no more DID

 Ok, so here is the deal.  

The other night, Kevin and I were talking, and he said something that really got me to thinking and realizing just how hard it is for him to know exactly "who" is talking and saying what....that gave me pause.  He is right.

I watched a DID video that said, "if you can, try and do all you are able to avoid triggers, that could trigger out another alter."  Some triggers, obviously you can not avoid, but so many I can.  There are good triggers, but they are triggers, nonetheless.

For instance, all the fucking toys I have for Ally,  the other items for the other alters, etc...all these are out in the open and constant triggers.  I can't have that.  If I am to be a "whole" person, I cannot allow any thing to trigger them, positive or negative...I have to do all I can to stop or curb triggers.

So, I am systematically getting rid of or packing away all the items that cause triggers.   I am getting rid of all the toys, books, clothing etc, that is not for me "Sparrow".

I asked Kevin to take down our Sparrowisms Youtube page, as that is all about what I am now trying to avoid.  He did as I asked.  We no longer have that page.

This will be my last blog that mentions DID.  

I went years and years not even knowing I had it, and nobody in my life ever thought anything more about me and my behavior other than, just "quirky".

So, I am going back to that time...I am going to erase all reminders of my disorder.  I am not in denial, but I am going to not speak about it, or do anything that will encourage an alter to front.  That includes, Ally and all her fucking toys and stuffies.  I have already started packing shit up.

Hopefully, those of you and others who know of my DID, will quickly forget, and I can be respected and validated for me....Sparrow.  I am the host,  and I will fix my own issues, my way.

I am no longer going to speak of it,  it was hidden my whole life, so now I am hiding it again.   Putting it back in the closet, to stay.

I have already asked Kevin to "not tell me, when an alter fronts", I just don't want to know, never again and he has honored my request.  So, as far as I am concerned it is all me all the time (I do not know when they are out, because of the amnesia) and I don't want to know.

Ignorance is bliss.  I am no longer going to follow other DID systems.  I am no longer going to get my therapy from the CTAD Clinic and doctor Mike.  I will no longer watch his videos.

Knowing I have DID has been way worse than not knowing...trying to accept it, and foster a relationship with alters is exhausting frustrating and makes me more angry than not.....

I don't even fucking care about my childhood and what spawned the DID,  as far as I am concerned, it was in another life, somebody else....Also, I am going to deny my DID.  If Trump can deny he is a convicted felon, then I can deny DID.  I will be a liar in that respect.  

If I am to have a relationship that is meaningful, complete and a partnership, I simply cannot do anything to encourage the alters,  I have to deny them, and pretend.....I know that that might cause inner conflict and turmoil, but they will get over it....fuck them

I am Sparrow only.   The others are dead to me.

S