Monday, August 12, 2024

My daughters picture..


 My daughter sent me this photo.  



This is my mother and my dad.  She is living in a dementia facility....I have not seen or heard from my mother since Sept 2019, and that was in the hospital just before Gagey died.  We did not talk, where just in Gageys room together.  I had to focus on all my "feelings of despair" I saved for Gage, and I stuffed my feelings for my mother, for the sake of the family during this horrible time...

The 2 times since Gage death, that I have been in Oklahoma, my mother did not speak to me, nor did she make an effort to come to Johns house, where the kids and grandkids and my dad all came together for my visit.   Whether she hates me, or I am just a blunt reminder of her past, or her guilt, whatever, she will not "be a mother to me".

She never said a word when I was released from the mental hospital for suicidal tendencies, she ignored my journey with brain tumors, she has never been a "mother"....she never reached out to me when I left Oklahoma, has never called me or asked how I am doing...not a fucking word...

So seeing this picture, her physical health for 82 yrs old is excellent, its just her mind is going...I wonder if it ever goes back to the time when she abused and allowed me to be abused as a child...I wonder if her brain can even go back that far...my dad says that she recognizes him and is coherent for awhile, then she meanders away.   He only stays for a visit around 30 minutes...I know it must be hard for him to see her there and she seems to be happy, and my dad is so unhappy...

It is hard to see her too.  I feel conflicted as hell...she is my mother I am suppose to love her, but when I see this picture, to me, she is just a little old lady, a stranger...I feel no love, no kinship, no connection to her at all...Of course, my daughter has no ideal of me and my mothers "struggles", I have never mentioned my childhood to any of my kids...so she thought I would like to have this picture...I thanked her for sending it...but, her sending me this picture...looking into my mothers face, I see my face as we look so much alike, her face is my face in 20 years...will I have her mind too???

My dad looks so lost, so old, so tired....breaks my heart....and he is not even my biological dad, he is my stepfather, but I love him despite everything, I love him....

So I do not know what to do with this picture.....The flood of emotions, memories, what if's, and pretending to love my abusers,  "acting" like the loving daughter, thanking my own daughter for sending this wretched photo to me...the lies by omission I have to live with every single fucking day, the struggle to "live my own life, separate from my family",  dealing with the mental illness that all that horrific abuse and neglect from my mother caused me,  The old lady in that picture smiling and holding my dads hand...is not my mother....I have no mother...

What the fuck am I suppose to do with all these fucking memories and triggers that that one picture has given me...?   I even feel fucking guilt because I cannot love her....or respect her....

I now grapple with accepting the fact that "my past" will always be locked up tight in a closet...and my mother will be loved and adored by family,  while I smile and gag at the same time....

My dad is suffering so bad, mentally, physically, he is breaking down, his heart is bad, he suffers from anxiety and depression, he is lonely, unhappy and retreating into himself,  while my mother is happy flourishing and healthy....

WHY IS IT THE ABUSERS GET TO LIVE, AND BE HAPPY, TAKEN CARE OF AND LOVED BY MANY....? And the rest of us have to accept the brutality of our life because of them, and we suffer psychologically and emotionally every single day...

My horrible and abusive first step dad, lived a long and full life with a military burial....despite his depravity and abuse and alcohol consumption, he was never held accountable, he skated through life with all his crimes conveniently stored away....

and the man who sex trafficked me as a young teenager, is in a cushy mental hospital for the criminally insane...but he is fed, housed, and gets all the comforts that a pig pedophile should never get or deserve.  again, he is locked up for his crimes against children, but not for what he did to me...he skated on that....I guess pedophilia is an excepted mental illness, so he is treated as well as my mother is with her dementia...locked up, but comfortable and thriving.

While their victims suffer the rest of their goddamn lives... I am tired....I am so goddamn tired of dealing with my own mental illness, because of them!!!!!!!

It seems I am the only one doing prison time, a life sentence for their crimes....

Life is not fair, especially to the victims.

S

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I am aware that Sparrow does not want me or anyone else around.  So I have chosen to stay quiet, but this picture was cruel.  It is a cruel reminder of a mother that never was.  I am disappointed that Taryn sent her that picture.  Not disappointed in Taryn, but disappointed for Sparrow.  She tries so hard, to get past her past and live in the moment and focus on her future, then this.   It has canceled all of her progress, and now, with her wanting us to leave her alone, she truly is alone.  It is so hard for me, and the others to watch her decline again, and be able to do nothing.  Her mother is her decline and  I fear for her.

Tessa

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