guess so

 So the last video I made, it was about my day to day life...boring as fuck, which was evident in the views....

I watched another system make a video about "real life", no make up, no sappy stories,  no educational benefit...DID is not fun, its not cute and it is not make up, clothes and all that shit...its about a real mental battle...

So I decided to make a video, with no make up, the real me, my real life...in the middle of the video my X called....he informed me that he talked with dad, and still dad has seen no doctor...he also told me my sister and bro-in-law were flying down, he told me David and his wife have been visiting him....he told me to come and visit him....

I tried to explain why I can't, and certainly not while he is locked up...do you know or even understand how "triggering" that would be for me?  And then why should I drop everything to visit him, when NO one visited me...my sister did not fly down, my brother did not visit, my dad did not visit....why?  because I DON'T MATTER....

I tried to go back to the video, I forgot to turn the sound on, because I was losing it....then nothing.....

Going back and watching the video, I saw that during the silent meltdown, 7 emerged and finished the video....as I was watching her, I heard her refer to my sister and family, as hers too.....my sister....that gave me pause...was that me?  Then I have to remember that 7 is me, and my family is also their family, it is all they know, they grew up with me...my family is theirs too, all of them....

Its a horrible video, but it is also my reality....my struggle to stay sane in the midst of my insanity...The struggle of my parts in the midst of insanity...Trying to be normal, when my insanity won't allow it.....

Even now, as I write this, I feel like I am typing from a long far away place....are these my words?   Was that ugly smoking creature, me?  

I guess it is....

s

I am not a creature and I smoke to calm her down to slow down her heart rate to make her relax I don't care what she thinks about cigarettes they help me help her  once she is calm then I can finish her day without all the tears and destruction she would leave I can take away the pain in her heart I am the only one who helps her. I am the only one who can  -7