Upbeat Depression

 I watched a video where "Twitch"s wife, spoke up about his life.  How his outward personality was so different than his inward one.

In public, he was always upbeat, dancing, and doing everything in his power to spread love and make others happy. Always smiling, always very courteous to his fans and all that....

but at home, behind closed doors, Allison said he was very different.  He was quiet and brooding, he fought depression...he was not the Twitch the world knew on the outside....

This is me.   On the outside, to others, I am happy, cracking jokes, being sociable, smiling etc....but once home, inside my house, I am lonely, quiet, reserved and struggle with depression.

That is why so many people are shocked when someone commits suicide.  "They seemed so happy, I didn't have a clue...nobody saw it coming."....this is depression.

Depression hides in public...look at all the comedians and celebrities that took their own life...they had fame, money, power, adoration, yet they kill themselves...why?  because money is not all that...fame is fleeting and nobody is ever happy and go lucky 24/7.  If someone says they are always happy and upbeat, I will call them a liar.

In public,  depressed people seem to have so many friends, they are easy to talk to, and go out of their way to help others....but they cannot help themselves, so they hide behind smiles and laughs, while really crying inside....

When I am in public, volunteering somewhere, a jeep event, shopping etc, I go out of my way to be kind to others.  I smile at everyone, I will have conversations with strangers, if I am hosting or speaking to a group of people, I will crack jokes and put them at ease....

but when I am home, alone....the depression comes crashing to the surface...no longer stuffed down and hidden...I can let the smiles go, and let the tears flow...

The psychological and emotional pain I carry, gets heavier and heavier with each passing day....

In public, I am safe from myself...in private I am not safe...I am not safe from the demons in my head...I am not safe from my emotions...I am not safe from me.

This is the hidden war of depression...it lurks around every corner, waiting for the perfect time to ambush you.  I have suffered from depression my entire life, even as a small child, I have attempted suicide many times, not really to kill myself but to scream out "I need help" to anybody that would listen, care and really understand.  NO MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL OUT THERE REALLY CARES LISTENS AND UNDERSTANDS-they just prescribe you a drug, pat you on the ass and say "see you in a month"....even therapy is a fucking joke....you sit there staring at the therapist, not knowing what to say, and more importantly how to say it....because in the depressed mind "no one will understand"...and they don't.

So today, I will smile, laugh, and act like I am having fun at the Jeep Jam...nobody will know that I am really screaming and crying inside....they will only see "happy, sweet, caring, fun Sparrow"  they will see many alters coming and going and they will have no clue.

They will never see just have utterly brain damaged I am.....

S