god, take me....

 I don't know what is going on with me...and Kevin.  

I guess it is the move and pressure from all of that, but we seem to be growing apart.  Everything I do and say gets him upset.  I can't seem to say or do anything right...and I am feeling very lonely.  I am afraid of "talking" to him and opening up about my feelings and emotions.  

I feel like a "hand is covering my mouth"....I am no longer feeling safe.  We can't get along anymore....we are acting like an "old married couple who are only together because of some sense of responsibility...there is no more fun in our life together.

He just works all day, comes home and works on all his projects and simply has no time to be with me, and I mean really "be with me".  I don't feel like we are even friends anymore....Just like when I was with John, I had to keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself...this is how it is with Kevin anymore....he has no interest in filming, and his interest in me, is fading....THIS IS HOW I FEEL.

I don't think we will make it as a couple...and that is probably because of me...I simply cannot be loved and understood...I am a nightmare...I believe Kevin is figuring that out...and it is driving a wedge between us....Yesterday, we went to a Jeep event, but barely spoke the entire time.  It was horrible....I cried myself to sleep last night because the one man I truly love with all my heart, is emotionally leaving me....story of my life.

It is safe to say that I am truly alone....I have a shit life, I am a shit person, and the only thing keeping me alive is Boomer and my pigs...if it weren't my responsibility to them, I would be dead by now...

I do not want to live anymore....death is becoming more and more comfortable in my eyes....If I was a praying person and believed in a god, I would be "praying for god to take me"....

S