real listener

 My day to day life is pretty fucking boring...If you watched my You tube video, then you see first hand what my days are like....I know that most people wish they had my life of leisure and financial security, and I know I am "overall" in a good and safe place and blessed.

But, when everyone else is talking about their jobs, or their career, when I see posts of their beautiful photography,  or their children lives, how they are so busy making a solid good and productive life,  it makes me feel like I am a waste.

I listen all the time to Kevin talk about his job, his responsibilities and how he is helping veterans and the staff at the VA hospital, and I am so proud of him and his accomplishments...but at the same time, it makes me feel so inadequate, and I start to think I am only a parasite on this earth....

I have nothing to talk about to anyone that is interesting and all that.  And when I do speak up about my day, what I did, where I went, what I saw,  it is so trivial and stupid, that my conversation is only half heard....I know that 2 minutes into my dialogue the person listening has lost interest and gone somewhere else in their head, pretending to "hear" me, but really I am being dismissed.  This has happened to me my entire fucking life.

Oh you are over reacting...like yesterday, I talked to my dad, he was in a full blown panic attack and I had to talk him down, which was so fucking hard over the phone,  I know panic attacks, I had to get him to reground himself....after we hung up I called John...I was very upset "why isn't my dad on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication?"  Everyone is only focusing on his physical issues, nobody wants to admit to or even think about his "mental issues"....and as I was talking, John said "settle down, calm down"  talking to me like a child, like my being upset was actually not important...I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle him, strangle my brother.....who is adding to my dads mental decline....fuck!!!!!

This phone call came on the heals of my horrific experience driving to the park with Boomer yesterday, which I blogged about in "souls collide" entry.  

How much can I take?  My family wants my help, but when I try and tell them what is going on with my dad, really going on, I am Poo-pooed, told to settle down and excluded from any family decisions regarding my dad....fuck that shit.

This is because, I dont' fall to my fucking knees and pray for my dad....what the fuck good would that do when he needs help NOW!!!!!!  

grrrr....

Part of my day is feeding my birds and squirrels...I have two squirrels that will take crackers from my hand.

Yesterday, I saw one of my squirrels through my glass door, he was on the balcony rail peering into my window...he saw me, and I motioned with my finger "one second, let me get a cracker"...I turned away, grabbed a cracker and went back to the door, the squirrel was no longer on the rail, I didn't see him, so I thought, I will just put the cracker on the rail and he will come back for it....as I opened my front screen door, there he was,  sitting at the door, just inches from being in my house...I bent down, with door open and offered the cracker...he came forward, practically into my apartment, took the cracker from me and scampered off....

And later, the other squirrel showed up, same MO, peering at me through the glass, so I got a cracker, went outside, and the squirrel was now on my table and walked over to the chair, climbed up and perched himself on the arm of the chair and took my cracker, then jumped back on the table and ate it right there, on my table!  He didn't care I was next to him watching...when he was done, he scampered off....

these are two separate squirrels, one is a juvenile and the other an adult...I wonder if they are related?

This is my day.  This is my accomplishment...animals trust me...but, what a useless accomplishment...when I try and tell Kevin my animal shit, he half listens...I know in his mind," its only animals, I deal with doctors, nurses, veterans...I am more important."  And he is, his job is very important....he is making a difference in the world...I am not.

I really hate talking about anything in my day to day life with him, but I literally have no one else to talk about mundane stuff...I have no friends really that I can call to just chat...I am alone...like my dad...he has all these people around him, but nobody that will listen to him.....he has no friends.

So, my day to day life will just be chatted about on my blog....my blog is sadly, the only real listener I have.

S, 7