super glue

 So I have noticed when I go out in public, to the store or wherever,  I notice people staring at me...when I make eye contact with them, I smile...and most times they just look away....why don't people smile back?  Seems like back in the day, people would smile at you, make small talk or whatever, but anymore it is not like that.

Why?  Did the covid lockdown change everyone?  People want to blame Biden for all their woes,  it is easier to blame someone else than be the solution.

Or do people stare at me because I am so damn skinny...I had one lady call me a "crack whore"....I know I either look an anorexic or like a crack head and I have tried and tried to put on weight...but this morning 97 pounds...In my head, I think I look okay, but then I see pictures of myself, and I am like holy cow, I look awful...sick, I look sick.

I looked at myself in the mirror, naked..I hate what I see..I don't look like a woman at all,  I have no curves, and all my bones stick out, I am a bony mess...fuck...how can anyone find a bag of bones sexy?  How could anyone want to "touch me"...?  I hate the way I look....I am embarrassed to be around "normal" women...I get jealous of their shape and womanliness. A woman is suppose to be soft, with curves,  not bony...

When a woman holds you, you are suppose to feel the softness of her breast, her hips,  a man wants a woman to make them feel manly...a man is hard and lean,  his woman should compliment that with her body, soft, cuddly, warm....if a man is with me, or hugging me or whatever,  it is like they are holding a bony skeleton, my bones bruise them....I have no breast for them to snuggle into, no meat on my bones for them to touch and caress....I don't even want to be touched, my body horrifies me, imagine what men think?   I really feel that people stare at me because I am so tiny....and disgusting looking.

Maybe part of my skinniness is just because I am getting old....I am nothing but an old, bent over, hag.  All I need is a pair of SAS shoes, and I will be the ultimate little old lady granny....skin and bones, decrepit and I probably smell like an old woman too....Old age came quick for me....ever since I hit 60, its been all down hill....my vision sucks, I have arthritis in my neck, right hand and left foot...I have no energy like I use too...my entire body is slowing down, aging....fuck, its horrible getting old...especially when in your head you still think you are young and vibrant, then you catch yourself in a mirror and go "who the fuck is that?"  "where did she come from?"  sucks when reality slaps you in the fucking face...

I don't know what is going on with my dad....I really hope that they have got him on some meds and he is doing better...but I will never know, because no one talks to me...maybe he will try and call me again...sigh, again, aging sucks...I see my dad and my mom, and I think, well...there is my future...dementia,   sigh

I think this fucking heat is getting to me...I can't seem to snap out of my funk...I am afraid to "have a fun day"....because all my days seems to be shattered by bad news, heart ache and suffering...I am losing my joy.

How do you find joy when your youth is gone, and your body is getting old and breaking down, almost on a daily basis....my energy is gone,  I take naps a couple of times a day, then to bed by 8 pm, and up by 4 am....yep...I am finally an old senior adult granny....and there is nothing left of my life for me to accomplish, so now my days are nothing....seriously....just an old ugly wrinkled dottering old fool, shuffling around the house doing nothing...

This is my life.  and what a fucking life it is....

ugh....sorry for this post, but it is where I am at, and seems to be that I am super glued to a spot and cannot move...

S