spilled guts

 So yesterday I mentioned my ears were ringing and I felt off.  I am an empath, and my body and mind can pick up on negative or positive energy shifts in my environment...

That being said,  I got a message from my daughter yesterday.  She said that she is "praying" for me to get saved so we can be together in heaven....this caused me great distress, as she knows I am pagan.  Growing up she thought I was christian, because I played the game I was forced to play by my family and friends.

She has been greatly hurt by me leaving Oklahoma, my husband, and my "faith".  I finally decided to tell her why I was not christian, and why I do not believe in god, satan, heaven and hell and all that mumble jumble fear mongering tactics that christians employ.

Two years ago, I offered to fly her out here to see me.  I wanted to tell her my story in person, but she refused to fly out.  so, I had no choice, and so I told her the truth, over text of all things...she does not talk on the phone, she only texts...

The truth about my viscous horrible abuse as a small child...I told her I was sex trafficked at 16 and my abuser there is now in prison.

I told her about my mother and her abuse and hate of me.  I told her about the lies mom and dad did to get admitted to the Baptist seminary...they denied my existence, to gain admittance...

I told her about having my pets, as a child, murdered in front of me then me being forced to bury them...I told her about my step dad coming into my room at night to molest me, and that the bible I put under my pillow at night, did not save me from the abuse...that Jesus does not love the little children.

I told her exactly why I left her dad...I told her almost everything, except the DID.  But I did tell her that I have acute PTSD/anxiety/disassociation.  Every thing I told her, her dad already knew, yet did nothing to help me but pray...and prayer has done absolutely not a damn fucking thing. 

I told her about the sexual harassment I got in the church she was raised in, by senior staff at that church.

I also told her I did something when I was a college student living on campus,  the same exact thing she did while a college student as well....

THIS WAS ALL TEXT.....she did not respond....

I am sick with anxiety over spilling my guts to her....she will either reject me totally, or she will believe me and still love me and have more understanding of the way I am....

I left my phone with Kevin over night...I am petrified to see if she has responded and what her comments might be....

This all happened the morning my brain shifted...yesterday....my soul knew that that day, yesterday, was going to be very rough....also, a very dear friend of mine, had open heart surgery yesterday as well, and I am so worried about her already, then the text from my daughter....

My sleep last night was fitful...I have been awake now since 3 am....I am so worried, anxious and horrified about telling my daughter all that....she needed to know, but she is still my baby girl...I don't want her to feel sorry for me, or to hate my mother...I just want her to understand just really who her mother is, and what made me.....I am sick to my stomach....

Did I do the right thing in telling her all of this?  My boys do not know, but John does.  

Also, the icing on the cake of yesterday....my dad called me and told me he has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.   I am not sure what to think about that....I don't know what type of test they did on him to come to this diagnosis...but, I know he has been struggling since he almost died last year..and my mother having dementia has been very hard on him as well...he is living with John, and John said that he is not sure that diagnosis is right....so supposedly he is going to look into why and how they came up with this diagnosis.

When I say my dad, Jim is my 2nd step father....he has been married to my mother since 1973, he adopted me into his name, Troutman, when I was 14 and he has been dad to me all that time.  My birth father died in 2007, so Jim has been my dad ever since in every sense of the word.  He has always been good to me, never abusive, the only issue I have with him is his siding with my mother over my abuse and being complacent in my mothers lies in her letter to the seminary...they both lied to get admitted to the school.  And he is the one who told me "to shut up and never speak about my abuse as a child to my mother again"....but other than that, he is a very good man and has been wonderful to me overall and especially to my children...I do love him very much, despite his lies of omission and taking my mothers side over me....of course he would do that, he is her husband.  I get that.

All of that to say....my empath abilities are wonderful and horrific at the same time....and I knew when I woke up yesterday and my brain shifted, that something would happen to me and I would be forced to defend myself....my soul is never wrong....

I am scared of her reaction...I feel so detached from my body right now...like I know what is going on, but it is far away....I feel far away, looking in and watching the drama unfold...I knew it was coming, I wanted to do it in person, but everyone refuses to come and see me...and when I am in Oklahoma, everyone is around, and Taryn never has time to be with me alone...she is too busy...so it is never the right time to talk to any of them....

I don't know if Tessa is helping me right this...because I can see my fingers typing, but they seem off to me...I feel off....I guess it is the fear in my heart, my mothers heart.

S

Tessa