spilled guts

 So yesterday I mentioned my ears were ringing and I felt off.  I am an empath, and my body and mind can pick up on negative or positive energy shifts in my environment...

That being said,  I got a message from my daughter yesterday.  She said that she is "praying" for me to get saved so we can be together in heaven....this caused me great distress, as she knows I am pagan.  Growing up she thought I was christian, because I played the game I was forced to play by my family and friends.

She has been greatly hurt by me leaving Oklahoma, my husband, and my "faith".  I finally decided to tell her why I was not christian, and why I do not believe in god, satan, heaven and hell and all that mumble jumble fear mongering tactics that christians employ.

Two years ago, I offered to fly her out here to see me.  I wanted to tell her my story in person, but she refused to fly out.  so, I had no choice, and so I told her the truth, over text of all things...she does not talk on the phone, she only texts...

The truth about my viscous horrible abuse as a small child...I told her I was sex trafficked at 16 and my abuser there is now in prison.

I told her about my mother and her abuse and hate of me.  I told her about the lies mom and dad did to get admitted to the Baptist seminary...they denied my existence, to gain admittance...

I told her about having my pets, as a child, murdered in front of me then me being forced to bury them...I told her about my step dad coming into my room at night to molest me, and that the bible I put under my pillow at night, did not save me from the abuse...that Jesus does not love the little children.

I told her exactly why I left her dad...I told her almost everything, except the DID.  But I did tell her that I have acute PTSD/anxiety/disassociation.  Every thing I told her, her dad already knew, yet did nothing to help me but pray...and prayer has done absolutely not a damn fucking thing. 

I told her about the sexual harassment I got in the church she was raised in, by senior staff at that church.

I also told her I did something when I was a college student living on campus,  the same exact thing she did while a college student as well....

THIS WAS ALL TEXT.....she did not respond....

I am sick with anxiety over spilling my guts to her....she will either reject me totally, or she will believe me and still love me and have more understanding of the way I am....

I left my phone with Kevin over night...I am petrified to see if she has responded and what her comments might be....

This all happened the morning my brain shifted...yesterday....my soul knew that that day, yesterday, was going to be very rough....also, a very dear friend of mine, had open heart surgery yesterday as well, and I am so worried about her already, then the text from my daughter....

My sleep last night was fitful...I have been awake now since 3 am....I am so worried, anxious and horrified about telling my daughter all that....she needed to know, but she is still my baby girl...I don't want her to feel sorry for me, or to hate my mother...I just want her to understand just really who her mother is, and what made me.....I am sick to my stomach....

Did I do the right thing in telling her all of this?  My boys do not know, but John does.  

Also, the icing on the cake of yesterday....my dad called me and told me he has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.   I am not sure what to think about that....I don't know what type of test they did on him to come to this diagnosis...but, I know he has been struggling since he almost died last year..and my mother having dementia has been very hard on him as well...he is living with John, and John said that he is not sure that diagnosis is right....so supposedly he is going to look into why and how they came up with this diagnosis.

When I say my dad, Jim is my 2nd step father....he has been married to my mother since 1973, he adopted me into his name, Troutman, when I was 14 and he has been dad to me all that time.  My birth father died in 2007, so Jim has been my dad ever since in every sense of the word.  He has always been good to me, never abusive, the only issue I have with him is his siding with my mother over my abuse and being complacent in my mothers lies in her letter to the seminary...they both lied to get admitted to the school.  And he is the one who told me "to shut up and never speak about my abuse as a child to my mother again"....but other than that, he is a very good man and has been wonderful to me overall and especially to my children...I do love him very much, despite his lies of omission and taking my mothers side over me....of course he would do that, he is her husband.  I get that.

All of that to say....my empath abilities are wonderful and horrific at the same time....and I knew when I woke up yesterday and my brain shifted, that something would happen to me and I would be forced to defend myself....my soul is never wrong....

I am scared of her reaction...I feel so detached from my body right now...like I know what is going on, but it is far away....I feel far away, looking in and watching the drama unfold...I knew it was coming, I wanted to do it in person, but everyone refuses to come and see me...and when I am in Oklahoma, everyone is around, and Taryn never has time to be with me alone...she is too busy...so it is never the right time to talk to any of them....

I don't know if Tessa is helping me right this...because I can see my fingers typing, but they seem off to me...I feel off....I guess it is the fear in my heart, my mothers heart.

S

Tessa

ears that ring...

 So this morning, I was up by 5:30 am.   But as soon as I got out of bed, my ear started to ring...this happens alot...it is not tenuities, it has been happening all my life for no apparent reason and no physical cause.  It is not the brain tumors,  I am not sure why this happens....

But this morning, after the ringing stopped, I literally felt my brain shift, move...and a feeling of intense sadness and despair rolled over me.....now I am on the verge of tears, what the fuck?

Everything in my life is good, Kevin is good, my home is good, my pets are good, my physical health is good, so why the despair?

I feel so strange, disconnected, not really here.   Why?  I feel like I am looking thru a thick pane of glass, I can see, but it is distorted...I can think, but my thoughts are distorted...I can feel, but my feelings feel exaggerated and distorted.

I am scared for today.  I have a very dear friend that is having heart surgery today....maybe the ringing in my ears is from my empathic nature/soul...the universe telling me to keep her in my thoughts, burn candles and speak healing and good health....maybe the ringing is to let me know that today, something bad will happen to me, or my critters, or my friends, or my family....but I feel extremely on edge, nervous and hyper sensitive....

Whatever the reason, I have fear....

S 

Johnson Guttering of Roanoke, VA

 So, our apartment needs chimney and gutter work.  The chimney openings have a type of "netting" or whatever, so that birds and animals do not fall into the chimneys.  Both the chimneys on the top of our apartment need those "nettings" replaced, as a bird fell into my fireplace, and two baby birds fell into my neighbors fire place.  We cannot light our fireplaces as long as the chimneys are uncovered....

So,  Kevin started calling around to find someone to cap the chimney tops and clean out our backed up gutters.  

There was a Hispanic man on our street and told Kevin he would fix our problems for such and such amount...Kevin, wanted to go with a professional for the warranties and stuff so he told him "no thank you".

He went to Angie's List, and found a company called "Johnson Guttering".  The owner came out, looked at the apartment, took pictures, then gave Kevin a quote (so Kevin could tell our landlord).  The landlord said "do it".  A day for the company to come out was set.

They called and said they need to move it to the next week....Kevin said ok, and another appointment day was set for the work to be done.  Then they called again and said "can we do it on Friday?"  again pushing it back...Kevin said ok, they said they would be here Friday by 2 pm.

They never showed, they are not answering Kevins emails, texts or voicemails...they ghosted us.

This fucking white company, fucked with us.  Kevin said he should have let the Hispanic man do the work.  Mexican migrants fucking work....white entitled companies do not....

He has contacted Angies List to lodge a complaint....

What the fuck??!!  \

In Oklahoma we had a bad storm, it tore up our roof.  Everyone in the neighborhood were getting new roofs, Hispanics were getting the roofs replaced in one day...they worked their ass off on all the houses in our neighborhood.   John went with a "white" company with "white" workers....it took them 3 days to finish our roof.....and cost us more.  The white workers took long lunch breaks, many cigarette breaks and left early in the afternoon for the day.    The Hispanic workers  would show up at 7 am and worked until the roof was done.

Everyone says, immigration is stealing "black" jobs, stealing jobs from white Americans.  But when white Americans do shitty work, lazy work, and ghost you....then the problem is not color, its work ethic.  White blue collar workers are lazier than migrants and black people as a rule, as they feel they deserve more money...why?  Well......because they are white???   

My advice, if you need work done on your property...hire a Hispanic company.  They will do the job, do it quickly, and do it correctly.....fuck Johnson Guttering and his little white company.

I hope Johnson Guttering goes bankrupt.

S

Virginia beauty

 In New Mexico,  where I went to school, the town was surrounded by mountains.  On the way to Ruidoso, as you come around a curve up in the mountains,  a large mountain "Old Baldy" appears, seemingly out of nowhere.  It is by The Inn of the Mountain Gods...it is a beautiful place.  I think of that curve and the appearance of that majestic mountain.

Here in Virginia, I live once again, nestled in the mountains.  I live by the airport, and there is a tunnel you have to drive through to go through the airport area.  The tunnel is under a airplane runway.

As I approach that tunnel, going home, as you get to the exit, a huge mountain appears, seemingly out of nowhere...it reminds me so much of that NM mountain.  I love existing that tunnel and seeing that big beautiful mountain.

I have always loved mountains and everything that goes with that.

Every time I drive around this town, go on trail rides, or cruise the Blue Ridge, I am struck by the beauty of mountains, the beauty of the landscape...like a Norman Rockwell painting...simply stunning.  I have to pinch myself at times....it is so beautiful here...especially in the fall....omg, the fall foliage is breath taking.  

I could never "take for granite" this great state of Virginia.  Oklahoma is flat, hot, and boring, all the land is "owned"  so there is no hiking, and all of that...people there, do take it for granite.  I see that here from people who have never seen anything but this town or state....they have no picture of what the rest of the US is like, so they take this place for granite.   

But being raised in the military life,  I have lived all over, but never in the mountains...I have lived along the east coast beach in SC, Texas, California, NM, Oklahoma, and I have to say, hands down that Virginia is the best state.  We get all four seasons,  but we do not get the intense cold and snow like further up the east coast, we do not get tornadoes and horrid storms,  we get rain, which keeps the mountains and landscape green and vibrant.  There are critters everywhere, bear, deer, raccoons, coyotes, you name it and birds galore.  

For me, Virginia is my heaven.  I feel so free and safe here,  I love driving around and I sometimes think I am in a dream...never in my life, have I got to do what I want, when and where I want it, I can breathe.  Plus the history off Virginia is so "everywhere" from the civil war...I love the museums, the national parks all of it.   

Even though this is a confederate state, mostly a red state, I don't care, I get that people live here where their ancestors and relatives lived and died in a civil war...the patriotism for our country is evident every where I go.  It may be misguided because of the conservatism, but it is refreshing....even for a pagan witch like me....I am accepted, not scorned, like in the midwest and southern states.  There is freedom here.

My X husband told me the other day "It is time for you to come home"...well, John, I am home.  Virginia is my home.

S, 7

My daughters picture..

 My daughter sent me this photo.  

This is my mother and my dad.  She is living in a dementia facility....I have not seen or heard from my mother since Sept 2019, and that was in the hospital just before Gagey died.  We did not talk, where just in Gageys room together.  I had to focus on all my "feelings of despair" I saved for Gage, and I stuffed my feelings for my mother, for the sake of the family during this horrible time...

The 2 times since Gage death, that I have been in Oklahoma, my mother did not speak to me, nor did she make an effort to come to Johns house, where the kids and grandkids and my dad all came together for my visit.   Whether she hates me, or I am just a blunt reminder of her past, or her guilt, whatever, she will not "be a mother to me".

She never said a word when I was released from the mental hospital for suicidal tendencies, she ignored my journey with brain tumors, she has never been a "mother"....she never reached out to me when I left Oklahoma, has never called me or asked how I am doing...not a fucking word...

So seeing this picture, her physical health for 82 yrs old is excellent, its just her mind is going...I wonder if it ever goes back to the time when she abused and allowed me to be abused as a child...I wonder if her brain can even go back that far...my dad says that she recognizes him and is coherent for awhile, then she meanders away.   He only stays for a visit around 30 minutes...I know it must be hard for him to see her there and she seems to be happy, and my dad is so unhappy...

It is hard to see her too.  I feel conflicted as hell...she is my mother I am suppose to love her, but when I see this picture, to me, she is just a little old lady, a stranger...I feel no love, no kinship, no connection to her at all...Of course, my daughter has no ideal of me and my mothers "struggles", I have never mentioned my childhood to any of my kids...so she thought I would like to have this picture...I thanked her for sending it...but, her sending me this picture...looking into my mothers face, I see my face as we look so much alike, her face is my face in 20 years...will I have her mind too???

My dad looks so lost, so old, so tired....breaks my heart....and he is not even my biological dad, he is my stepfather, but I love him despite everything, I love him....

So I do not know what to do with this picture.....The flood of emotions, memories, what if's, and pretending to love my abusers,  "acting" like the loving daughter, thanking my own daughter for sending this wretched photo to me...the lies by omission I have to live with every single fucking day, the struggle to "live my own life, separate from my family",  dealing with the mental illness that all that horrific abuse and neglect from my mother caused me,  The old lady in that picture smiling and holding my dads hand...is not my mother....I have no mother...

What the fuck am I suppose to do with all these fucking memories and triggers that that one picture has given me...?   I even feel fucking guilt because I cannot love her....or respect her....

I now grapple with accepting the fact that "my past" will always be locked up tight in a closet...and my mother will be loved and adored by family,  while I smile and gag at the same time....

My dad is suffering so bad, mentally, physically, he is breaking down, his heart is bad, he suffers from anxiety and depression, he is lonely, unhappy and retreating into himself,  while my mother is happy flourishing and healthy....

WHY IS IT THE ABUSERS GET TO LIVE, AND BE HAPPY, TAKEN CARE OF AND LOVED BY MANY....? And the rest of us have to accept the brutality of our life because of them, and we suffer psychologically and emotionally every single day...

My horrible and abusive first step dad, lived a long and full life with a military burial....despite his depravity and abuse and alcohol consumption, he was never held accountable, he skated through life with all his crimes conveniently stored away....

and the man who sex trafficked me as a young teenager, is in a cushy mental hospital for the criminally insane...but he is fed, housed, and gets all the comforts that a pig pedophile should never get or deserve.  again, he is locked up for his crimes against children, but not for what he did to me...he skated on that....I guess pedophilia is an excepted mental illness, so he is treated as well as my mother is with her dementia...locked up, but comfortable and thriving.

While their victims suffer the rest of their goddamn lives... I am tired....I am so goddamn tired of dealing with my own mental illness, because of them!!!!!!!

It seems I am the only one doing prison time, a life sentence for their crimes....

Life is not fair, especially to the victims.

S

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I am aware that Sparrow does not want me or anyone else around.  So I have chosen to stay quiet, but this picture was cruel.  It is a cruel reminder of a mother that never was.  I am disappointed that Taryn sent her that picture.  Not disappointed in Taryn, but disappointed for Sparrow.  She tries so hard, to get past her past and live in the moment and focus on her future, then this.   It has canceled all of her progress, and now, with her wanting us to leave her alone, she truly is alone.  It is so hard for me, and the others to watch her decline again, and be able to do nothing.  Her mother is her decline and  I fear for her.

Tessa

Andre, the mighty giant Avian.

 The other day, I was sitting on my balcony and I heard a buzzing sound...I looked up and saw a Hummingbird, buzzing around where the hummingbird feeder use to hang...(I hung it in another place on my balcony this year), as I was watching this little tiny bird buzz around, he came to within a foot of my face and just stayed there looking at me, for a really long time....it was like he was saying "what did you do with my feeder?), then he flew off.

I immediately took the feeder down, put fresh sugar water in it, and rehung it up in its original spot.

I did not see the hummingbird after that...until....

Then a few days later, the hurricane Debby, started coming through our area, the wind and rain was coming down hard, I mean really hard...I wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and stepped out onto my balcony to watch (hoping a tree branch didn't fall down on our cars), I was getting wet from the blowing wind...there were no critters or birds around, they were all hunkering down in their nests waiting for the storm to pass...

As I was standing there, I looked towards my little Hummingbird feeder, and was fucking shocked!   There in the midst of blinding rain, very strong winds, was my hummingbird, getting a drink from the feeder.  He drank for a long time, the wind and rain and torment of the hurricane did not affect this little tiny bird, at all.....

For some strange reason,  I felt connected to that little humminbird...in the midst of the storm, there he was going on with his life, getting a long drink, oblivious to the commotion of the weather.

This is inspiring....so much is going on in this world, so much adversity, hate, violence, global warming wars, etc...people are taking sides, its horrible...but amongst the storm, the tiniest of birds, stood firm and let the chaos go on around him, yet still was himself.  Flapping his wings at lightening speed and living his life to the fullest.

We all should take note, we are nothing but the tiniest of mammals in comparison to the vastness of our world and universe...we are no bigger than that tiny hummingbird.  

The tiniest of birds, withstood the angst of a huge storm, he flew against winds that should have blown him to kingdom come, yet he navigated the storm with precision and accuracy...fought against the winds and continued to live his life.  

When all the other birds were hiding and hunkering down in their nests to avoid the weather and conditions of the moment....the littlest of birds was standing up, flying against the wind and battering rain...a true hero of birds..A giant among the Avian species, fearless!

Humans could take a lesson from this bird....

I named that tiny little hummingbird, "Andre"....a giant among birds, the biggest bird of all, the toughest and most resilient of birds. 

S

Servant Sparrow.

 It been a couple of days since I last blogged.  It has been the days of hell...shit.

First off, my "less than one year old, new computer" crashed.  I was so upset thinking I had lost all my stuff, the last 6 years of my life...I was devastated.  Kevin retrieved all the data off my laptop and transferred them to a new computer that includes a back up disc or whatever.  But the stuff I put on the new computer that was not on my laptop, will very well be gone, and that depresses me more than anything.  Computers are suppose to be "the answered prayer", convenient and safe...well that is a fucking joke, computers are nightmares....My hard drive is still at the computer shop, the dude there is trying to retrieve my stuff, but I do not have high hopes....it is like the last year of my life is gone...flat fucking gone.

Then I talked with John about my dad, and I fucking told John to grow some balls and confront David, who is not helping him at all in caring for dad...and dad is Davids father!  That conversation did not go too well as John just got offended by my language and use of the word "balls" and lectured me about my cussing....fuck him.  Fuck David, fuck Oklahoma.

Then my son calls, Gary, and he is suicidal.  He is having trouble for the guilt he feels for having an affair and leaving Deedra.  Well, if Deedra had been a better wife, mother and care giver, Gary would not have had to seek "love and affection" elsewhere.  I don't blame Gary at all, I blame fucking Deedra.  She is solely to blame.  I told Gary this and to not feel guilty about it.  Of Course his dad, John, is making him feel guilty by throwing the bible at him...fuck John.  I told Gary flat out, that I cheated on dad because, he was a lousy husband, he was a good father and provider, but he scores an "F" on the husband scale....Johns fault I cheated on him, Johns fucking fault that I left him...the blame lays at his feet.

Then I talked with my dad, briefly, but he didn't seem to want to talk with me, he sounded pretty good so that seems like its OK.  He is off all his meds and John says he is more coherent and overall the depression and anxiety is better....fucking medications and pill pusher doctors.  He has an appointment with a geriatric doctor this month...

Then to top it all off, Kevin had his son David for the week.  David is 12 years old and way taller and bigger than me, he is really big for 12 and his voice is starting to change as well.   I like David ok, but I fucking hate his mother, and when David is here, I see his mothers lazy ass entitled behavior in David and that infuriates me.  Kevin breaks his neck doing stuff with David, and David does not help...he has to be told to do stuff.....I asked David to take a bunch of junk to the curb (Kevin was busy finishing up his bed rails) and that I would help him...but David just went and stood by his dad...fucking stood there...WHY?  because David does not respect me as a person, adult or his dads girlfriend.  

That set me off....I guess after David watched his dad finish all the work on his bed (because fucking Jada neglected to tell Kevin that he needed and extra long rail for his mattress)  so if I had said nothing to Kevin about David hauling that junk to the curb, he, Kevin would have had to do it....after I got royally pissed off and flipped both of them off....Kevin told David to take the shit to the curb, which he did.   Because his dad told him too, fuck me.   Later David and Kevin pulled weeds and vines off the house and did a good job.   David will only do work, if Kevin is right there with him, that way, Kevin does the majority of the work, while David piddles around looking busy....when in reality, Kevin is doing 80% of the shit, David is very well capable of doing.  This pisses me off as my kids worked, I mean really worked...David is lazy like his mother, she does not make him do a fucking thing, even Kevin said his bedroom was a complete disaster mess...I bet the entire house is that way with a fucking lazy bitch mother in Jada.   When David is here, I try and stay away...it is very important that David has all of his fathers attention, I will not insert myself into their dynamic.  I am just the girlfriend, not important.  So I leave them alone and keep to myself.  Kevin says I am his partner, no I am not, I am in no way equal to him, I am his servant and friend at best,  that is all I am.

I remember when I would get to visit with my dad...I remember getting mad when my little brothers or others were with us...I wanted it to be just me and my dad, as I did not get to live with him and my time with him was so brief, I hated sharing him.....that is how I feel when David is here....Kevin does not need to share me with David...this will bring resentment to David in the same way I resented people around when I was with my dad.  Also, Jada has told David that I am "evil" because of my wiccan beliefs...David has told me that himself.  So, if hypocrite Jada wants to be "the hypocritical christian" and bash my beliefs to a young boy....I will not insinuate myself to David....he will learn soon enough that christianity is nothing but a lie and a scam...he only has to look to his mother to see the hypocrisy of christianity.

Kevin and I got into an argument over how much I "hate" Jada, and he threw my "do no harm" wiccan belief back in my face....he essentially said "you are no wiccan".....so I closed up my alter, shut it down...I am no witch....I am nothing.   I have put away all my fucking alters stuff, and now put away my wiccan items....because I don't know who the fuck I am....I am literally a nobody.

I am only good for looking after animals and critters, and cleaning house, doing laundry and being Kevins servant...that is all I am fucking good for....that is my sorry ass life....NOTHING...I am only important if someone needs something of me...that is it.  Period, dot the end.

S