sham

 I am so worried about my dad...how is he?  How are they treating him in that hospital, is he eating, is he sleeping, is he getting any help through therapy, is anyone visiting him?  

But the worst thought is this "he is all alone, locked up because he is just old and tired"..

Is that the new trend in this world?  Lock away the older generation, set them aside to die???  I certainly feel "locked up".  I am sure my dad feels "trapped" with no avenue of escape.

That is me, I am trapped with no way to escape.  I am trapped in my own head, because I am so alone....except for Kevin...but when he is at work, I sit here all day in my head....even if I take Boomer to the park or cove, its still just me, alone..

Kevin had his son for a week...it is important for him to spend as much time with David, teaching him stuff, talking, mentoring...I know what it was like growing up in a divorced family, so when David is here, I stay away...Kevin needs that time with him.....but it leaves me so alone....this move of Kevins, moving into a new place, having his son, his job etc...he is so busy, he does not have time for me...I am not his wife, just his "friend"...it seems like an eternity that Kevin and I have been apart....not physically apart (as he lives in the same apartment complex as me) but mentally far far far apart.   Drifting...

I have nobody to share anything with...Kevin and I use to do things, go sight seeing, take day trips,  go to fairs, etc...now we do nothing..maybe go out to dinner, but dinner is not a treat for me, as the food makes me sick.  Its a treat for him, Or we watch TV.  TV is Kevins favorite thing...I hate TV,   I guess for him, sitting together on the couch watching the boob tube is "quality time together", I call it babysitting....babysitting me.   When I moved here, Kevin made commitments to me, especially regarding our relationship...those commitments have vanished.  They have changed dramatically....and not in the direction of my desire....his direction, because frankly, I do not matter.  

I mention wanting to do things, usually Jeep things, he says okay, but if I don't stay on him, actually nag him about upcoming events,  those events go unnoticed and forgotten by him.  So I just shake it off...I will tell him once,  I will not nag him, if he doesn't remember, or doesn't put it in his schedule for alerts, then the answer is "NO".   Silence, is a no.  I am tired of trying to make plans for us, when all he wants is to watch some fuck show on TV.  I get it though, he is on his feet all day long, and when he gets home he wants to put his feet up and relax...I sooooooo get that, and I understand...so I try and go with it....but day after day after day, then on his days off, its all about his projects....no us time, to him Us time is me sitting watching him do his stuff...him explaining mechanics, or wood working, teaching. I am not his student. Its been especially hard when his son was here for so many days,  he has been moving and unpacking, working, trying to cram in as much fatherhood as he can with his son....I FUCKING GET THAT...I WISH I HAD THAT....sigh

I have to literally find things to do, so I can stay out of my head...but that is so hard as I have no skills,  no talents, I have alternate personalities that take over my day and I am not around...they have the life, not me.

I know they are me, but at the same time, they are not Sparrow....Sparrow does not play with dolls and childs toys, Sparrow is not christian, Sparrow is not a happy homemaker,  Sparrow is not a fighter, and Sparrow is not a dancer...

So who is Sparrow?  Who would I have become, what would I have become if my childhood had not been destroyed through abuse...I have spent my entire life trying to figure out just who the fuck I am...what do I want, what do I love, who do I want to be....but the answers to all my questions allude me.

I have accomplished nothing...being a wife for 34 years was not an accomplishment, it was a jail sentence...I went to college, but what I studied had nothing to do with my desires...college was just a way to get away from my mother.

I moved away to start a new life...but the new life is lonely....except for Kevin, I am alone.   And because kevin is all I have, I demand too much from him, I demand too much of his time, I nag him, mother him, and act like his fucking wife...cleaning, making lunches, doing his laundry...all the exact things I did when I was married....Maybe that is who Sparrow is...nothing but a servant.

I enjoy doing those things for Kevin, it makes me feel like I am actually doing something helpful for him....I cannot talk with him about science, math, politics, his job, as I am ignorant of those things...so communication is not stimulating for him and its boring to me....so I cover up my feelings of inadequacy by doing busy work...chores...that is all I am good at, I am confident that I can do laundry and keep a house in order, take care of animals...that is my only confidence.

Everything else is a sham.  I am a sham...I am nothing.

S