Servant Sparrow.

 It been a couple of days since I last blogged.  It has been the days of hell...shit.

First off, my "less than one year old, new computer" crashed.  I was so upset thinking I had lost all my stuff, the last 6 years of my life...I was devastated.  Kevin retrieved all the data off my laptop and transferred them to a new computer that includes a back up disc or whatever.  But the stuff I put on the new computer that was not on my laptop, will very well be gone, and that depresses me more than anything.  Computers are suppose to be "the answered prayer", convenient and safe...well that is a fucking joke, computers are nightmares....My hard drive is still at the computer shop, the dude there is trying to retrieve my stuff, but I do not have high hopes....it is like the last year of my life is gone...flat fucking gone.

Then I talked with John about my dad, and I fucking told John to grow some balls and confront David, who is not helping him at all in caring for dad...and dad is Davids father!  That conversation did not go too well as John just got offended by my language and use of the word "balls" and lectured me about my cussing....fuck him.  Fuck David, fuck Oklahoma.

Then my son calls, Gary, and he is suicidal.  He is having trouble for the guilt he feels for having an affair and leaving Deedra.  Well, if Deedra had been a better wife, mother and care giver, Gary would not have had to seek "love and affection" elsewhere.  I don't blame Gary at all, I blame fucking Deedra.  She is solely to blame.  I told Gary this and to not feel guilty about it.  Of Course his dad, John, is making him feel guilty by throwing the bible at him...fuck John.  I told Gary flat out, that I cheated on dad because, he was a lousy husband, he was a good father and provider, but he scores an "F" on the husband scale....Johns fault I cheated on him, Johns fucking fault that I left him...the blame lays at his feet.

Then I talked with my dad, briefly, but he didn't seem to want to talk with me, he sounded pretty good so that seems like its OK.  He is off all his meds and John says he is more coherent and overall the depression and anxiety is better....fucking medications and pill pusher doctors.  He has an appointment with a geriatric doctor this month...

Then to top it all off, Kevin had his son David for the week.  David is 12 years old and way taller and bigger than me, he is really big for 12 and his voice is starting to change as well.   I like David ok, but I fucking hate his mother, and when David is here, I see his mothers lazy ass entitled behavior in David and that infuriates me.  Kevin breaks his neck doing stuff with David, and David does not help...he has to be told to do stuff.....I asked David to take a bunch of junk to the curb (Kevin was busy finishing up his bed rails) and that I would help him...but David just went and stood by his dad...fucking stood there...WHY?  because David does not respect me as a person, adult or his dads girlfriend.  

That set me off....I guess after David watched his dad finish all the work on his bed (because fucking Jada neglected to tell Kevin that he needed and extra long rail for his mattress)  so if I had said nothing to Kevin about David hauling that junk to the curb, he, Kevin would have had to do it....after I got royally pissed off and flipped both of them off....Kevin told David to take the shit to the curb, which he did.   Because his dad told him too, fuck me.   Later David and Kevin pulled weeds and vines off the house and did a good job.   David will only do work, if Kevin is right there with him, that way, Kevin does the majority of the work, while David piddles around looking busy....when in reality, Kevin is doing 80% of the shit, David is very well capable of doing.  This pisses me off as my kids worked, I mean really worked...David is lazy like his mother, she does not make him do a fucking thing, even Kevin said his bedroom was a complete disaster mess...I bet the entire house is that way with a fucking lazy bitch mother in Jada.   When David is here, I try and stay away...it is very important that David has all of his fathers attention, I will not insert myself into their dynamic.  I am just the girlfriend, not important.  So I leave them alone and keep to myself.  Kevin says I am his partner, no I am not, I am in no way equal to him, I am his servant and friend at best,  that is all I am.

I remember when I would get to visit with my dad...I remember getting mad when my little brothers or others were with us...I wanted it to be just me and my dad, as I did not get to live with him and my time with him was so brief, I hated sharing him.....that is how I feel when David is here....Kevin does not need to share me with David...this will bring resentment to David in the same way I resented people around when I was with my dad.  Also, Jada has told David that I am "evil" because of my wiccan beliefs...David has told me that himself.  So, if hypocrite Jada wants to be "the hypocritical christian" and bash my beliefs to a young boy....I will not insinuate myself to David....he will learn soon enough that christianity is nothing but a lie and a scam...he only has to look to his mother to see the hypocrisy of christianity.

Kevin and I got into an argument over how much I "hate" Jada, and he threw my "do no harm" wiccan belief back in my face....he essentially said "you are no wiccan".....so I closed up my alter, shut it down...I am no witch....I am nothing.   I have put away all my fucking alters stuff, and now put away my wiccan items....because I don't know who the fuck I am....I am literally a nobody.

I am only good for looking after animals and critters, and cleaning house, doing laundry and being Kevins servant...that is all I am fucking good for....that is my sorry ass life....NOTHING...I am only important if someone needs something of me...that is it.  Period, dot the end.

S