quandary

 I am tired....I had a fitful sleep, lots of dreams, lots of waking up...so I am  very tired today.

My mind is so unsettled...I simply do not know how to address the issues that are tormenting my head.  Its not the fucking DID, its the reality of dealing with betrayal...

My entire family has betrayed me, more than once.  I have had friends I knew for over 30 yrs betray me, after I left John...

Betrayal feeds feelings of insecurity, rejection and self doubt.  Which are all horrible emotions to have to work through.....I have spent the last 6 years learning to trust in others, letting my guard down and investing my precious trust in a place I felt was finally safe.  Only again, I placed my trust in the wrong spot.

How do I get trust back?  I know if I was to describe just how my "safety and trust" was disregarded,  it would sound so stupid and trite...but the fact is, I trusted, I explicitly asked them to not do something, and they did it anyway without a fucking thought to how I feel about it, totally ignoring my concerns. I will not describe the incident here, but it was enough to upset my entire being.

I am so fucking tired of being jerked around, not heard, and fucking invalidated.  Just because one person thinks something, does not mean the other persons thinks or feels the same way..

I felt my privacy was violated....I felt it was left open for the world...

Just remember this:  EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU CAN ABSOLUTELY TRUST SOMEONE 100%,  your trust can and will be shattered.  There is no fucking way a person or persons can be trusted completely, no matter what they say, what they do, etc...

there is no real trust...not anywhere....I have finally learned my lesson.  And that lesson is this:

Never believe anyone when they say they will "do something" or "not tell anyone"...right there they are lying.  Because for whatever reason, they will break that bond of trust, its inevitable.

Now I am in a quandary...if I talk to this person/s, they will explain away why they did what they did, they will rationalize their behavior in a way that will make me feel like a fucking fool....and they will make me feel stupid for feeling the way I do, they will try and reassure me it will never happen again, they will say they are sorry but, it will happen again, they will try and pacify me, yet it keeps happening even after conversations....

Why?  because what I think or feel or want or need is stupid and ridiculous...and they know better...of course they do, I don't know shit because I have DID and any reaction I have about something is not about ME, ITS ABOUT THEM, SO IT DOESN'T COUNT.  ITS ABOUT THEM INFLUENCING MY FEARS.  SO, SPARROW REALLY DOESN'T MATTER TO THEM....

I am so tired, emotionally, physically, psychologically, mentally and every other way imaginable....

BETRAYAL OF TRUST IS A DEATH SENTENCE...I feel like I might as well be strapped on a table and eliminated...my pleas go unheard...like me.

I hate what is happening, I hate how much my heart is crying, I hate the fact of this particular betrayal, because its on the heels of catching the "lie", and "my fears about certain things...fuck"  I even found out this particular betrayal after it had been going on for days....and it was a fucking fluke I found out, and if I hadn't had found out, it would go on and on and on, until devastation hit and I would be humiliated beyond comprehension....

I am not safe.

S

told you so-7