Mothers Day

 Christmas and Mother's day are the two worse holidays for me.   Mothers day is by far the worst.   I do not have a loving relationship with my mother.  Even though I had a mom growing up, I really did not have a mother at all.  She did not teach me how to cook or sew.   She taught me nothing....I had to navigate motherhood all by myself.

With my own kids, I tried to be loving, supportive, teaching, etc to my kids.  I taught them how to cook, do laundry, clean, and manners.  I raised them to send "thank you" notes to people who do nice things for them or gives them a gift.   I kept our home clean, and I did not work outside the home.  I WAS EVERYTHING TO MY KIDS THAT MY MOTHER WAS NOT TO ME.

But all that devotion, and love and the years of standing by my kids clearly meant nothing to them.  Soon as I left their dad....they left me.   

I have been in VA 6 yrs, and in that time, not one of my children have come to visit me....not one card sent on my birthday or christmas or mothers day.  I will get the perfunctory "Happy Mothers day" text....that will make them feel better about themselves....but it does nothing by drives a wedge deeper into my heart.

Obviously, I failed my kids as spectacularly as my mother failed me.   I am a failure.   I tried to love my kids, I picked a father for them that would love them, protect them and be there for them....at least I picked the right dad for them, its just the mother that was all wrong.

I should have never had children.   They don't respect me, they don't ever ask how I am doing, they refuse to talk with me except for about the kiddos or what is going on in their life....they do not give a rats ass about my life....

So today,  Kevin asked me what I wanted for mothers day.  I told him I wanted a cordless floor vacuum.   I told him, I did not like cords, in fact the little vacuum I had had a cord and I gave it to Kevin....He bought me a vacuums with a cord....

He knows better than me what I want.   I don't know jack shit, I don't know my own mind.....I am stupid, ignorant and blind to my own needs.  Everyone knows what is best for me, and what I need or want or desire, does not matter.  I am insignificant.  Its because I am mentally ill.

 I hate Mothers Day.  I will not be on facebook, because I cannot stand reading everyones "I love my mother fucking posts",  I will get jealous of all the kids sending their mothers flowers or gifts or cards in the mail....I will have none of that....

I am not a mother, I am a motherfucker......

S