no more DID

 Ok, so here is the deal.  

The other night, Kevin and I were talking, and he said something that really got me to thinking and realizing just how hard it is for him to know exactly "who" is talking and saying what....that gave me pause.  He is right.

I watched a DID video that said, "if you can, try and do all you are able to avoid triggers, that could trigger out another alter."  Some triggers, obviously you can not avoid, but so many I can.  There are good triggers, but they are triggers, nonetheless.

For instance, all the fucking toys I have for Ally,  the other items for the other alters, etc...all these are out in the open and constant triggers.  I can't have that.  If I am to be a "whole" person, I cannot allow any thing to trigger them, positive or negative...I have to do all I can to stop or curb triggers.

So, I am systematically getting rid of or packing away all the items that cause triggers.   I am getting rid of all the toys, books, clothing etc, that is not for me "Sparrow".

I asked Kevin to take down our Sparrowisms Youtube page, as that is all about what I am now trying to avoid.  He did as I asked.  We no longer have that page.

This will be my last blog that mentions DID.  

I went years and years not even knowing I had it, and nobody in my life ever thought anything more about me and my behavior other than, just "quirky".

So, I am going back to that time...I am going to erase all reminders of my disorder.  I am not in denial, but I am going to not speak about it, or do anything that will encourage an alter to front.  That includes, Ally and all her fucking toys and stuffies.  I have already started packing shit up.

Hopefully, those of you and others who know of my DID, will quickly forget, and I can be respected and validated for me....Sparrow.  I am the host,  and I will fix my own issues, my way.

I am no longer going to speak of it,  it was hidden my whole life, so now I am hiding it again.   Putting it back in the closet, to stay.

I have already asked Kevin to "not tell me, when an alter fronts", I just don't want to know, never again and he has honored my request.  So, as far as I am concerned it is all me all the time (I do not know when they are out, because of the amnesia) and I don't want to know.

Ignorance is bliss.  I am no longer going to follow other DID systems.  I am no longer going to get my therapy from the CTAD Clinic and doctor Mike.  I will no longer watch his videos.

Knowing I have DID has been way worse than not knowing...trying to accept it, and foster a relationship with alters is exhausting frustrating and makes me more angry than not.....

I don't even fucking care about my childhood and what spawned the DID,  as far as I am concerned, it was in another life, somebody else....Also, I am going to deny my DID.  If Trump can deny he is a convicted felon, then I can deny DID.  I will be a liar in that respect.  

If I am to have a relationship that is meaningful, complete and a partnership, I simply cannot do anything to encourage the alters,  I have to deny them, and pretend.....I know that that might cause inner conflict and turmoil, but they will get over it....fuck them

I am Sparrow only.   The others are dead to me.

S

chimney bird

 Last evening I was watching a show on TV and I kept hearing a weird noise...at first I thought is was distant thunder, it was not, then I thought, okay its the sound track of the movie I am watching...it wasn't.  

I turned off the sound and sat and listened for the weird fluttering...it was in my chimney....a bird had fallen into the chimney and was trying to get out...I was so upset...

Kevin, after he got home from work, opened my flue, and we could see the bird inside the upper portion of the chimney....I put Boomer in the back room and shut the door...I opened my front door and sliding doors wide open, and Kevin used a broom handle to coax the bird out, the handle made it impossible for the bird to flap his wings, so he fell into the bottom wear the logs are...from there the bird took flight all over my living room, eventually making it out the door and to freedom.

Last year this happened to my neighbor next door with her chimney.  Nobody can light their fires while critters are able to fall into the chimneys...this means that the netting or whatever that covers the openings are not there...today, a guy is suppose to come over and fly a drone over the apartment to look at the tops of the chimneys and our gutters (which flood and back up when it rains)...

geez, its always somethng.

I have a thickening or bump on my bottom rib, I had Kevin feel it, and it hurts so bad to touch it....I think the rib is actually broken, not just swollen and bruised, after all this time, a bruised rib swelling would have gone down.

I probably should get an Xray, but I just fucking don't want to spend the money...a rib cannot really be set, and I do not feel like it is poking or fucking with anything inside me...its just broke or cracked....

John texted me last night, saying that dad is not doing good and that he would call me later...he did not call.  Maybe he will call today, or maybe he won't...whatever...I really have washed my hands of the whole ordeal, I am 1000 miles away and can't do anything anyway, and my sis and bro, don't want me involved at all, which is evident because they NEVER call me or anything, only John keeps me updated, which is fucking sad, because my dad is not even his family....but being the good guy he is, he is basically taking care of somebody elses family member....my brother lives right there only a couple of blocks away, he lives in my dads home, but him and his wife cannot be bothered to take care of his father...which is so fucking sad and selfish on their parts.....oh well, their decision.  After all, Jim, my step dad, is not my father at all, I had a loving caring father who died.....Jim is their loving and caring father, he is all they have ever known, even though he is their step father too....

Its raining today...which is good, we need some good soaking rains as we are in a drought.

I really hope no more birds fall down my chimney flue...that was very stressful for me and for my little...I could feel her, being all scared and anxious...

S

Smile

 I finally got some sleep....the pain is still there, but it seems to be lessening some...I have been so careful to let my body rest and heal....I have no patience for pain,  maybe this is the universes way of forcing me to be patient, or to practice patience. 

Either way,  having busted or bruised ribs is absolutely no fun, and probably the worse pain to have to endure..you can't cough, laugh, take a deep breath, tightening your stomach muscles to even get up from a sitting position results in a sharp stabbing pain....ugh....

Also, I have noticed that I simply do not "bounce back" anymore, I guess that is age, and fuck, I don't have time to be down!   I hate this.   I feel so bad for Kevin who feels so guilty for being careless and it resulting in me getting injured and him walking away, unscathed...but, it is what it is...I know that he would have much rather been the one hurt than me...I know that.  I am not upset with him, I was, but now I am not.   

Getting 9 hours of sleep last night has started to part the clouds of depression that were covering me...I hope those clouds continue to dissipate.  

Depression paralyzes me....and it also triggers out alters that I don't want out, especially Sophee......

So today,  I am going to try and see the sky through the clouds...I have a hair appointment and have to run a couple of errands...I will manage the pain, best I can, and smile for the world.

S

The United States of Hypocrasy

 So since Trump was shot at, facebook and the internet has become awash with bullshit.

People I thought were "thoughtful, considerate of others, and fair minded" have shown their true colors...they are hateful Trump maga idiots.  

My Jeepers friends are by and large, Trumpsters.  However, at events, other than their jeeps flying Trump flags, they keep their mouths shut, and so does few Biden and Independent voters...but on facebook, their true colors are coming out.

I have decided to leave facebook until after the election....I am sick to death of all the in fighting and bullying, on both sides...this is ridiculous.

I hate Trump!   I make that obvious on my page, but what is telling, is that my posts, my fact checked posts, are only liked or read by a couple of people...so that tells me, everyone is a Trumpster, or they are too afraid to voice an opinion...which is what is exactly wrong with Americans today...They don't want to be bullied or offend anyone...wishy washy fence riders...people afraid to voice their real feelings or thoughts in public because of what others may think....fuck that shit

I have no room in my life for luke warm friends.

I have no one except for Kevin, to really talk to about this nation, the upcoming election and the issues being addressed.   NOBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THAT...A BUNCH OF FUCKING COWARDS.

When I do reach out, to someone, talk about how I feel about Trump or any other political issue, my comments are ignored...so all the conversations are about mundane stupid shit...that is not a friendship, that is an acquaintanceship.  A good friendship, actually talk about real life issues, not car problems or whatever...that is just filler talk.   I am not a gossiper, I am not a mundane talker.   

This blog is all I have to vent my real concerns, my real issues, my opinions, but the blog doesn't talk back...it does not engage me in conversation, it is really useless.   Just like my facebook posts, no one interacts back, no one engages in thoughtful conversation...everyone is cowards.  Even Kevin does not engage my conversation, unless I "ask" him too, then he engages me, with his opinions on my page, but I have to ask him too....so, that is another reason, I am for now leaving facebook....everyone on there are hypocrites, or afraid of "what someone might think of them", fear...the fucking Trump agenda......

I am not some silly house wife, or mouse, or insignificant woman.  I will not play that game either.  Men can talk to their friends about politics, but trying to talk with a female friend, only leads to "silly girl talk."....

If the reason I have no close girlfriends is the fact that I have a voice and opinion, and will not engage in mindless numbing chatter and gossip, about insignificant things....I am simply just not that way.  I am a fighter, and I refuse to sit down and shut up...Trump is a threat to our future, I will NEVER back down from that or be silent...and if that alienates me from my "republican friends", then so be it...they were never really my friends to begin with.

I realize now, that I have no voice on facebook or anywhere....Facebook is not a place for politics, yet that is all that is on there, and everyone wants to argue and fight and just be plain mean....bully, Trumpsters are nothing but bullies.   I am not saying republicans are bullies, only the Maga Trumpsters, and sadly people I thought were educated, open minded, fact checking honest republicans, have shown their true colors in the wake of this horrible division of our country.

They have shown it through their posts, their memes, or even their non-voice.  Saying nothing about Trump, his lies, his felony convictions, his bullying techniques, name calling, etc...is supporting trump.  Where is the outrage of Trumps character among the "christians"?   again, hypocrites.   

This should be the new Mantra for America.

THE UNITED STATES OF HYPOCRASY...

S

Trump was lucky, thats it....

 I watched in horror as someone tried to kill Trump.  But instead successfully killed an innocent bystander.  

But all I read is "Thank God, Trump was spared", "Its a miracle from God that Trump was not killed", "Praying for Trump"..blah blah blah

So if this was a "miracle", then why did this so called god, let the fireman be killed...this fireman was a christian, went to church every sunday, a good man, yet obviously not good enough for god.......

What has trump done that is worth "saving"?  He instigated this whole assassination attempt, with his violent speech....just look at his record?  He made fun of Nancy Pelosi's husband when he was attacked...he calls people names, refuses to admit to his own guilt, even though he is now a convicted criminal...he does not go to church every sunday, in fact, he cannot even quote one fucking bible verse...yet "GOD" protected him?????

This is a violent hateful god if you ask me....But this again, proves, there is no god, no supreme being, no holy fucking shit, the bible is just a book of fiction and opinions....not the holy grail....I love how god lets all these children and innocents in Gaza be killed and starved to death...why?  Because they are muslim??? Well their god is also the god of Abraham, just like the christian god...but Christians only believe that their religion is real....How is that?  All over the world, people believe differently, only a small portion are actually Christian....how can their belief system be "wrong"?  

It was just dumb luck that Trump wasn't killed...not gods intervention...fuck that shit.

Then what does Trump do immediately after the incident?  He addresses the crowd and screams "fight fight fight"...echoing his words on Jan 6th, inciting more violence...this is Trumps mantra...

If anybody is to blame for this circus show, it should be the Secret Service for not doing their job, period.  It was their responsibility to protect Trump and the spectators from a shooter...they failed.  But God is good, Trump was spared, while others were killed and wounded, but god didn't give a shit for them....

They also say "Trump is a Martyr"....excuse me? Martyr's are dead, they died for their cause....Trump is nothing but a would be dictator, serial rapist, liar, cheater and all around hypocrite, this is not the definition of a Martyr, this is the definition of a bad person, period....certainly not a christian....

S

suffering in silence

 So Kevin and I ended up going to Jeep Night at the pub in Lynchburg.  We had a very fun time...I love being around other Jeepers (even though most are Trump fans) but politics is not spoken about at these events...some of the Jeeps had Trump flags on them but that is all...which is nice, because not ALL Jeepers are Maga, but we are all Jeepers.

I took 800 mg of Ibuprofen before we left so I wouldn't have as much pain, from the bruised ribs...so I felt pretty good, even danced some...the weather was perfect and we had such a fantastic time.

But, today, two days after the event, I am in so much pain, omg.....I hurt to breathe, twist my body or even fucking walk....I am starting to wonder if I in fact, cracked or even broke a rib...I am even thinking about getting an Xray done, but even if a rib is cracked or broken, there is not a damn thing they can do, but wrap me up and give me pain meds.....well I can wrap myself, and no thank you on the pain pills....and no thank you on the ginormous medical bill from getting an Xray.

I talked with my dad, he was very lucid and sounded like "his old self"...I am hoping the anti-depressant's are starting to work...I told him about my "accident" and hurt ribs...he did not say a word...no "how are you feeling now", no "did you go to the doctor", no, "take it easy and be careful", no nothing.....and that is how my family is.

When I am hurt or sick or even in the hospital, not one of my family members will follow up on me....there will be no mention of what is going on, no concern for my health or well being....but if one of them is in that position, I am expected to "take care of them"....really, truth be told, my family could care less if I am alive or dead...seriously, that is how I feel.

It is sad when the only people who actually check up on me, are Kevin and a couple of Facebook friends....how sad....I can count on three fucking fingers, who actually cares about me....and no one in my family is one of those fingers.

It is always, "what I can do for them"...never "what they can do for me"....fuck

So today, I am going to wrap my ribs cage with an ace bandage, take some ibuprofen and suffer in silence.   Suffering in silence is something I am an expert with....and that is sad...I have had to suffer in silence my entire life...even when I was a little girl, I broke my wrist falling out of a tree, and went two weeks before my mom finally got tired of me whining and took me to the doctor...2 fucking weeks!  I would have took my child that fucking day!  I had a fucking broken wrist and my own mother didn't give a shit....

I am stopping here, so I don't fall off a cliff with fucked up memories....

I hurt, and I am tired of hurting and being hurt, physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically....I am just fucking tired.

S

Crash

 So yesterday was another banner day for me....

First, Kevin upset me, really hurt my feelings, even though he didn't mean too...then he found out that he is having a water leak from the upstairs neighbors air conditioner and it is flooding his kitchen...so had to deal with yet another fucking nightmare in this "supposedly all renovated apartment", this apartment was obviously renovated by a grade school child...it has been one repair after another...

The water was also leaking out of his AC vent in the bathroom above the tub...he got a stool and was standing up on it while taking the AC vent off, and the stool slipped out from under him and he came crashing down onto the toilet and sink...I was standing by the sink, and instinctively tried to catch him, and I hit hard against the sink....I either cracked or bruised my ribs...so today I am in really bad pain, especially if I cough or take a deep breath.

This is the third time I have injured my ribs and I know how they feel when they are cracked or bruised....fuck

Kevins lower back is hurting him as well....we are both too old for this shit....Kevin was stupid for standing on that stool and I was stupid to not stop him...

Then on top of all this drama, Kevin gets a call from a friend, who only calls him for computer issues, and this guy was in a PTSD attack because he couldn't get into his emails, so he was burning up Kevins phone....so Kevin had to talk him off the ledge and managed to get him back into his email...but on friday, Kevin has to go and do more "educational instruction" to this guy about computers....It really pisses me off that people only call Kevin when they need something from him...I have been trying to teach him the word "no", and he is getting better at just simply telling people, NO!  I remind him that they are just using him....because they NEVER call to say hey, or lets hang out, its always "can you fix this?"  fuck them, I am so fucking tired of Kevin being used and taken advantage of, because he is a good guy and knows alot of fucking stuff....

Its the same with me, nobody ever calls me just to chat and shoot the shit, it is always for a specific reason....so I know that when I get a call from anyone, especially family members, its because they want something I can give...fuck them too.

We are suppose to go to Jeep Night at the pub tonight, but we will just have to see how bad we hurt later today...

On a lighter note, Boomer got a bath and hair cut, and he looks so much better...

I am so tired of all the drama, of not being heard or listened too, of being physically hurt and emotionally hurt...I swear I feel like I am in a boxing ring with no gloves and my hands tied behind my back...

S

blurry

 I have not posted in awhile.  So much has been going on, and I am emotionally all over the damn place.

Mostly it is my dad and family.  He is home from the hospital, staying with my X, but John is having problems with my dad...mostly his anxiety and lack of doing anything...John says he just sits in a chair all day, and when he uses the bathroom, he pees all over the floor...This saddens me, my dad use to be a very busy active guy with lots of hobbies, now he is just a shell of who he use to be, and I fear, John and my brother and sister are getting tired of having to "watch" and take care of him.

This stresses me out so much, because they all feel I should be there taking care of him, that I am the only one who understands his depression and shit...and also, they just don't want to be bothered.  At least John is trying, and my dad is not even his family....They all seem to forget that dad is not my biological father.  I had a father that I loved and loved me...but everyone conveniently tries to forget that fact.

Evidently my mom is doing great at the dementia place.  She has made friends and is very healthy physically, its just her mind is going...

Besides all that family drama,  I have been very emotionally messed up with other issues as well....we are archiving our Sparrowisms page.  The page was set up to help educate people on DID, bring awareness to the condition.  But it seems people only want to see the "switch circus side show"...I see other DID videos where they switch on camera and it seems so theatrical, but their views and likes are very high...people don't want education, they want a show.  I flat refuse to do a show...so because of low views and lack of comments or questions or a real interest in learning about DID, we are shuttling the page.   

This upsets me because,  I have DID.  Not by choice...and having this disorder is so fucking hard, the lost time, the confusion and frustration is astronomical, and I thought that by addressing my DID and sharing my story with others would actually help me be more accepting of my diagnosis.  This has not happened, and I feel like a dismal failure....I failed in yet again another endeavor.

Because of my depression, family, failed You Tube page, and being cooped up in my apartment all day, I have been picking fights with Kevin....he has done nothing, but he is there and he is all I have to rage at....he is my punching bag.  How horrible is that, the one person I love most in this world, I continually "punch"...I suck.

I am alone all the time.  Yes, I have all my critters, and I have a good place to live in a state I love and my family drama is far away...but I am still alone...being alone all the time is not a good place to be, because I will get into my head and start overthinking, then I am a disaster...

When I did not know I had DID, I seemed to have lots of friends, places to go and do, seems like my life was more fun....now, knowing I have this fucking fucked up disorder, I am so self-conscious, second guessing myself, constantly looking at clocks,  that my fear of being "outed" or "switching" in public is almost paralyzing.  I am embarrassed and ashamed of having DID.

Why is that?  Why is it that the DID person is the one persecuted and shamed...Why aren't the abusers ever held accountable, why aren't they shamed and persecuted???  This angers me, and in my anger I can turn to rage in an instant, and nobody wants to see that side of me....the PTSD side...the out of control anger side....

I know that one day, Kevin will have had enough of me and my "all over the damn place behavior"...we are not married, and he has no reason to stay, he is free to go at anytime.  He says that he loves me, and I believe he does, but there is a limit to love......and one day, he will reach his limit.   Why? because of the unpredictability of DID, triggers and PTSD attacks,  they can come completely out of left field and leave him wondering "the fuck?"....I hate that...I hate that this happens, and I hate that I cannot control my "triggers"....I am out of control, period.

So, this is where I am at today.....suspended in a sort of space that is not real...every word and image is somewhat blurred, and reality is blurred as well...

S

I apologize

 To the people who are reading my blogs:

I apologize for all my outbursts.  I apologize for my rants and opinions and feelings.  As ya know, I have DID, and I cannot control what goes on in my head, so I apologize.

I have asked Kevin to archive this blog....that way, I will not be able to rant and vent on this page anymore....

No one single person, needs to know me.  DID is a mental illness...I use to say it was a defense mechanism, but really, it is just a mental illness, one that is horrible to have and deal with.  I am sick.

Sick in the head...and the best way for me to deal with it, is to just try and erase ever thing that is a reminder of this illness.  

Also, the Sparrowisms page will be taken down or archived as well.

So, thank you for all who have read this, but also I apologize to you too.

Sparrow

quandary

 I am tired....I had a fitful sleep, lots of dreams, lots of waking up...so I am  very tired today.

My mind is so unsettled...I simply do not know how to address the issues that are tormenting my head.  Its not the fucking DID, its the reality of dealing with betrayal...

My entire family has betrayed me, more than once.  I have had friends I knew for over 30 yrs betray me, after I left John...

Betrayal feeds feelings of insecurity, rejection and self doubt.  Which are all horrible emotions to have to work through.....I have spent the last 6 years learning to trust in others, letting my guard down and investing my precious trust in a place I felt was finally safe.  Only again, I placed my trust in the wrong spot.

How do I get trust back?  I know if I was to describe just how my "safety and trust" was disregarded,  it would sound so stupid and trite...but the fact is, I trusted, I explicitly asked them to not do something, and they did it anyway without a fucking thought to how I feel about it, totally ignoring my concerns. I will not describe the incident here, but it was enough to upset my entire being.

I am so fucking tired of being jerked around, not heard, and fucking invalidated.  Just because one person thinks something, does not mean the other persons thinks or feels the same way..

I felt my privacy was violated....I felt it was left open for the world...

Just remember this:  EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU CAN ABSOLUTELY TRUST SOMEONE 100%,  your trust can and will be shattered.  There is no fucking way a person or persons can be trusted completely, no matter what they say, what they do, etc...

there is no real trust...not anywhere....I have finally learned my lesson.  And that lesson is this:

Never believe anyone when they say they will "do something" or "not tell anyone"...right there they are lying.  Because for whatever reason, they will break that bond of trust, its inevitable.

Now I am in a quandary...if I talk to this person/s, they will explain away why they did what they did, they will rationalize their behavior in a way that will make me feel like a fucking fool....and they will make me feel stupid for feeling the way I do, they will try and reassure me it will never happen again, they will say they are sorry but, it will happen again, they will try and pacify me, yet it keeps happening even after conversations....

Why?  because what I think or feel or want or need is stupid and ridiculous...and they know better...of course they do, I don't know shit because I have DID and any reaction I have about something is not about ME, ITS ABOUT THEM, SO IT DOESN'T COUNT.  ITS ABOUT THEM INFLUENCING MY FEARS.  SO, SPARROW REALLY DOESN'T MATTER TO THEM....

I am so tired, emotionally, physically, psychologically, mentally and every other way imaginable....

BETRAYAL OF TRUST IS A DEATH SENTENCE...I feel like I might as well be strapped on a table and eliminated...my pleas go unheard...like me.

I hate what is happening, I hate how much my heart is crying, I hate the fact of this particular betrayal, because its on the heels of catching the "lie", and "my fears about certain things...fuck"  I even found out this particular betrayal after it had been going on for days....and it was a fucking fluke I found out, and if I hadn't had found out, it would go on and on and on, until devastation hit and I would be humiliated beyond comprehension....

I am not safe.

S

told you so-7

TRUST TRASH

 My dad is out of the mental hospital.  Last I heard he was at my X's house and my sister was with him.  He is on Zoloft now...I hope this helps him....I have heard nothing about how he is doing in a couple of days...I will only know anything if I contact John, otherwise, I will be left in the dark....

I am having trust issues....I caught someone I love deeply, lying to me....also,  I have stated over and over about how I feel about certain things, even had very intense discussions about it,  and I found out yesterday, that "my concerns" do not matter....they did it anyway without a second thought.

I feel betrayed and cast aside....my opinions, my requests and my passionate pleas to not do something, have fallen flat...I feel I am being lied to again....

Again, this is the "not hearing or listening to me" issue.....It does not matter how I feel about something, if that person thinks "they can do it anyway, and do not see or understand how I feel, they think I am being stupid or paranoid", then they do it anyway.....THAT IS  NOT LOVE.

I don't know what to do about this situation....I am at a loss....my trust in this person is falling fast....it makes me sick inside that they did something that I am 10000% against and have stated my "fears" over and over and over again to them, and they just disregarded my fears and through them in the trash....

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO??????

TRUST IS EVERYTHING, AND WHEN THERE IS NO TRUST, THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP...PERIOD.

s,7