An "F"

 so it has been so long since Kevin has even mentioned making a video, that I decided to make a quick one about my daily life.  

In the video I shot, I talked about my daily routine: ie, coffee in the morning on my balcony...feeding the birds, the squirrels, my Jeep, Boomer, the guinea pigs etc..I shot pictures of all of that.

Every "normal" person in America has a daily routine, and I am no different, except I have DID...but even with that condition, I manage to live a "normal" life, and I can live on my own....I wanted the viewers to see that my life is "normal".....

I talked about mothers day and how happy I was to hear from all of my kids...I thought the video was upbeat, boring as fuck, because my life is really boring, but it is a life, and a life I am living with DID.

Kevin finally watched the video and basically told me it was "horse shit", and suggested that I do another video.

10 things viewers don't know about me....then he gave me a list to think about.

But here is the thing.....when I make a video, it is horse shit.  I am unable to make a decent video by myself.  I am too stupid and ignorant.  

If my daily routine and life, is horse shit, then 10 things about me, is also horse shit.  Who the fuck cares.....if having a boring life, with mundane routines is boring and stupid, then who the fuck is gonna care if I "ran a dog park", or anything else for that matter...

The only thing that is interesting about me, is the DID.  PERIOD.  I mean what am I suppose to do with 10 things?

I ran a dog park....actually that was Tessa.

I use to be a dancer...actually that was Sammy

I am a mother and grandmother....again, that was all the alters raising my kids, not me...am I suppose to caveat the "10 things" about me, to make it about the alters?  

If I do that, then I, Sparrow, am nothing but a vessel housing all these stupid alters.   

All the 10 things he mentioned, is not me....its them.  The only thing that is me, is my day to day boring ass life...and that is "horse shit"...

The one thing I know for sure is this....I AM NOT INTERESTING,  MY IDEALS ARE HORSE SHIT, MY VIDEOS (THAT i MAKE) LACK DEPTH...and I am just flat unable to do anything myself.  

But, waiting for Kevin to get around to discuss or shoot a video, is like watching paint dry....I know he has been busy,  too busy for us.  The You Tube page was his ideal, his baby...and he has basically abandoned it, leaving me twisting in the wind, wanting to make a video but he is too busy and disinterested, so I try and take matters into my own hands...and I FALL FLAT ON MY FACE.

I am inept,  in everything I try and do....I am tired of trying to keep our page going...I am too stupid to edit and upload, I am too stupid to shoot a decent video, and interesting video, and I am too stupid in my topics or ideals.  Kevin always comes up with bigger and better ideals, why?  because, he is the smart one, he is always right and he makes sense.

Every fucking day, I feel more and more ignorant and stupid...every time I open my mouth...it is slammed shut...I am a useless person.

So, this is where I am at.....if Kevin wants to continue with this page, then its his to do.....I am never going to try and shoot a video myself...NEVER again.   

Don't look for any videos in the future....Kevin just doesn't have the time....he can't make time for me...and certainly can't make the time to shoot a video.

Besides, our videos are boring as fuck anyway, because I won't do a circus show video...

Sigh,  I feel rejected again...my self-esteem is now zero....Kevin, the teacher, gave my video a "F".  I failed again....story of my whole stupid fucking useless life.

DID has doomed me to failing life....I am a zero, an F, a loser student....

He said the video was okay, but.....and the but was every aspect of the video I shot...But, change this, but add this, but scrap the video and do this instead, but but but....

FUCK but....I will just retreat to my boring ass life, my boring ass daily routines, my boring ass sorry life of nothing....I apologize for not being exciting...I apologize for not being anything more than a servant...everything about me is boring...even Kevin is getting bored with me....that is obvious.  This is how I feel, not how Kevin feels....

but my feelings are valid goddamnit....