submissive twat

 I think I speak in a very low voice, as in a quiet voice....or maybe I am speaking a foreign language that I only feel is English, but to others it is "mumble jumble".

It is sad, that when I have something to say, I first have to say "I need you to put that down, look me in the eyes and listen to what I am saying, then I want you to repeat to me what I just told you"...this is the only way to get someone to really hear me,  and it just makes me come across as "nagging"...so I hate to say that, but, fuck, I have too....

I believe that Kevin was the very first AI candidate.  When I ask him to do something, he hears "familiar words" then his mind creates a whole nuther narrative...for example:

Yesterday, Kevin had a box of stuff for the goodwill, and I told him to "put it in the back of my Jeep, and I will drop it off...that box was heavy"...later I took Boomer to the jeep, and that box was in the "back seat", not the back of the Jeep....the back seat is Boomers seat.

Kevin heard "back", he did not hear "back seat", but his mind added the word "seat", so in his head, his AI head, I said "back seat", when actually I did not.  I know that seems like a petty thing (I ended up having to lift that heavy box out of the back seat, so Boomer could get in, and heft it into the "back" of my Jeep..this made me angry...

Its not the incident itself, that is nothing, but it is the continuing "not listening and really hearing what I am saying"...that was just a little example of what goes on all the fucking time...

Kevin and my X, and my family and everyone, treats me this way.  No one really listens to me, not fully, only partly then their AI brains finish my narrative...

So if everyone only half hears me, maybe its not them at all....maybe it is me, maybe I don't articulate enough, maybe I speak in too low of a volume, or maybe what I say is confusing, or maybe, and most likely, what I have to say is unimportant, so I am ignored and placated...pretending to listen, but not really.

This is why, I can no longer talk about what is going on in my head, or with my family issues or anything....its like talking to walls...I am only half heard, then what I am trying to explain, it gets twisted to being about the person I am talking too, and not my issue itself.  They all start talking about their own experiences and I am totally ignored....its never about me, my feelings, my thoughts, because it is all about them...everyone is more important than me.

This bullshit with my dad, is eating away at me....this bullshit about not being heard and respected, is getting to me...

Everyone wants me to "do what they want",  "say what they want to hear" and fix their problems...ie, my dad issues...I am that person...I am the one that tries to fix things, I am the one who cleans houses, does chores, I am the robot serving everyone elses needs, but my own.

Does anybody even care that I was locked up?  NO, its all about my dad....nobody gives a shit what it was like for me...only concerned about what it is like for my dad...Nobody gives a shit about the hurt, confusion, frustration and devastation I went through being in a pysch ward...no one cares about that...but my dad, now everyone cares about him....and they want me "to talk with him, because I can relate to what he is going through"...yes I can, but I don' t want too...nobody cared or gave a shit as to why I was locked up, so why the fuck should I care about them?

If, I voice an opinion, it is not even considered, in regards to my dad and his treatment...they just want me to babysit him on the phone, but stay out of the medical part of it.   And I know for a goddamn fact my dad does not listen to me, he is confused and disoriented,  so I could talk about grass growing and my dad would care less....

I just need to shut my fucking mouth, and be the pliant little "yes sir, no sir" "whatever you say, sir" submissive twat...because that is all I am.

S