tears and rage

 So two doctors finally came to the hospital and evaluated my dad.  They are sending him home on Wednesday, but say he needs around the clock supervision....

Well that is bullshit...he needs anti-anxiety meds and anti-depressants.  He also needs to quit  being moved around all the damn time...he even said to the doctor, "I have no home"....

When he stayed over one night with John, he had a bad night and John was up all night with him....John told me he cannot do that....

So, then, why can't they get him a part time nurse (while everyone is working) then switch out days family members staying with him when John is at work????  John said a full time nurse would be too expensive....the fuck?  Right now dads things are at a retirement village, which is astronomical in monthly rent and fees...so what is the difference just changing who you are paying???  

Its always about money with John....I told him, I am out of the decision making for my dad.....my sister is there now, and so is my brother...why can't my dad live with my brother>( my brother is living in my dads home with his new wife, and they have a converted garage that could be my dads room....but NOOOOOOOOO, he can't be bothered with his dad living with him, which I think has more to do with his wife than him.....but he is a coward and woos when it comes to his wives...they wear the pants.

So I don't know what is going to happen with my dad...I cannot deal with the incompetence of the mental health people there in OK...they screwed me over and now they are screwing my dad over....I am out.

Yesterday, the weather was finally nice enough that Kevin and I and Boomer could get the kayaks out and go to the cove.  I needed that soooooooooooo much,  my depression is so bad right now,  and relaxing on the water was very medicinal for me....I know that most of the depression is because of my dad, and my stupid selfish family, and being so alone here.   And it was acerbated by Kevins son being here so long....I literally felt abandoned and neglected...some part of me feels that David is taking Kevin away from me...I know that is stupid and not true, but I still feel it...and I know it is just my feelings of rejection and abandonment that have been cemented into my heart since I was a child.

Am I abandoning my dad? my family?  Am I abandoning them because they abandoned me? tit for tat?  No, I don't fight fire with fire,  I just can't be wounded anymore by them, so I have left them to find peace.  

This issue with my dad, the things John says to me...it is wounding me over and over...I don't understand why he can't see that, or understand that....he is really so self-absorbed with himself that he can't understand anyone else and their concerns?

Every time we speak on the phone, I either hang up in tears, or hang up in a rage.

tears and rage....that is what my family does to me.  Even Kevin has left me in tears, because of our inability to really communicate,  his inability to hear and listen to "everything" I say....but I believe that is a man thing, because John and every other man I have ever known does it.  Men really don't listen to women like they listen to other men.  
We are less than in their eyes....always have been always will be.  Men will say that is not true, and some really believe that, but in reality, they don't listen, they only hear.....huge difference!

I am only really listened too when I am upset or angry...if I am calm and just talking about random stuff...mens ears close and they pretend to listen, but it is just an act.   You can tell by their comments and reactions that they really aren't listening at all....body language also says alot about if a man is really listening to a women or just "placating them"...

I can see when Kevin is tuning me out, by his body language and his response or even lack of response, so I just shut up and leave the room, because I know at that point, he is not "with" me in his head.

You show me a man that really listens to a woman, and I will show you a gay man.  Straight men, do not. And if they do, its sporadic at best.  This is why women need other women as friends,  and I simply do not have that, a women friend I can confide in, and talk to, and I mean really talk too....And I don't mean on the phone, I mean face to face.

I am not trying to disparage Kevin, he is just a straight man and old school.  He was raised to just ignore the wife or women in general, that is that generation.  Not his fault.  He may not truly listen to me, but he takes care of me in a way no man has ever before, and I love that, I love him and I appreciate all he does for me, the best thing he ever does for me is "having my back", he protects me...John did not, John was a coward and relied on God to help me or God to do everything, he just would run and hide in his little office, while I was having to deal with real issues.

Kevin has no fear,  and he is very intimidating to other people, especially men.  Its his eyes....they can be very scary.  Then other times he looks like a little boy, so cute and cuddly! haha sometimes, the look in his eyes is like getting a butt whooping with a belt...there is no physical pain, but psychological pain....a type of punishment, and he is very good at spanking people with his eyes!  YIKES!

I really hope today goes smoothly, I hope I do not get any calls from Oklahoma, I hope my phone stays silent...I need the break.

S