blurry

 I have not posted in awhile.  So much has been going on, and I am emotionally all over the damn place.

Mostly it is my dad and family.  He is home from the hospital, staying with my X, but John is having problems with my dad...mostly his anxiety and lack of doing anything...John says he just sits in a chair all day, and when he uses the bathroom, he pees all over the floor...This saddens me, my dad use to be a very busy active guy with lots of hobbies, now he is just a shell of who he use to be, and I fear, John and my brother and sister are getting tired of having to "watch" and take care of him.

This stresses me out so much, because they all feel I should be there taking care of him, that I am the only one who understands his depression and shit...and also, they just don't want to be bothered.  At least John is trying, and my dad is not even his family....They all seem to forget that dad is not my biological father.  I had a father that I loved and loved me...but everyone conveniently tries to forget that fact.

Evidently my mom is doing great at the dementia place.  She has made friends and is very healthy physically, its just her mind is going...

Besides all that family drama,  I have been very emotionally messed up with other issues as well....we are archiving our Sparrowisms page.  The page was set up to help educate people on DID, bring awareness to the condition.  But it seems people only want to see the "switch circus side show"...I see other DID videos where they switch on camera and it seems so theatrical, but their views and likes are very high...people don't want education, they want a show.  I flat refuse to do a show...so because of low views and lack of comments or questions or a real interest in learning about DID, we are shuttling the page.   

This upsets me because,  I have DID.  Not by choice...and having this disorder is so fucking hard, the lost time, the confusion and frustration is astronomical, and I thought that by addressing my DID and sharing my story with others would actually help me be more accepting of my diagnosis.  This has not happened, and I feel like a dismal failure....I failed in yet again another endeavor.

Because of my depression, family, failed You Tube page, and being cooped up in my apartment all day, I have been picking fights with Kevin....he has done nothing, but he is there and he is all I have to rage at....he is my punching bag.  How horrible is that, the one person I love most in this world, I continually "punch"...I suck.

I am alone all the time.  Yes, I have all my critters, and I have a good place to live in a state I love and my family drama is far away...but I am still alone...being alone all the time is not a good place to be, because I will get into my head and start overthinking, then I am a disaster...

When I did not know I had DID, I seemed to have lots of friends, places to go and do, seems like my life was more fun....now, knowing I have this fucking fucked up disorder, I am so self-conscious, second guessing myself, constantly looking at clocks,  that my fear of being "outed" or "switching" in public is almost paralyzing.  I am embarrassed and ashamed of having DID.

Why is that?  Why is it that the DID person is the one persecuted and shamed...Why aren't the abusers ever held accountable, why aren't they shamed and persecuted???  This angers me, and in my anger I can turn to rage in an instant, and nobody wants to see that side of me....the PTSD side...the out of control anger side....

I know that one day, Kevin will have had enough of me and my "all over the damn place behavior"...we are not married, and he has no reason to stay, he is free to go at anytime.  He says that he loves me, and I believe he does, but there is a limit to love......and one day, he will reach his limit.   Why? because of the unpredictability of DID, triggers and PTSD attacks,  they can come completely out of left field and leave him wondering "the fuck?"....I hate that...I hate that this happens, and I hate that I cannot control my "triggers"....I am out of control, period.

So, this is where I am at today.....suspended in a sort of space that is not real...every word and image is somewhat blurred, and reality is blurred as well...

S