Overwhelming....

 I am so ashamed of whining about my depression and "tough life" with family, etc....

After Helene, and the destruction that has happened, the carnage and absolute misery of those affected in all the flooding and storm,  I am beyond grateful that the storm only did minimal damage to our area of SW Virginia....The Blue Ridge Parkway is shut down from fallen trees, and there is alot of damage around my area, but NOTHING like the southern states hit....

Nothing like a fucking slap in the face by mother nature to set me back on the correct path...

I am so thankful that my home and livelihood is still intact, while hundreds of thousands are not... 

But what is funny, although fucking sad, is NONE of my family contacted me to see if I was alright.  In fact only friends from NM texted to check up on our part of Virginia...So that leaves me to believe that no matter what happens around me or too me or too my area, my family doesn't give a shit...wow....now that is humbling....

I did get a text from John, but it was to tell me that my dad had surgery on his prostate, they removed a 1/4 cup of blood clot...I don't know how much more my dad can take....every time I get a text from John I am so nervous it will be that my dad has died....

I am beyond terrified of him dying, because I will be forced to go back to Oklahoma for a funeral....I did not go to Gageys funeral, I could not, I simply was in no mental shape to go...I feel the same for my dad...

My family has abandoned me,  they are so judgmental and they fucking hate Kevin...If I showed up, and of course Kevin would have to take me there, as I simply am unable to make the 1000 mile trip alone.  If I did go to the funeral, I would have to have Kevin with me...to protect me and keep me safe, and also keep me from opening my mouth to my family...

I truly believe that if I went back, the funeral and dads death would be overshadowed by the hatred my sister and brother have for me...I simply cannot mentally take the abuse they would give me...it would be beyond triggering and I have abject fear of seeing them,  and if Kevin was with me, it would be worse, as my family thinks Kevin "stole me away"...which is a ridiculous belief...John chased me away, pure and simple...but my family refuses to believe that and a confrontation will happen if they see Kevin, especially at a funeral...

I am so conflicted....I feel I am torn apart....but at the same time, my issues pale in comparison to what is happening in NC, SC, GA, and Florida...I can't even imagine...I have been through horrible tornadoes in Oklahoma, but hurricanes do so much more damage and has so many side effects, flooding, etc, that they make tornadoes look like a piece of cake...my heart is aching for those in that destructive downright devastating hurricane Helene...and the worse is I am helpless in actually helping them...yes I will donate money to the Red Cross, but I am more of a "get your hands dirty and serve" than just sending money and fucking "thoughts and prayers"...but what can I do???

I don't know, this world is going to shit, climate change, Trumpism, economy,  taking away womens rights to reproduction,  all that shit, what kind of world is out there for our children and grandchildren and future generations?   Women having babies now, in this world climate, I feel is selfish and self-centered...who would bring a new child into a world that is self-destructing all around?  sigh

So much on my mind and heart, its overwhelming.

S