surgery, how long before his body says enough is enough....
He has been suffering so bad, in his mind and body...that, really, I was "kinda" hoping that he would just slip away peacefully on the table...I know that sounds horrible, but what is horrible is the suffering and anguish and pain and relentless misery he is going through....
In his lucid moments, he has told me, "I am tired, and I just want to go home "heaven"....he flat does not want to live anymore, he has told me that over and over....
Now, what will happen to him? Every surgery sends him into deeper decline....why do they keep trying to keep him alive when he just wants to die?
Seeing a once "vibrant, important, strong man" become a shell of himself, is heart wrenching to those of us who love him, and also to himself as well....he knows he is going downhill fast.
John said the night before the surgery, dad slept all night, first time in weeks...he was in good spirits and calm...I wonder if he thought he would die, and was good with that, in fact, I feel like he was hoping that he simply would not wake up again on this earth, but that he would wake up in "heaven"....
I can't imagine his mind set when he woke up here on earth....
He will need around the clock care, he cannot be by himself at all, he cannot drive, he can barely urinate without struggling, he now has to wear a catheter.. He is regularly confused, disoriented and belligerent...cussing, screaming, moaning, etc...
before his heart surgery 4 years ago, he was a pastor, a security guard, for a local bank and for the "Cowboy Hall of Fame" in OKC. He was 100% in control of his mind and body...in just 4 short years he has declined so fast that he is now just a shell of who he was...AND HE KNOWS THAT.
So yesterday, as he was having his surgery, I lit some candles and quietly "prayed" for him...my heart was divided...A-I wanted him to survive the surgery, but at the same time B-I was hoping he would quietly and painlessly pass away. His suffering would be over and his soul would finally be at peace...
But he survived.....it almost seems cruel....but, obviously it is not his time...whether it is his God keeping him alive (which he now does not serve or pray too or even fucking remember) or the universe is not quite ready to accept his soul....
His mind is virtually gone, his body is decaying, his heart is failing....how much more does he have to suffer???
That is the question.....
S
I got a call from John. The last two weeks by dad has been in and out of the emergency room 6 times for complications from the surgery he had on his bladder/prostate 2 weeks ago...to fix this issue he is having, they need to do another surgery....
In the meantime, after his 6th fucking visit to the er, they found out he had a UTI...they ran more tests and told John that my dad has VI fib, and heart failure. So, now, there is the issue that he could die in surgery.
The doctor told John that there was a moderate to high risk he will not make it out of surgery, and this is an outpatient surgery...his surgery is set for later today.
I talked with my dad last night, I told him I love him...it may be the last time I ever hear his voice or tell him that I love him....
As I was talking with John, he went on and on in detail how hard it has been for him...in fact he said "I have the two worst times in my life, you leaving me and taking care of your dad". CAN YOU BELIEVE THE FUCKING NERVE OF HIM....yes, I left him, but he pushed me away...it was all his fucking fault that I left, but he is still playing the victim...WHEN IT WAS ME WHO WAS THE VICTIM...
He sends me these disturbing texts about my dad, he calls and tells me all the horrible things going on with him and my mother, he told me my dad may very well die today...he paints himself as the victim and the one suffering the most...then he has the nerve to ask me "So, how are you doing?"
THE FUCK????? HOW AM I DOING????
I am in Virginia running around partying and doing fun things and ignoring the crisis at Oklahoma..that is what he thinks....can you believe this shit?
He knows about my abuse, he knows I attempted suicide, he refused to help me with my mental struggles, he points the finger at Kevin for me leaving, he says things that he fucking knows will upset me...he knows about my DID, he knows that I have been in therapy for years, he knows that I struggle emotionally and psychologically, yet he thinks "I am fucking fine..."
He blatantly disregards my distress....he toys with my emotions so that he can be the "big person"....omg, I hate him. I hate how fucking selfish and self-centered he is, it is all about him, his job, his not getting sleep because of my dad...he is portraying himself as the victim....He is the one that offered to move dad in, he took it upon himself to be responsible for my dad...yet he is the victim...
Poor pitiful John Krupovage...where are all his prayers??? Why is his fucking god not taking care of my dad, him? He blames me, yet he should be pointing the finger at himself and his god.
I thought long and hard last night about my dad, my step dad. If he dies today, I will not go to the funeral. I did not go to Gageys funeral, because I do not want to remember Gage dead in a casket, my last memories of Gage are telling him I love him, of him smiling and telling me he loves me...I want the last thing I remember about my step dad is telling him I love him, and him telling me the same back.
Funerals are not for the dead...they are fucking dead...funerals are for the family to grieve, well I can grieve here, I don't need to be around a family that hates Kevin, basically disdains me, and I certainly don't want to hear all the bullshit about how my dad is in a better place now and it was gods will for him to go....HORSESHIT
If I go, by my simply being there, there will be drama and all that shit...the funeral and honoring my dad would be overshadowed by me and Kevin....fuck that shit.
Also, when my birth father died, neither my sister or brother went to his funeral to support me...so why the fuck should I go to a funeral to support them in their loss???? This is their dad, not mine. The only dad they have ever known and loved...
Going to my daddies funeral, was so terrifically hard for me, it started the downward spiral that eventually ended up with me in a hospital for suicidal tendencies...when my dad died, my only support and unconditional love from anyone died with him...it was the beginning of the end for me...and my sister and brother did not give a shit....nobody did. The last image I have of my dad in my head, his him laying in a casket...dead, dead and gone from me forever....that was the last funeral I have ever attended, and that was in 2007.
So, I do not know what today will bring...maybe my dad will pull through this surgery, but he will still need around the clock medical care, and he is still in heart failure, so no matter, it is just a matter of time before his heart gives out completely...he is literally a dead man walking....
fuck, fuck fuck.
S
This is a letter sent to our Landlord about my entitled neighbor....
| Fri, Oct 4, 4:04 PM (2 days ago) |  | ||
| ||||
Vindictive: having or showing a strong or unreasoning desire for revenge.
Facts, Laken stole a cat from the Grandin area. It has been around humans its whole life and was probably someone’s outdoor cat. A cat that never came back home.
After seeing that cat, Karl, going after the birds that Sparrow feeds every day, and has fed for 5+ years, we asked her to keep her cat inside until she found it a home or surrendered it.
See first agreed. But, since Karl liked to “meow” loudly, it was easier for her just to open the door and let him out, showing how immature she was in not understanding that she had agreed to keep the cat inside, AND she wasn’t ready for the responsibility of owning a cat she knew nothing about.
She was going to get a collar and a tag. She didn’t, she was lying.
The night that started this, was the night Karl came meowing at my door to come in. Again, that shows he WAS someone’s pet. I let him in and fed him cooked chicken. I was about to call you and let you know I had the cat and wanted your input, but before I could call she came to my door, accusing me of cat-napping her cat. Humm… what did she do just a few weeks earlier? At least, he was just downstairs from her and being fed.
She got so hot and disturbed about the whole issue, she even threatens me with, “ I will call some friends to come kick your ass”. Now, she threatened me.
She left the apartment, no idea where she went. But it wasn’t long, and she sent Sparrow a text that read, “I’m bringing a raccoon killer.”
I called the police officers, I was not going to have anyone threaten me, and I will not tolerate it. I also wasn’t going to have her sending those messages to Sparrow.
When the police question her about it, of course she denied it. (now she’s a liar too) She told a lot of lies to the police officers, so many that even Sparrow called her out from upstairs.
After seeing the text message, the cop believed she made those threats, but since he didn’t hear it, he couldn’t take her or charge her. But he didn’t include it in his report.
Since that night, she has been vindictive toward Sparrow and I over and over again.
But, how has Sparrow treated her??????
Sparrow has fed her cats when her mother couldn’t get by.
Sparrow bought her cats a bag of toys, which at the time she thought was sweet.
Sparrow always swept porch her porch when she swept her own, and now Laken is trying to sweep Sparrow under a rug.
Sparrow has given her a white shelf, she’s using for her cat food.
I gave her dad a hide a bed.
We’ve given her meals and Sparrow even gave her a Christmas gift of Chex-mix Christmas treat. (she never even said thank you for that even) We should have known then what kind of girl she was going to be.
We’ve invited her and Cameron on trail rides, which Cameron said his Jeep wouldn’t survive, but we invited them.
When Cameron was going to break up with her, I tried talking him out of it. I regret that now, I see what he meant when he said she was crazy.
Laken even told her Grandmother that she LOVED SPARROW, for everything Sparrow did. Sparrow was so cool!
Yeah, well I’m tired of it. Sparrow is tired of it.
I could keep going, but even typing this letter is getting me upset, I shouldn’t have to be doing this.
Thanks for helping out and protecting Sparrow.
Kevin
OMG, my anxiety is getting so bad...I am literally breaking out in hives, all over my body...my feet, my back, my arms, this is stupid....
I know it is nerves, because I have not had any new, detergent, clothing, lotion, everything I do to my body is exactly the same...there is no reason for the hives. NONE
Except my nerves.
This situation with my neighbor, the storms, my family, the presidential election, the war in the middle east has me so anxious and nervous and frankly, scared.
My nerves are shot.....even my dreams are filled with gloom and doom.....I try not to watch too much TV, but focus on regular shows and Netflix, watching old TV comedy shows, movies, anything that distracts from reality.
I watched a movie on Netflix called "Will and Harper"...this is a movie that shows the struggles of trans people...with Will Ferrell taking a cross country trip with his best friend for over 30 years that during the pandemic transitioned to a female....this is a raw, uncensored look at Wills questions, his support and his love for the person, not the cover.....I cried for most of the movie, even though I am not trans, the things Harper said, the way he felt all his life, the ridicule, the embarrassment and trying to hide his real real self, getting married, having kids, putting up a facade, living a lie.....Harper even said "she felt like a monster"....
That is exactly what it has been like for me, revealing my DID, trying to be normal, being ridiculed, abandoned, mocked, called liar...I have also referred to myself over and over as a "monster"....I related so much to the struggles of Harper, especially transitioning in his late 50's....
I thought about that movie all night....I really did not know much about trans people...I have no problem with them, live and let live, is my moto...but, I never understood how they felt growing up, the struggles, especially mental struggles...
I hope that every single person in America and the fucking world, watches this movie.....I am not a Will Ferrell fan, not his movies or anything, but the Will on this documentary, is not the Will you see on the screen....and my opinion of him as vastly changed....
In my life, Kevin is my Will. He accepted my DID, asked questions, and has done everything to try and understand just how my disorder started...he has supported me when he should have walked away...He has never doubted me, he has asked me hard questions...we even did some Youtube Videos, but those videos I have taken down....my DID story isn't important....
But the abuse and shattering assaults to my mind and body by people who have never and will never be held accountable, that is the story of DID....the focus should never be on the victim...It should be squarely put on the shoulders of the abusers...but that will never never happen....
It is not my fault what happened to create my DID.
Harper just did not wake up in his 50's and decided on a whim to transition to a women...he knew from like 5 years old, that in his mind he was a girl, trapped in a boys body...and he suffered so much mentally...as a female, he still suffered such depression, that he thought of suicide, often.
That is me.
That is me.
Thank you Will and Harper for your very real and moving story....Harper, you are a fucking rockstar!
S
As a person that struggles with Mental illnesses, such as depression, anxiety, fear, DID, etc...I am having a very difficult time with what is going on in the world, and my life...
Hurricane Helene and its massive destruction, wild fires, climate change disasters
All the wildlife destroyed, their habitats destroyed, the critter killed, displaced and hurt because of man made issues..ie..climate warming...
The war in the middle east
religious divide,
race wars, immigration
the dock workers strike
the political divide of our nation
the increased violence all around the US
Diddy and his crap, that includes minors
customer service is now horrible in almost all areas that consumers see
issues with my "entitled" neighbor
separation from family and friends
Not to mention all my immediate family issues, ie..my daughter ignoring my confessions, my dads rapidly declining health and the potential return to OKC
Even my personal relationships are suffering...especially with Kevin
I can't talk to him, , he tries to mansplain stuff to me as if I am a fucking idiot...maybe I am...
It is exactly when I try to talk with my kids, they turn all my conversations to themselves and dismisses me entirely....That is how I feel dismissed by EVERYONE
I feel insignificant, I feel I am being babysat by those who "supposedly love me"...
When I withdraw and become quiet, that means something is really wrong in my head, and its about me....but Kevin thinks its all about him, I must be upset with him, he refuses to believe other circumstances can upset me and cause me to withdraw...again, its all about him. He says he "knows me", but he really doesn't....he always assumes its about him.
Every conversation we have is about him, so I just sit and listen...we have talked about this over and over and over...when I want to speak about something, or share memories or whatever, his response to me is about him, his life, his kids, his experiences...
This happens all the time.....if I have a concern or issue, if it sounds silly to Kevin, he mansplains shit to me and gets irritated and treats me like I am a child, and I don't know shit. Then when I call him out on it, he just sits and stares at me, with those mean eyes...and I just clam up inside.....this is how my warped mind thinks....
He also says things he is gonna do about a situation, then he doesn't do it. He says he will pay his bills tonight, but he does not...when remind him he says, he is doing it tonight, but tonight does not come...we are being jerked around by the medical establishment and he gets angry says he is going to call someone and do something about it, but then he never does...it just sits and rots. He has done a shit lot of work to his apartment, things the landlord would have to pay someone to do, but kevin does it and says he will take it out of his rent...but he does not. He does his landlords job, and still pays his regular rent....for all his bravado, behind closed doors, he lets everything slide....he is allowing himself to be used so our landlord can laugh all the way to the fucking bank. If I ask him about deducting labor charges from his rent, he says he is going to do that, but he does not. He loses all the receipts, he forgets or whatever....and this FUCKING INFURIATES ME, obviously more than it does him, he is perfectly content to let it slide.....for all his bravado for standing up for himself, he really does not. Another issue is his job, they are docking him pay because he gets more hourly wage working weekends, now the VA wants back the over wage.....at first Kevin was determined to get that fixed, talk to the union, talk to advocates, he was all bluster and determination, now he is just like "oh well, I am not black, so the union won't help me, no one returns my calls, so I guess I will allow myself to be used by the VA. He is bark with no bite. He continuously lets them take advantage of him. He fixes things at the VA with his own money, he does everyone elses job, he really doesn't care that he is being used and taken advantage of. I told him, if they are not going to pay you extra to work weekends, then go back to monday through friday....but he won't do that..and when I call him on it, the "mansplaining" starts, the back tracking of his initial feelings or words and excuses to continue weekend work, so other employees can have the weekend off...they get paid a paycheck of a certain amount to work monday thru friday. In the government if you work holidays and weekends, you get a higher hourly wage for those weekend work, you get over time for holidays...but now, Kevin seems perfectly content to work weekends and not get paid weekend salaries....and this is not acceptable. I would rather him have weekends off, than two days during the week...but I understood he needed more money for his child support, so I accepted that weekends are not weekends for us...but now, that he will not be making a higher hourly weekend wage, why the fuck would he continue to work weekends?????? I will tell you why...he loves being superior to others, he loves fixing things, running to the rescue of inept employees, because it makes him look good.
I don't know how much more I can take....with the entire world going to shit, my family life going to shit, my relationship with Kevin going to shit...all I want to do is isolate myself....Kevin is the only friend I have here, even after 6 years he is my only friend I can really talk too, but he only half listens, only hears so much, then his mind starts trying to fix whatever I am talking about, so he only half hears me......I am so tired of repeating myself to him, asking him to do this or that, reminding him of things HE NEEDS TO DO, that he does not do, he puts it off, or gets all into his cell phone games or Youtube and does not do what needs to be done in his own life and finances
I realize that he is very dominate, very smart, and very important and I also know he does not like a woman reminding him of shit...I cannot be with a man like that....it has to be a partnership and we do not have one. I should not have to fucking nag him to pay his utility bills, or remind him of things he needs to do....
Some days and weeks we seem strong, other times, we are so weak, there is nothing there....
Our whole life together has changed....nothing is the same.....and probably that is on me.
EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT....its all in my head....I feel certain, that I am to blame for our relationship going to shit....Part of me trying to erase my DID, is for Kevin to realize I am an adult.
The only time we have a conversation that stays of the topic of me, is when we talk about my DID. Then he uses his knowledge to have communication with. That is the only fucking topic that we can talk about that is all about me.....BUT I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE DID PERSON. I am more than a DID monster, I am so much more, but I feel stuffed in a box.
Because the abuse I sustained as a child so destroyed my brain, Kevin has to babysit me. I am nothing but a retard. It makes me so fucking angry when he wants to try and speak with an alter if he feels its them influencing me....that is like him saying to an errant child "I need to speak to your parents"...that is how I feel....
and it immediately shuts me down.....that old adage, "Ignorance is Bliss", is certainly the truth. When I did not know I had DID, I was so much happier inside...even when my marriage was falling apart, I was still ignorant of most of the more intense abuse, and what that abuse did to my head....Now that I know I have a split personality, I feel so much more like a goddamn fucking freak. Kevin can never trust me, Sparrow, because it may be someone else in my head...this puts him in an awkward position, where is has to second guess my words, my actions, whatever....because frankly, I am literally insane.
This is not fair to him, this is not fair to anybody around me, family, so called friends, it is not fair to even try and have friendships...I am just simply to sick in my head to be anything but a pathetic mentally ill retard.
Mental Illness, especially acute anxiety and PTSD is intensified by not only familial issues, but also all the issues I mentioned above. The details about Diddy, the sex trafficking, the sexual and physical abuse of minors, have brought my own experience roaring back to the front of my mind....and "knowing" how this works, "knowing" the after effects that these minors and children have to now live with for the rest of their lives, has hurt me so deeply, I cannot put it in its place....Coupled with the divided nation over Trump and his lies, the MAGA movement, the wars, the climate change causing catastrophic destruction to family and communities, and the list goes on and on...all these really affect people. Especially those who have been hurt and destroyed then dismissed as "lying" or "making things up"...there is no accountability for abusers, no accountability to our Political leaders...all these school shootings and other shootings, the media and leaders all say "they are mentally unstable"...well WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MAKE THEM THAT WAY???? they say Mental Health needs more attention, but it is just lip service....we are all shoved into a box and labeled "crazy"...
The Mental Health establishment is a fucking sham....to try and get help, is expensive, hard to get help, real help, without being "boxed"...then your medical records show you are sick in the head....and this is also demeaning and embarrassing...no wonder people are "tired" and "weary"....we are "stigmatized" as not actual adults, mature, responsible and an asset to the world...we are nothing more than a "throw away people"....
Instead of the government being held responsible for their actions, the blame is placed on "mental health"....instead of families being held responsible, the blame is placed on "mental health", The only person held responsible for their actions is the "mentally ill" person themselves...and yes, there is some truth to that, but at the same time, accountability should be across the board.
Our country is failing its people. Our mental health professionals are failing to help, our families are failing to help, its a ME ME ME generation, and fuck everybody else.
And that is me....that is countless other victims...we are to blame, the finger is always pointed straight at us...we are the scape goats for the elitist...
we have no voice, not as a child, not as a teenager, not as a young adult, and not as senior.
This is evident in my own life. I have no voice, and when I do try to voice something, I am shut down immediately.
Boxed into a tight coffin and buried 6 feet under....to make room for the "monsters" of the world...people with mental health issues are not the monsters...the monsters are the people and establishment that made them. They laugh and spit in our faces and deem themselves superior.
Fuck that, fuck everything....We are not allowed to speak our truth, we are not allowed to lose our tempers, and voice what is going on inside, we are not allowed to stand up for ourselves, why? Oh, they are just mentally sick, it is their sickness reacting or speaking...so we are brushed off...
Even though in our society today, lying is part of the political process, part of religion, part of jobs, fleecing the people, fleecing them of their rights, their money, killing in the name of religion or perceived righteousness is accepted in people who have not had a "mental health crisis"...but those of us that do the exact things "normal" people do, we are looked down on, and boxed....while the "normal" liars, cheaters, killers laugh all over us...AND WHO IS MENTALLY SICK???
So tired, so tired, so goddamn tired...I hate America. I wished I did not live here, if I could I would leave in a heartbeat...but I am trapped, like every other decent American...trapped in the hell hole of the USA.
Sparrow
