Well shit. My dad is getting worse and worse...John called me and told me that twice dad got lost driving around the city, he got disoriented and confused while he was driving and he had to call John for John to help him back home....
I really feel it is time to take away his drivers license...he not only may drive off to god knows where, or his confusion could cause a traffic accident where either himself or someone else could be hurt or injured...
This is a hard choice and John is hesitant to do it...I get that, my dad is 82 years old, he is declining mentally and has bouts of "anger issues, followed with cussing and being belligerent, one minute and perfectly sane the next...that is a sign of dementia or Alzheimer's. This hurts my heart so much, I am glad that I am not there to witness this strong mans dissent into insanity....or dementia...this a man who was a police officer, a US Marshall, a preacher, a judge, an EMT, a security card, a weatherman, a soldier. He has had a life full of public service and goodness, despite his lies to me about certain things, he is a great man...and to see his mind go, is devastating and I could not handle seeing this....
I really don't care that my mother has dementia, she did nothing with her life but hurt me and others with her vicious religious judgmental tongue...she pushed me aside years and years ago, so I have no real feelings for her one way or another....but my step dad...that is fucking me up inside...I hate this.
Is this how I will end up? My mother and two of her sisters all have dementia and are in a care facility...does this mean I will have this too? OMG that scares the fucking crap out of me, who would take care of me? Certainly not my kids or family, they have made that abundantly clear with their words and behavior towards me....Will Kevin help me? He is a raging smoker, and eats fucking crap food...I know he will not be around when I start to get dementia....so I will be so alone, locked up in a facility, a jail, confused and insane....
I am exactly 20 years younger than my mom and step dad...so in less than 20 short years, I may be just like them.....how do I live with that??? What do I do to prepare for this when I will have nobody there for me...no advocate, no one to love me or visit me...
This I do know, if I am ever diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer's, I will take measures to euthanize myself before my mind completely goes...I will not be a strain on the government to take care of me, I will not be a strain on a family that may or may not want to help me. I will not be a shell of who I once was....
Watching this nightmare unfold with my mom and dad, it puts the focus on me...it runs in the family....I am doomed.
And can you imagine having dementia when I have DID? Will all my alters start behaving wildly? How does dementia affect them and their memories and behaviors? OMG I will present as some wild animal, stark raving mad....NO WAY WILL I LET THAT HAPPEN...NO FUCKING WAY
S
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I do not know what to do or what to say to help her. I do know that whatever happens to her mind, will happen to all of us. I do not think she needs to worry or obsess about that. If, we all start to suffer, I am aware that Sophee will take care of the situation.
Tessa
No comments:
Post a Comment