inside my head, again

 What the heck is going on with me?  Three nights in a row I have had dreams that wake me up and I cannot go back to sleep.  Once I wake up, the dream is gone, but my head won't go back to sleep.  A dream woke me up this morning at 3:15 am, so here I am, even up before the birds.

I really do not think my dream is a "memory"...its just a confusing frustrating type of dream....I don't know.

We have not shot a video in forever...so I shot one with just me, talking my life, videoing my critters, my jeep, my space...its a pretty boring video, but that is my life, really really boring.  No job, no real friendships, basically just me and Boomer trying to find something to do.   

I only have one day a week that I actually do something for the good of man...I walk Service Dogs in Training.  So for about one hour a week, I actually do something meaningful.  One fucking hour out of a week....

The rest of the week,  I just sit around in my head....all day long....I GET SO GODDAMN BORED.   Seems the only activities I am actively engaged in is in my head and dreams...ha!

I watched the video that I made....oh brother...can my life be anymore boring and mundane...the video is so stupid, it is not a teaching video, it is not about my alters really, it is not a Sparrowism, its just me boring everyone to fucking tears.

I really think there is nothing more to say or do in regards to making videos.  Since I refuse to switch on camera, and only Tessa consented to be on video, the rest, do not want to.  So without the theatrics of switching and whining about whatever like almost all the systems I follow,  I choose not to be a circus show.  I see their viewership numbers, most are very high, thousands of subscribers, but then I look at their content and it horrifies me how they feel so comfortable letting their alters do the show....people only tune in when the drama unfolds....

Sigh,  people only want to watch the "show"...they really don't want to see the "real" person behind the DID, they don't want to see about day to day life, they just want the "freak show".   I will not be a fucking freak show.  And since I refuse to do those types of videos,  our viewership is down, we have less than 200 subscribers and our videos are boring.   NOBODY wants education, they want sensationalism.  

Maybe that is what my dreams are about...being frustrated with our page, being frustrated because the video I shot myself, is so fucking stupid...being frustrated because sitting around waiting on Kevin, and then his lack of interest in filming.

He only talks about it, if I mention it, or if I talk about a topic...if I stay silent on our videos....then Kevin won't even bother to think of a topic, much less take charge and make one.   He is bored with the videos,  and somehow, this makes me feel deep inside that he is bored with me too.....

Just my insecurities and low self-esteem working overtime in my head.....He will say, I have been too busy, moving, doing woodwork, working on my jeep, having a job and a fucking life to sit down and think out a video, so I am pretty sure our videos are over with.   Another failure on my part, I even fail having DID!

I am too boring, with no life, nobody wants to see that, live that, and I am done putting myself out there....I am going inward now, going back inside my head, where I am comfortable.

S