Moving is so stressful...Kevin is almost all moved in downstairs, but putting shit away and finding places to put his stuff is hard. He is going from a 3 bedroom apartment to a one bedroom....so he is having to get rid of stuff he has no room for, this is very hard for him, everything has sentimental value to him and he wants to keep it all.....so we are working thru downsizing...this has been stressful for me and him.
He has really big furniture for his bedroom...and I suggested rearranging the furniture to try and make more space to move around in his bedroom...as we were doing this, I could see and feel that he was getting annoyed with me....I never want to do things my way, but I also have an eye for decorating and furniture placement. I just want to make his place nice and comfortable for him, but I feel he gets "annoyed" with me...so I backed off.
This really hurt my feelings. He can do everything, fix things, etc....but I am able to decorate in a way he cannot. I think this pisses him off, because he is a "I will do it, and do it right" mentality. And I feel that he does not like me being better at something than him....so, I am done with trying to help him in his apartment. After all it is HIS place, not mine and I need to remember that.
I hate being shutdown for something I know I can do better. It is also aggravating for me to talk with him, unless its about politics, the jeep, his job or DID. He only engages me in conversation with things he knows alot about. If I talk about something mundane, or just my day and what I did, he will not engage me in small talk...if I say "did you hear me?" he says yes, but he does not respond....
But if I ask him about his day at work...I get all kinds of conversation that I try and engage him in...I think, what he does is important. What I do is not. I do not work, I do not do anything interesting and my life is pretty fucking boring...I get that...Kevin is not a small talk kinda guy.
Sometimes I think he is only interested in me, because of my DID. I am a machine he has to fix...he is a fixer.a problem solver..and he is wonderful at helping me and my parts...but for anything else, I feel ignored most of the time.
I know that I have nothing earth shattering to talk about, so the best course for me is to just shut the fuck up with senseless, non important day to day bullshit. But when I do get quiet, then he thinks I am dealing with something or I am upset with him about something....but in reality, I just have nothing edifying or instructional or even interesting to talk about....my life is same old same old....
Fuck, Kevin has more conversations with my neighbors than he does me...He will talk with them for a long time...listening to them...engaging in their narrative, but with me, he is silent, maybe nodding, but rarely engages me...just "I heard you"...this makes me fucking jealous of my neighbors...how immature is that!
There is a saying "If you don't have something nice to say, than don't say anything at all"...for me if I don't have anything "important" or "relevant" to say, then I just need to say nothing and shut the fuck up....
This is why I need a friend so bad, whether a woman or man, I need someone to talk to and engage with and have conversations with that Kevin doesn't give a shit about...this would take so much pressure off of him, if I could just find a friend here in Roanoke. Things I want to talk about, he is not interested in hearing. He is not mean at all to me, he just kinda shuts me off, or only hears part of what I am saying, if he is listening at all....Almost every one of our conversations are one sided, and its 90% his side. Unless the conversation is about the aforementioned topics...
I just wish, and him and I have talked about this before, that when I tell him something I did, or my kids did, or something I saw, I wish he would be more interested and engage me on my stuff...he always counters me with something in his life, his kids, his experience etc, and by doing this, it shuts me down because again, "its all about him" not me...If he doesn't respond with "His" examples or experience, he says nothing at all...so I rattle on, then ask "did you hear me? he says "yes"....but silence is abusive, if you ask me. It makes me feel like a stupid dumb blonde brain damaged idiot...and I am not important, my day is not important, my life is not important.
He does not do this on purpose, it is just the way he is....and it is very aggravating and depressing....why does he have to "prove" himself all the time? Why does he have to be so superior than everyone else? He got this new job, and now he is uprooting the whole system to make it more efficient, and it is a good thing, but he is pissing off the workers that have been there much longer than him....NOBODY is capable of doing a "job" the way Kevin is....his intelligence is very off putting to us normal people....Everyone hated him in his old job, now he is going to turn people off in this new position...His work ethic is way beyond anybody elses at that VA, and yes, it improves the quality of the staff, but it turns his co-workers against him....he does not know how to compromise, its his way or the highway...
I have mentioned all this to him, but he poo-poos me, and downplays my concerns and then validates his decisions, again making me feel stupid and ignorant.
Oh well, I love him, he is such a good man, a very smart man, but he is literally ALL MALE. He "mansplains" everything to me, like I am a child...if he starts telling me the intricacies of fixing a brake, he talks to me like I am a mechanic student. I am never going to do my own brakes...If I tell him, stop, I don't care how brakes work...this angers him... like maybe he thinks "I don't care how fucking smart he is" so he stops talking to me....again, I feel it always has to be about him....But on the other hand, if I act really interested and ask questions about the topic he is trying to teach me, this gets him talking and talking, and I know makes him feel good about what he knows...but if I try and talk with him about something he knows nothing about, I get silence...no feedback, no questions, he just "hears me"....
When I am talking about something, going on about a topic or whatever, he gets this glazed look in his eyes and I can tell the exact moment he turns his ears off to me...so I just shut the fuck up mid sentence and realize what I am saying he is not interested in hearing......but if I do that to him, he does not like it at all.
I guess you can't train an old dog. He is who he is....I just don't know who I am anymore....
S
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its about time you see this. he talks with me but i hear you talking and hear nothing from him just like john
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