Overwhelming....

 I am so ashamed of whining about my depression and "tough life" with family, etc....

After Helene, and the destruction that has happened, the carnage and absolute misery of those affected in all the flooding and storm,  I am beyond grateful that the storm only did minimal damage to our area of SW Virginia....The Blue Ridge Parkway is shut down from fallen trees, and there is alot of damage around my area, but NOTHING like the southern states hit....

Nothing like a fucking slap in the face by mother nature to set me back on the correct path...

I am so thankful that my home and livelihood is still intact, while hundreds of thousands are not... 

But what is funny, although fucking sad, is NONE of my family contacted me to see if I was alright.  In fact only friends from NM texted to check up on our part of Virginia...So that leaves me to believe that no matter what happens around me or too me or too my area, my family doesn't give a shit...wow....now that is humbling....

I did get a text from John, but it was to tell me that my dad had surgery on his prostate, they removed a 1/4 cup of blood clot...I don't know how much more my dad can take....every time I get a text from John I am so nervous it will be that my dad has died....

I am beyond terrified of him dying, because I will be forced to go back to Oklahoma for a funeral....I did not go to Gageys funeral, I could not, I simply was in no mental shape to go...I feel the same for my dad...

My family has abandoned me,  they are so judgmental and they fucking hate Kevin...If I showed up, and of course Kevin would have to take me there, as I simply am unable to make the 1000 mile trip alone.  If I did go to the funeral, I would have to have Kevin with me...to protect me and keep me safe, and also keep me from opening my mouth to my family...

I truly believe that if I went back, the funeral and dads death would be overshadowed by the hatred my sister and brother have for me...I simply cannot mentally take the abuse they would give me...it would be beyond triggering and I have abject fear of seeing them,  and if Kevin was with me, it would be worse, as my family thinks Kevin "stole me away"...which is a ridiculous belief...John chased me away, pure and simple...but my family refuses to believe that and a confrontation will happen if they see Kevin, especially at a funeral...

I am so conflicted....I feel I am torn apart....but at the same time, my issues pale in comparison to what is happening in NC, SC, GA, and Florida...I can't even imagine...I have been through horrible tornadoes in Oklahoma, but hurricanes do so much more damage and has so many side effects, flooding, etc, that they make tornadoes look like a piece of cake...my heart is aching for those in that destructive downright devastating hurricane Helene...and the worse is I am helpless in actually helping them...yes I will donate money to the Red Cross, but I am more of a "get your hands dirty and serve" than just sending money and fucking "thoughts and prayers"...but what can I do???

I don't know, this world is going to shit, climate change, Trumpism, economy,  taking away womens rights to reproduction,  all that shit, what kind of world is out there for our children and grandchildren and future generations?   Women having babies now, in this world climate, I feel is selfish and self-centered...who would bring a new child into a world that is self-destructing all around?  sigh

So much on my mind and heart, its overwhelming.

S

Enchanted Trail

 So yesterday, nine of us Jeepers went on a trail ride, The Enchanted Trail, along the Blue Ridge Mountains the day after Hurricane Helene...it was very muddy and trees were down, in fact when the trail opened up on the actual parkway,  we discovered the parkway was closed due to downed trees, so we got to have a large portion of the parkway to ourselves...It was very weird not having any traffic...apocalyptic...It was so much fun, but also nerve racking!

This is at the end of the trail before hitting the parkway...

 

And this is why the parkway was closed!

 

 

hurricane and Roanoke

 Wow, so yesterday we got slammed by Hurricane Helene.  Even though we are in the southwest part of Virginia, we got heavy rain, flooding and lots of damage.

I had a hair appointment and since I drive a Jeep, I went to my appointment.  As I was driving there, I literally watched trees being uprooted, and large branches falling to the ground....We lost power for a bit, but it came back on...the mess though, geez....

leaves, branches and debris everywhere.   My car sits under a tarp rated to hold against 30 MPH winds, well my tarp took flight and was destroyed....so many trees fells, and branches,  narrowly missing my jeep and the apartment itself.

We even had multiple tornadoes in a state that rarely sees tornadoes...it was like I was back in Oklahoma!

I can't even imagine Florida, NC, Georgia and SC....millions are without power and huge damage to those states..

Today, we are suppose to go on a trail ride up at Enchanted Creek Trail....it is still on, but I am super concerned about downed trees and washed out trails....I know that some jeepsters will be bringing chain saws...I have my tow rope....Usually trails like these are only cleaned up by Jeepers, as most average cars and trucks are not suited for the very rocky trails....so today may be clean up day for Jeepers...

Should be interesting for sure....

Back to my hair appointment....I decided to darken my hair...it now is alot darker and the blonde highlights are more grayish....I am starting to let my gray grow in...I am 62 and its time to be an "old lady" and let my hair go gray....Under the blonde dye job, my hair is actually more salt and pepper and it is getting harder and harder to hide the gray, so I have decided to stop fighting aging....

I don't think Kevin likes the new hair color....but he would never say so...he will just have to get use to being with an old gray haired granny.

I am changing, going into a new phase of my life...in just 20 short years I will be in my 80's if I even make it that far....I know that my youth is gone, I accept that now.  I accept that I am a little old lady..

I do not know what my "alters" think of the new do....if they don't like it, tough shit....

I don't know if changing my hair to accommodate my gray is part of my depression...sorta like I am giving up on my looks...I really don't care about trying to look nice...I rarely even wear make up anymore....I hurt everywhere, my arthritis in my hand and feet some days makes it hard to walk and grab items....not to mention my continuous nonstop headaches....I am just old. Pure and simple.

Realizing I am now old, is as shocking as the hurricane and the damage it made here in Roanoke...So clean up starts,  and part of that clean up is letting myself go...letting myself get old, giving in to retirement, doctor visits, aches and pains and gray hair and reading the obituaries.

S

gone with the wind...

 I am so tired of the entitled generation...I am so tired of the selfishness and self-centeredness of todays generation....I am so tired of seeing Trumps fucking name all over the place...I am tired of my family...I am tired of America.

I know that I am falling back into my depression, and I just don't fucking give a shit anymore.  I am tired of being dismissed and ignored...I am tired of my "expectations" being smashed under my feet.

I am tired of defending my choices...Seems I am always on the defense.  I am tired of fucking being blamed for everything when I have done nothing wrong...

I am so tired, I just don't care anymore....

I am embracing my depression...it is a warm blanket covering me...

My depression has been building over the past couple of weeks,  so much is going on that is wrecking my mind...my fucking bitch neighbor,  my family,  I no longer feel safe here, or anywhere....I have no security,  my opinions, feelings or thoughts are nothing but trash...

I am trash.

There is no safety anymore...its gone...gone with the wind....

S

Russian Roulette

 So geez...will the hits ever stop coming?  

My dad has three times been convinced that he is going to die by blowing up...he has went to the emergency room 3 times in as many weeks...

He has called the police....John blocked him at the front door from leaving, when he was in a "I am going to die" state of mind...

My dad is going downhill quick.   He is becoming even too much of a "problem" for even John, and of course, David is not helping much...he is helping some now, but not by much...

I told John that it is probably time to put dad in a dementia facility, like with my mom...but the cost of that is incredible...already my moms bill for the facility is 7,000 a month, if my dad goes in, that is at least 14,000 a month total...he does not have enough money to pay that for an extended amount of time...what happens when the money runs out?  Does the facility kick both him and my mother out??? How does that work, who will then be responsible for their rent?

Will that be John, the Power of Attorney? Or will that fall on us kids?  I will not pay to help them, I am on a very fixed budget and retired....I spent over 30 years taking care of my parents while my siblings skating on with their  lives...They both have jobs and an income, I do not.  So I will not contribute to my parents cost of living if they are both put "away"...

And why should I be responsible to them anyway????  They treated me horribly, took advantage of my silence and used me for their gain and benefit....I am sorry and I hate what is happening to them, getting old is not easy....but fuck, I am getting old too, and I need to save what money I have, to pay my own medical bills, because my family would never help me financially if I really needed it....tit for tat, I guess....

On another note, I have firmly decided to keep my opinions about food and unhealthy behavior to myself....if the people I love, don't love themselves enough to see what they are doing to their own body, then it is not on me to "nag" them....If they are choosing to kill themselves with fake food and all that, then "its their choice"....

I am accepting that when that blatant disregard for their health finally catches up with them and they die of some horrible illness or cancer,  I will be all alone in the world...alone because I refuse to kill myself with fake food...so I will probably live to be 100, yet solidly alone...an old woman.

I am only 20 yrs younger than my parents...20 years, time flies by and that scares me, because I am petrified of ending up like my mother.  I am petrified of being old and alone...

Every alarm I sound about nutrition, its all science based...science has proven that fast food, pre packaged and instant food, sugary treats, etc...is extremely harmful to the body...science has backed up every FUCKING THING I have been pleading to my loved ones about...and the one person I love in the entire world, who bases everything off science and math, still refuses to accept the science of his shit ass diet....it is like he is "daring" his body....."I have eaten this way all my life, and I am good"....doesn't matter that as we age our body does not break down and get rid of crap, our metabolism slows down, our immunity system slows down, and all those years of crap eating and smoking will catch up to you, like a fucking tornado....even with ALL THE FACTS ABOUT NUTRITION, to some people, it is like "Do as I say, not as I do..." the hypocritical scientist....like in the old days when your family physician was a smoker....same damn thing...

Again, I have no voice...I don't know what the fuck I am talking about...I am insignificant and only worthy by the deeds I physically do, not the wisdom and knowledge that comes out of my mouth...

I am no longer going to have an opinion about anything, except Donald Trump! haha

I will take care of myself, and try and be as healthy as I can be...I can control what I put into my body, I cannot control others, so if they want to play "Russian Roulette" with their bodies...go for it.

I am out.

S

deaf ears

 I am not a very smart person,  but there are a couple of things I know a fuck lot about...things I have studied and researched and implemented in my own life.  

1-dogs.   I know a shit lot about dogs, breeds, personalities, abilities, characteristics, training etc....I have run dog parks, kennels, and volunteered in dog rescue.  I have adopted, fostered and loved so many dogs in my life, I can't count them all.  I know how to "read" a dog, the warnings dogs give, the "non warnings" dogs give...I know dog breeds that are not good for households with children,  I know dog breeds that are wonderful for families.  I KNOW DOGS.

2-so called christianity.  I know first hand the hypocrisy of organized religion.  I have studied many many different religions, I have read the Bible cover to cover twice, I have read the Book of Mormon, I have studied Islam, Hinduism and the like.  I have seen first hand a "pastor" lying to his congregation.  I have been sexually assaulted, harassed and all that by "leaders of Baptist" churches...I have seen people come into the church who needed help financially, even members of said church, and the secretaries stating they could not help them "because they have not tithed to the church"  I was there, I was a church secretary, a sunday school leader, VBS worker, GAs leader....I have been on the inside of the "reality" of the "business of church" and that is exactly what it is, a business.  It is not a ministry, its a money making business, pure and simple....So this I know for certain "church is not church"....

3-nutrition.   Because of my dietary issues, I have studied varied nutritional avenues, from vegetarianism to Mediterranean diet.  I know which additives given to food is a cancer causer.  I know what fast food does to the heart,  I know how to eat healthy without breaking the bank...I am acutely aware of how the food industry works, having worked in grocery stores, and restaurants.   I know about fillers and additives and food coloring and food enhancing chemicals...all used in pre-packaged foods.   I am an expert in this field, because I have to learn about food,  for my own diet.  I have learned to "eat to live, not live to eat"....

But the problem with all my knowledge is that the people close to me, disregard my opinions and experience and knowledge.  Particularly when it comes to the food industry and cancer causing, heart attack causing, diabetes causing foods....

Now take all that knowledge and try to implore to someone you love to "please listen to me, and try and change your eating habits."  I am doing nothing but pissing into a fan....I am poo-pooed and dismissed.

The person I love most in this world, the person I want to live a long time with, refuses to take his diet seriously, know fucking matter what I say....Because in his mind, I don't know shit...I have been eating like this for years and I am doing fine....but all that eating like that for years will catch up to him, and I will be left alone in this world.   I have begged him to read the ingredients,  look at all the fake food additives, look at the list of shit and chemicals in those foods....but its all about the "cheaper" ones,  the ones he buys to save money.....Yet at the same time, he will spend stupid amounts of money on collectables and tools, but when it comes to his health, fuck that, cheap is the way to go....he would rather support a football team over supporting his health or me, for that matter.

Yesterday, I was helping him with his groceries...even after all my pleading, he still brought home crap food...I took this as a slap in the face.   I took this to mean "I don't care what you think or feel, I am gonna do what I am gonna do, what I have always done"  so fuck you very much.

I am tired of speaking truth about his horrible diet habits...if he wants to kill himself with chemical food and leave me alone....so be it.   I am going to start distancing my "love" for him...just like I am distancing myself from the "love" I feel for my kids and dad....they are gonna do what they are going to do and fuck me very much....

Same with religion....I only speak truth about the southern baptist, and all I get is "push back" no love, no understanding, not even a constructive argument....I am shut down by family, because they know the actual fucking truth about baptist is not christian at all, but greed and money.  And the power of money and influence over "suckers and losers" that hang on their every word and give them all their money....

You see this in pharmaceutical commercials, in grocery store chains and food companies...they know what they are doing, they are taking advantage of people who are to ignorant and lazy to look at their decisions in purchasing food, or medications...

Same with the dog business....Labradoodles selling for 1000 dollars...labradoodles are mutts, not purebreds, yet they are making money from stupid people thinking they are getting a "purebred".  Puppy mills push out purebreds with little regard for proper nutrition, medical care and the like...its nothing but a money making business.   

Puppy mills are all about money

Pharmacies are all about money

Church's are all about money

the food industry is all about money

And so there it is.....Greed trumps rational thinking, greed trumps good nutrition, greed trumps regulations for breeding animals, greed trumps Christianity and WWJD...

Nobody gives a rats ass if what you know and are saying is actually true....so what?  Its all about money.   My friend knows I am somewhat of an expert about healthy eating, but he does not fucking care, again, its all about money over health...this is cheaper, I will save money, so I can use that money to by collectables, while the company who over prices these items are laughing all the way to the bank....collectables do not make your body more healthy, they just leave more shit to get rid of when you die of heart disease or cancer because you saved a few bucks at the grocery store buying shit, and supporting the very shit companies that are killing you!  WAY TO FUCKING GO

I am done with trying to teach anyone about dogs, religion, and nutrition...I don't matter and my words just fall on deaf ears.

S

Piano man

 I usually blog about things going on that upset me...but very rarely do I post on happy sweet experiences.  So this morning, I am going to write about someone I met while volunteering at the Homeless Alliance Center in Oklahoma City.

I started volunteering there, setting up and running a dog kennel for homeless people with pets, to keep them safe while they are at the center.  I loved doing this.

One day, I met a man who was an employee there.  He was really sweet, and we started talking and became friends.  His story:

He use to live in New York City.  He was even on the show "Cash cab" and won 700 dollars!  While living in New York, he was a pianist at a lounge club, playing Broadway hits and the like...He had a committed relationship and loved being a New Yorker.

Then him and his partner split up...he eventually moved to Oklahoma City and was living with his sister, trying to figure out his life....I was so intrigued about his piano playing and I asked him if he plays anymore...he said its been almost 5 yrs since he has touched piano keys...hmmmm

One day, he needed a ride home, so I said I would take him...but instead of taking him to his sisters house, I took him to a store that sells pianos, violins, etc...this place had grand pianos set up...as we pulled in, he asked if he should stay in the car (I think he thought I was running a quick errand), I said no, come inside with me.  So he did.

When he saw all the grand pianos I could see his eyes light up...I asked him to play me some music..he sat down at one of the pianos, and placed his hands over the keys...and slowly, his fingers started playing, and it was so beautiful, I started crying...he played song after song, most of them while playing his eyes were closed.  After about 3 songs, I noticed customers stopping what they were doing to listen and watch him play,  one patron asked him if he could play a certain song, and he started playing that song, and it was perfect...then more people gathered and before long he had an audience of over 30 customers...the manager came out and loved his ability as a pianist.   

He played that piano for over an hour.  It was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard....driving him home, he cried and cried,  over and over he thanked me for taking him there...he said he felt like such a failure and his life was worthless, until I took him to that music store....

This man has a beautiful talent,  I told him that, and I also told him that being a Pianist is his calling, not working at a homeless shelter...a week later, I saw him at the center again, he gave me a thank you card for my thoughtfulness and told me he would NEVER forget what I did for him.  He said I gave him a new lease on life, I showed him he was worthy and needed to give his talent back to the people...

That was the last time I saw him....I eventually heard that he went back to New York to pursue his love and profession.   I hope that if I ever get to New York that I see him playing in a lounge bar and living his best life....

I am not tooting my own horn here....I saw and felt in him a sadness and regret that was tearing him up inside, and I just wanted to show him that he was special and important.  I wanted to remind him of his talent...even after 5 years of never playing a piano,  that talent was still there, and he gathered an audience and made people smile and dance and sing along...It was a blessing for me!

As an empath, I can feel other peoples pain, sadness whatever...it is both a curse and a blessing.  Sometimes there is not a damn thing I can do or say to help anyone who is "hurting" but I still look for a way to "lift them up",  and then other times, I know exactly what they need and I will move the universe to encourage and help them.

All this to say:  don't just look at a person...look into their soul, listen to their words and stories, be observant to their environment,  look for something to actually lift them up and help them...thoughts and prayers do nothing to help anyone...it takes action, sacrifice and love,  to get your hands dirty...

This man, mentioned he played the piano in New York,  and that he has not played since and that he missed playing.  He did not have a car, so he really had no way to go anywhere, and he was newish to Oklahoma city.....I knew of Larson music store, it was near my home and when my daughter was young she played the piano, so I bought sheet music there and I knew there were grand pianos set up all over the store...so it made sense for me to take him there...it did not me a dime,  I surprised him, and being able to do something that was his passion and love was the greatest gift I have ever given anyone...

I think of him often, and it is my hope that he is playing his art in New York...I know I was instrumental in his move back to New York...he needed to be shown that he was still relevant and his talent was undeniable....it made a difference in his life...and I really did nothing...I just gave him the opportunity to reconnect to his love, his piano.

It takes virtually nothing to lift someone up, to show love, to not judge, and to bless someone..this is what I do,  I help behind the scenes...I don't want recognition and pats on the back...all I want is to see that person smile.  Or to help a person without tooting my own horn.  

I don't want the "keys to the city", I want to give those "keys" to everyone.

S

Little Laken bitch

 I have lived in this apartment for 6 yrs.  I keep the leaves blown off the drive, I keep the place neat and clean...I look out for my neighbors, I am quite and try and be nice to all the other tenants.

Since I have been here, I regularly feed the birds, squirrels, raccoons, any animal that comes to my balcony.  This has NEVER been a problem.

All the neighbors through this 6 yrs, have had cats, dogs etc...and everyone of them took care of their animals and there was never a problem.....

Until, little miss Laken moved in next door.  She is a 22 yr old entitled little bitch.  She had 2 cats, which she kept indoors as they are indoor cats.  Then one day, she stole a cat from Grandin and brought it home.  This cat is feral...he is nice and sweet, but he is an outside cat...Her cat, comes to my balcony and attacks my birds and squirrels.(again I have video proof)  We have talked with her, and she has made promises to keep the cat in...but when that cat starts yelling and meowing, she can't sleep, so she puts it outside...he comes to my balcony and stalks the critters.  Easy picking....I have him on video, going after a squirrel, coming and going off my balcony.   

Kevin talked with her again....she said that she would put a collar on him with a bell....she never did.

It is okay for her to put the cat out, because he bothers her sleep and she cant stand that....but it is okay for her to put this cat out to bother me and the other tenants....

Last night it all came to a head....the cat walked into Kevins house.  She heard him meowing and came down and accused Kevin of stealing her cat....she accused Kevin of banging on her door, breaking into her apartment, etc.....THEN SHE SAID SHE IS GONNA HAVE SOMEONE COME OVER AND BUST HIM UP...SHE THREATENED HIM.  He called the police and filed a report.  The police came and just before they got here, she had left in her car (she has no drivers license, no insurance and her tags are expired...she sent me a text that she is bringing "raccoon killer"...I sent the text to Kevin, who in turn gave it to the police and sent the text to our landlord.   She came home while the cops were here, they let her talk...it was all full of lies and deceit....the cop knew that, he called her immature and told her to grow up....

My landlord said she is on a lease, but she is pretty behind in her monthly rent payments...he took the case number of the police report...he also said he supports me and Kevin 100%   he even mentioned that he is looking into evicting her.   And its not just the cat issue, she talks on the phone and over skype to people...everyone can hear her screaming and cussing and arguing all the damn time.  She does not give a shit who hears her....she is so inconsiderate of the other three tenants...we have never complained to our landlord about her loud vocal daily outburst...we just deal with that....but the cat is upsetting the "safe" environment of my upstairs balcony.   If the critters are on the ground, then I have no problem with other animals going after them...its nature....but when her cat, trespasses onto my balcony, my safe place,  and infringes on my life, that is out of line and selfish...I pay rent for my space, I do not pay for her cat to be on my space...

Our landlord had a talk with her 5 days ago, and specifically told her to keep the cat indoors.  She said she would, but 8 hours later, her cat was on my porch, I have video proof...we sent that to Pat.  He called her and said on Monday, take the cat to a rescue, she said she would...then Wednesday, yesterday it all hit the fan....

Boomer and I have to walk by her apartment every time we leave our apartment, we have no choice...is Raccoon Killer, poison?  Is she going to put out poison?  What about Boomer and all the other critters?  I voiced this concern to my landlord as well....he knows she is out of control, and as a landlord he has to be careful in how he evicts her....he is gathering evidence, and hopefully soon, she will be gone!  

She is a walking talking perfect example of the entitled young people of today....no respect for elders, no respect for anyone....its all about her....fuck her.

Kevin was up really late last night with the police and all that, so he called in today to stay home...partly because he is tired and partly to be here in case Laken decides to be a bitch to me....my landlord told me to record anything she says to me...and to be here in case she follows through with her threat to get somebody over here to "bust him up"...I believe the Landlord is also coming over today too.

I have my volunteer thing this morning and a doctors appointment later, so I will be gone much of the day....I am glad Kevin took today off....I need my body guard!

fuck

S

ashamed of my brain

 I have been trying so hard to not trigger my alters.  I have put all their stuff away (out of sight out of mind sort of thing)  I have avoided people places and things that could be a trigger...so basically, I have been hiding out in my apartment....FEAR of being triggered, is leading to fear of community, environment and people...

This is not good....

I wish I could just be me....let my alternate personalities be themselves...I wish I did not have so much shame with this disorder....and that is what it is.  I am so ashamed of me.   I am ashamed of speaking out, I am ashamed of my alters,  they represent a failure in my brain....no matter the cause, it is still a failure of my brain to properly function.

7 does not even try and hide all their smoking...I believe that they are even buying cigarettes, I found a pack hidden in my dresser drawer....7's brand.

My body goes to the store, my body pretends to be Sparrow, my body buys those fucking cigarettes and I have no clue....do you know how that feels?  NO YOU DON'T, ITS SHAMEFUL AND MAKES ME LOOK LIKE A FUCKING LIAR TO THE PUBLIC...

I am ashamed that I cannot control my brain....I do not want to known as "quirky", I want to be known as a stable responsible normal adult, not some weirdo....and DID makes me nothing but a fucking weirdo....

I have so much shame, I don't know where to put it....so it flows into my heart, making me even sicker...

S

Dementia and my family

 Well shit.  My dad is getting worse and worse...John called me and told me that twice dad got lost driving around the city, he got disoriented and confused while he was driving and he had to call John for John to help him back home....

I really feel it is time to take away his drivers license...he not only may drive off to god knows where, or his confusion could cause a traffic accident where either himself or someone else could be hurt or injured...

This is a hard choice and John is hesitant to do it...I get that, my dad is 82 years old, he is declining mentally and has bouts of "anger issues, followed with cussing and being belligerent, one minute and perfectly sane the next...that is a sign of dementia or Alzheimer's.   This hurts my heart so much,  I am glad that I am not there to witness this strong mans dissent into insanity....or dementia...this a man who was a police officer, a US Marshall, a preacher, a judge, an EMT, a security card, a weatherman, a soldier.  He has had a life full of public service and goodness, despite his lies to me about certain things, he is a great man...and to see his mind go, is devastating and I could not handle seeing this....

I really don't care that my mother has dementia, she did nothing with her life but hurt me and others with her vicious religious judgmental tongue...she pushed me aside years and years ago, so I have no real feelings for her one way or another....but my step dad...that is fucking me up inside...I hate this.

Is this how I will end up?  My mother and two of her sisters all have dementia and are in a care facility...does this mean I will have this too?  OMG that scares the fucking crap out of me, who would take care of me?  Certainly not my kids or family, they have made that abundantly clear with their words and behavior towards me....Will Kevin help me?  He is a raging smoker,  and eats fucking crap food...I know he will not be around when I start to get dementia....so I will be so alone, locked up in a facility, a jail, confused and insane....

I am exactly 20 years younger than my mom and step dad...so in less than 20 short years, I may be just like them.....how do I live with that???  What do I do to prepare for this when I will have nobody there for me...no advocate, no one to love me or visit me... 

This I do know, if I am ever diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer's, I will take measures to euthanize myself before my mind completely goes...I will not be a strain on the government to take care of me, I will not be a strain on a family that may or may not want to help me.   I will not be a shell of who I once was....

Watching this nightmare unfold with my mom and dad,  it puts the focus on me...it runs in the family....I am doomed.

And can you imagine having dementia when I have DID?  Will all my alters start behaving wildly?  How does dementia affect them and their memories and behaviors?  OMG  I will present as some wild animal, stark raving mad....NO WAY WILL I LET THAT HAPPEN...NO FUCKING WAY

S

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I do not know what to do or what to say to help her.   I do know that whatever happens to her mind, will happen to all of us.  I do not think she needs to worry or obsess about that.  If, we all start to suffer, I am aware that Sophee will take care of the situation.

Tessa

childless....

 So about 2 weeks ago, I poured my heart out to my daughter.  I told her about my past abuse as a child, the sex trafficking I endured, the lies of my parents, the "real" reason I left her dad...I told her everything...

Then she ghosted me...I finally, yesterday asked her in a text (because she refuses to talk on the phone, or let me fly her here to talk) why she is ghosting me...she responded in a fashion that left me speechless....

She said she was so sorry all that happened to me.  thats it....no questions, no interest in wanting to know more, no interest in the fact that I tried to kill myself, and completely ignored me as to why I did not feel "safe" in Oklahoma....

She went on to rant about her life...how busy she was, how hard her life it.....she turned everything around to be about her.....she does not care or give a rats ass to my mental status...

I am devastated.   I thought she of all my kids, a woman who has been married and divorced twice, a woman who was in a very abusive relationship, a woman whose X husband has stalked her and is now in jail for drug and physical abuse convictions...I thought she would have more empathy for me, and that our shared experiences would bring us closer together....

BOY WAS I WRONG....we are further apart now than ever....

Where did I go wrong?  My kids had the best upbringing...my husband and I were very involved in their life...they lacked nothing, they were loved, adored and cherished, clothed, fed, housed, etc...

I feel like a total failure....a colossal idiot for ever speaking my truth...because no one in my family believes, wants to accept, or even acknowledge my truth...they want to sweep it under the rug and pretend it did not happen...I don't matter, its all about them...

How did my kids end up acting like "entitled brats?"  the fuck??????

My whole life growing up, I wanted to have children, I wanted to give my kids the life I did not get to have, and I did....but for what?  To be rejected and ignored by the very people I raised and loved and did everything for?

Today, I wish I was a childless cat lady...then at least I would not have to deal with the heartache of my kids treating me like nothing more than a means to an end....How much more can I take?  When is heartache too much?

I am beyond sad, the rejection I feel is overwhelming....I don't know what to do, what to say, my life is in shambles, when it comes to my family....I only have one person who has my back..and that is Kevin.  I have a few friends that try and have my back, but they simply cannot comprehend what my heart is going through....the only ones that can, are parents who have been treated the same way by their own kids...anything else is just sympathetic feelings....again, only Kevin has experienced rejection for no fucking reason by two of his kids...he gets it....I feel like Kevin and I are an island...

I am thinking of rewriting my will and taking my kids out of it...they don't deserve anything from me...

S

Happy Birthday Gagey

 Today is September 3rd.  My dead grandsons birthday, he would be 14 this year, if he had lived.

He died on September 1, 2019.  He was diagnosed with Chordoma (an aggressive tumor at the base of his neck on his spine.  Chordomas grow and eventually decapitate or sever the spinal cord, resulting in death.

Gage was diagnosed and only 5 wks later after being diagnosed, he was dead.  Just like that....Saint Judes research hospital said that there was nothing they could do for him...he was too far gone for surgery, radiation or chemo....the tumor was too involved.

So how does that happen?  What were the signs?

For Gage, about a year or so before his death, he started complaining that his neck hurt and that clothes hurt him to wear, so he would not wear shirts....his parents thought this was just a phase, but when it continued, they took him to a counselor to deal with this mental whatever....

When he would act out, probably because of pain..he was punished and treated horribly...I saw this first hand, and had a talk with my son about his heavy handed way in punishment...but I had no clue, like everyone else that Gage was sick.

If his parents had taken him to the doctor from the very start of Gageys "weird" behavior and obsession for not wearing clothes, and his complaining that his neck hurt, the tumor may have been diagnosed early enough for treatment.

However, early detection of a Chordoma in a small child, can be treated, but the tumors always come back...so it would have been years of tumor surgery and debt and pain for Gage....and he may have had another 10 or more years at best of life before the tumor could not be managed.   Chordomas kill,  usually people with Chordomas caught early only life into their late teens or early 20s before succumbing to their death from Chordoma.

Would that have been a good life for Gagey...??? Years of suffering, pain, chemo, surgeries, just to die anyway?   I don't know....

All I know is the universe took my grandson...I believe that him dying so soon, even though at an early age, maybe it was better that way...he died peacefully in his sleep...

From what I have read,  Chordomas are the result of a certain gene that the mother or father carries, it is rare, but it does happen....I asked my son if he was going to have his other three children checked for that gene...he said yes...but I believe they, him and his stupid wife, decided to not have the other kids tested, because they just flat did not want to know...

I kinda get that...but at the same time, I feel they should test their other kids, especially the two boys they have left, Chordoma tends to run in males over females...

I went yesterday to Gageys tree...a White Oak, we planted at a park, at the exact time Gagey was being buried in Oklahoma..The tree is struggling to thrive, just like Gagey struggled to live.I did not go to his funeral...I could not go, I could not be around Deedra, I would have fucking killed her for the way she treated me and even Gagey in the hospital...she made his whole sickness and death about her...the fucking bitch...so I left 2 days before he died.

The last thing I said to GAgey was "I love you baby, sleep well and sweet dreams"...he told me he loved me too.  His last words to me were "I love you too memaw".....

A week or so before his death, I had him write his name on a piece of paper...then I went and got his signature tattooed on my leg with 2 hearts around it...I came back to the hospital and showed Gagey.

I remember him smiling, tracing his name on my leg with his finger, and saying "that is so cool"...

I miss him so much, I miss the young man he would have been...his cousin, Kingston is only a month older than him, and Kingston is turning 14 in October.  Kingston and Gagey were so tight, they were best friends...as I watch Kingston grow up, I am reminded that Gagey will never grow up, and that is a double edged sword.   I love Kingston with all my heart, but him getting older and thriving only reminds me that Gagey is not...and that is so sad...it breaks my heart.

So Happy Birthday Gage.  You are so missed...wherever you are, I will see you soon..our souls will come together..I know that you are at peace, you have no more pain, and that is reassuring.

Fly young man fly....

S

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ally misses him too, they played together all the time when no one was watching.

Tessa

-7

chaos in Oklahoma

 So it has been 5 days since I "spilled my guts" to my daughter.  I have not heard from her at all....

I realize that was alot of information I gave her and that she has to process all of it.   But how long does it take to process what I told her?  It happened to me, long ago and is not currently going on, so how long does she have to think about this?

Does she even believe me?  Has she "fallen out of love" for me?  Does she think I am a liar?  Why hasn't she asked me questions?  

So I am still getting the silent treatment....

On another note,  my dad had another "episode" and was taken to the hospital...he thought he was having a heart attack,  he was not.  But the blood work showed "elevated enzymes"  which may mean he has a heart blockage....3 yrs ago he had open heart surgery for just that, clogged arteries.  He is 82 years old, he does not have a good diet, he takes all types of medications, of course his enzyme level might be elevated, but it does not mean he is having a heart attack...what he had was an "anxiety" attack, which can feel like a heart attack....

He is not on any anti-anxiety meds...he was...but John took him off everything but blood pressure meds and a med for his dizziness from allergies.  That is it....Well no fucking wonder he had an anxiety attack, he is no longer on meds to help with that....

Here is my opinion, and I may be totally off base, but here it is:

My dad wants to die.  He wants the doctors to tell him he has "Alzheimer's, or whatever", it gives him a tangible excuse to feel sorry for himself....an excuse to give up on life....I think he "goes to the emergency room" so much, because he wants something to be terribly wrong with him physically so he can have an excuse  to die or act out....which is what I am thinking he is doing...acting out...

He gets more attention being in a hospital, or emergency room, or doctors office...when he is at Johns house, doing well, he gets no attention and he is lonely.  My brother does not visit him, even though he actually lives blocks away from John house, but he never has the "time" to visit or help John with dad, his dad for gods sake....he can't be bothered...

Me and Suzy live thousands of miles away, and it takes great effort and lots of money and planning and time to get to Oklahoma, but fucking David only lives blocks away...in the same fucking neighborhood...no planning needed, no money needed, fuck...he could walk to Johns house...

David Patrick Rundberg Troutman is nothing but a bum...a lousy excuse for a son, a coward who does not even pay his child support, visit his daughters or grandson, he is a fucking sorry excuse for a brother, son, husband and father....I guess its the Rundberg genetics that make him such a loser, the apple does not fall far from the tree.....sad...

Jim Troutman is my 2nd step dad, he is not my father.  I had a father who died in 2007, we had a loving relationship and he was my FATHER.  Jim, is a good man.  He took care of me and loved me as if I was his own, despite my mothers disdain for me, he tried to do his best...I love him...but,  he is not my father.   He is David and Suzy's father, the only father they have ever known...they do not remember their birth father, he was out of the picture before even elementary school for them...I am the only one that remembers that fucking animal.

So for David to treat his father so atrociously and ignore him, is horrible...but its par for the course for the selfish, spoiled, entitled, sorry excuse for a son, dead beat dad, "golden child".  What a fucking loser he is....I am so sad that my dad, Jim, has come to this realization as well...and I know that must break his heart...no wonder he is struggling...

"when John told me that I needed to come back home and take care of my dad",  I realized that "no I do not...my dad has a son right there, so I do not need to come back."  If I went back then David would never have to do anything in regards to his dad and I will not let him win...me coming back would be a victory for David.....I will not let him win.  I am not going back to Oklahoma.

The chaos in Oklahoma since I left, is proof that "I was doing everything to keep the family together", it was me, all me....and since I left, all that togetherness was gone....they don't know what to do without me...fuck that shit...Its time for all of them to grow up and take the baton...I am done....

My dad is not my responsibility...Its David and Suzys, period dot the end....

So with all that fucking shit going on, and my daughter not responding to me,  is telling about the state of my family...which I am coming to realize, was not my FAMILY at all....

AND to add insult to injury, my bank froze my debit card, because someone tried to use it to buy of all things something for spearfishing...the fuck?  There was a data breach with ATT and a medical center, and my information was released...this is someone who somehow obtained my credit card debit card and tried to use it....so now I have to have another new card sent to me, which they said would take 7-10 business days...so, I cannot use my debit card....This is infuriating to me....fuck, it never fucking ends.....

S

they were never a family to her they used her and controled her so they could get what they wanted I am glad she is gone from there.-7