Tuesday, September 17, 2024

ashamed of my brain

 I have been trying so hard to not trigger my alters.  I have put all their stuff away (out of sight out of mind sort of thing)  I have avoided people places and things that could be a trigger...so basically, I have been hiding out in my apartment....FEAR of being triggered, is leading to fear of community, environment and people...

This is not good....

I wish I could just be me....let my alternate personalities be themselves...I wish I did not have so much shame with this disorder....and that is what it is.  I am so ashamed of me.   I am ashamed of speaking out, I am ashamed of my alters,  they represent a failure in my brain....no matter the cause, it is still a failure of my brain to properly function.

7 does not even try and hide all their smoking...I believe that they are even buying cigarettes, I found a pack hidden in my dresser drawer....7's brand.

My body goes to the store, my body pretends to be Sparrow, my body buys those fucking cigarettes and I have no clue....do you know how that feels?  NO YOU DON'T, ITS SHAMEFUL AND MAKES ME LOOK LIKE A FUCKING LIAR TO THE PUBLIC...

I am ashamed that I cannot control my brain....I do not want to known as "quirky", I want to be known as a stable responsible normal adult, not some weirdo....and DID makes me nothing but a fucking weirdo....

I have so much shame, I don't know where to put it....so it flows into my heart, making me even sicker...

S

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