An "F"

 so it has been so long since Kevin has even mentioned making a video, that I decided to make a quick one about my daily life.  

In the video I shot, I talked about my daily routine: ie, coffee in the morning on my balcony...feeding the birds, the squirrels, my Jeep, Boomer, the guinea pigs etc..I shot pictures of all of that.

Every "normal" person in America has a daily routine, and I am no different, except I have DID...but even with that condition, I manage to live a "normal" life, and I can live on my own....I wanted the viewers to see that my life is "normal".....

I talked about mothers day and how happy I was to hear from all of my kids...I thought the video was upbeat, boring as fuck, because my life is really boring, but it is a life, and a life I am living with DID.

Kevin finally watched the video and basically told me it was "horse shit", and suggested that I do another video.

10 things viewers don't know about me....then he gave me a list to think about.

But here is the thing.....when I make a video, it is horse shit.  I am unable to make a decent video by myself.  I am too stupid and ignorant.  

If my daily routine and life, is horse shit, then 10 things about me, is also horse shit.  Who the fuck cares.....if having a boring life, with mundane routines is boring and stupid, then who the fuck is gonna care if I "ran a dog park", or anything else for that matter...

The only thing that is interesting about me, is the DID.  PERIOD.  I mean what am I suppose to do with 10 things?

I ran a dog park....actually that was Tessa.

I use to be a dancer...actually that was Sammy

I am a mother and grandmother....again, that was all the alters raising my kids, not me...am I suppose to caveat the "10 things" about me, to make it about the alters?  

If I do that, then I, Sparrow, am nothing but a vessel housing all these stupid alters.   

All the 10 things he mentioned, is not me....its them.  The only thing that is me, is my day to day boring ass life...and that is "horse shit"...

The one thing I know for sure is this....I AM NOT INTERESTING,  MY IDEALS ARE HORSE SHIT, MY VIDEOS (THAT i MAKE) LACK DEPTH...and I am just flat unable to do anything myself.  

But, waiting for Kevin to get around to discuss or shoot a video, is like watching paint dry....I know he has been busy,  too busy for us.  The You Tube page was his ideal, his baby...and he has basically abandoned it, leaving me twisting in the wind, wanting to make a video but he is too busy and disinterested, so I try and take matters into my own hands...and I FALL FLAT ON MY FACE.

I am inept,  in everything I try and do....I am tired of trying to keep our page going...I am too stupid to edit and upload, I am too stupid to shoot a decent video, and interesting video, and I am too stupid in my topics or ideals.  Kevin always comes up with bigger and better ideals, why?  because, he is the smart one, he is always right and he makes sense.

Every fucking day, I feel more and more ignorant and stupid...every time I open my mouth...it is slammed shut...I am a useless person.

So, this is where I am at.....if Kevin wants to continue with this page, then its his to do.....I am never going to try and shoot a video myself...NEVER again.   

Don't look for any videos in the future....Kevin just doesn't have the time....he can't make time for me...and certainly can't make the time to shoot a video.

Besides, our videos are boring as fuck anyway, because I won't do a circus show video...

Sigh,  I feel rejected again...my self-esteem is now zero....Kevin, the teacher, gave my video a "F".  I failed again....story of my whole stupid fucking useless life.

DID has doomed me to failing life....I am a zero, an F, a loser student....

He said the video was okay, but.....and the but was every aspect of the video I shot...But, change this, but add this, but scrap the video and do this instead, but but but....

FUCK but....I will just retreat to my boring ass life, my boring ass daily routines, my boring ass sorry life of nothing....I apologize for not being exciting...I apologize for not being anything more than a servant...everything about me is boring...even Kevin is getting bored with me....that is obvious.  This is how I feel, not how Kevin feels....

but my feelings are valid goddamnit....

grrrrr

 GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

i am so frustrated, irritated, and just flat tired of being rejected and let down....

grrrrrrrrrrrr

inside my head, again

 What the heck is going on with me?  Three nights in a row I have had dreams that wake me up and I cannot go back to sleep.  Once I wake up, the dream is gone, but my head won't go back to sleep.  A dream woke me up this morning at 3:15 am, so here I am, even up before the birds.

I really do not think my dream is a "memory"...its just a confusing frustrating type of dream....I don't know.

We have not shot a video in forever...so I shot one with just me, talking my life, videoing my critters, my jeep, my space...its a pretty boring video, but that is my life, really really boring.  No job, no real friendships, basically just me and Boomer trying to find something to do.   

I only have one day a week that I actually do something for the good of man...I walk Service Dogs in Training.  So for about one hour a week, I actually do something meaningful.  One fucking hour out of a week....

The rest of the week,  I just sit around in my head....all day long....I GET SO GODDAMN BORED.   Seems the only activities I am actively engaged in is in my head and dreams...ha!

I watched the video that I made....oh brother...can my life be anymore boring and mundane...the video is so stupid, it is not a teaching video, it is not about my alters really, it is not a Sparrowism, its just me boring everyone to fucking tears.

I really think there is nothing more to say or do in regards to making videos.  Since I refuse to switch on camera, and only Tessa consented to be on video, the rest, do not want to.  So without the theatrics of switching and whining about whatever like almost all the systems I follow,  I choose not to be a circus show.  I see their viewership numbers, most are very high, thousands of subscribers, but then I look at their content and it horrifies me how they feel so comfortable letting their alters do the show....people only tune in when the drama unfolds....

Sigh,  people only want to watch the "show"...they really don't want to see the "real" person behind the DID, they don't want to see about day to day life, they just want the "freak show".   I will not be a fucking freak show.  And since I refuse to do those types of videos,  our viewership is down, we have less than 200 subscribers and our videos are boring.   NOBODY wants education, they want sensationalism.  

Maybe that is what my dreams are about...being frustrated with our page, being frustrated because the video I shot myself, is so fucking stupid...being frustrated because sitting around waiting on Kevin, and then his lack of interest in filming.

He only talks about it, if I mention it, or if I talk about a topic...if I stay silent on our videos....then Kevin won't even bother to think of a topic, much less take charge and make one.   He is bored with the videos,  and somehow, this makes me feel deep inside that he is bored with me too.....

Just my insecurities and low self-esteem working overtime in my head.....He will say, I have been too busy, moving, doing woodwork, working on my jeep, having a job and a fucking life to sit down and think out a video, so I am pretty sure our videos are over with.   Another failure on my part, I even fail having DID!

I am too boring, with no life, nobody wants to see that, live that, and I am done putting myself out there....I am going inward now, going back inside my head, where I am comfortable.

S

moving stressors

 Moving is so stressful...Kevin is almost all moved in downstairs, but putting shit away and finding places to put his stuff is hard.  He is going from a 3 bedroom apartment to a one bedroom....so he is having to get rid of stuff he has no room for, this is very hard for him, everything has sentimental value to him and he wants to keep it all.....so we are working thru downsizing...this has been stressful for me and him.

He has really big furniture for his bedroom...and I suggested rearranging the furniture to try and make more space to move around in his bedroom...as we were doing this, I could see and feel that he was getting annoyed with me....I never want to do things my way, but I also have an eye for decorating and furniture placement.  I just want to make his place nice and comfortable for him, but I feel he gets "annoyed" with me...so I backed off.  

This really hurt my feelings.   He can do everything, fix things, etc....but I am able to decorate in a way he cannot.  I think this pisses him off, because he is a "I will do it, and do it right" mentality.  And I feel that he does not like me being better at something than him....so, I am done with trying to help him in his apartment.  After all it is HIS place, not mine and I need to remember that.

I hate being shutdown for something I know I can do better.   It is also aggravating for me to talk with him, unless its about politics, the jeep, his job or DID.  He only engages me in conversation with things he knows alot about.  If I talk about something mundane, or just my day and what I did, he will not engage me in small talk...if I say "did you hear me?" he says yes, but he does not respond....

But if I ask him about his day at work...I get all kinds of conversation that I try and engage him in...I think, what he does is important.  What I do is not.  I do not work, I do not do anything interesting and my life is pretty fucking boring...I get that...Kevin is not a small talk kinda guy.  

Sometimes I think he is only interested in me, because of my DID.  I am a machine he has to fix...he is a fixer.a problem solver..and he is wonderful at helping me and my parts...but for anything else,  I feel ignored most of the time.  

I know that I have nothing earth shattering to talk about, so the best course for me is to just shut the fuck up with senseless, non important day to day bullshit.  But when I do get quiet, then he thinks I am dealing with something or I am upset with him about something....but in reality, I just have nothing edifying or instructional or even interesting to talk about....my life is same old same old....

Fuck, Kevin has more conversations with my neighbors than he does me...He will talk with them for a long time...listening to them...engaging in their narrative, but with me, he is silent, maybe nodding, but rarely engages me...just "I heard you"...this makes me fucking jealous of my neighbors...how immature is that!

There is a saying "If you don't have something nice to say, than don't say anything at all"...for me if I don't have anything "important" or "relevant" to say, then I just need to say nothing and shut the fuck up....

This is why I need a friend so bad, whether a woman or man, I need someone to talk to and engage with and have conversations with that Kevin doesn't give a shit about...this would take so much pressure off of him, if I could just find a friend here in Roanoke.   Things I want to talk about, he is not interested in hearing.  He is not mean at all to me, he just kinda shuts me off, or only hears part of what I am saying, if he is listening at all....Almost every one of our conversations are one sided, and its 90% his side.  Unless the conversation is about the aforementioned topics...

I just wish, and him and I have talked about this before, that when I tell him something I did, or my kids did, or something I saw, I wish he would be more interested and engage me on my stuff...he always counters me with something in his life, his kids, his experience etc, and by doing this, it shuts me down because again, "its all about him" not me...If he doesn't respond with "His" examples or experience, he says nothing at all...so I rattle on, then ask "did you hear me? he says "yes"....but silence is abusive, if you ask me.  It makes me feel like a stupid dumb blonde brain damaged idiot...and I am not important, my day is not important, my life is not important.

He does not do this on purpose, it is just the way he is....and it is very aggravating and depressing....why does he have to "prove" himself all the time?  Why does he have to be so superior than everyone else?  He got this new job, and now he is uprooting the whole system to make it more efficient, and it is a good thing, but he is pissing off the workers that have been there much longer than him....NOBODY is capable of doing a "job" the way Kevin is....his intelligence is very off putting to us normal people....Everyone hated him in his old job, now he is going to turn people off in this new position...His work ethic is way beyond anybody elses at that VA, and yes, it improves the quality of the staff, but it turns his co-workers against him....he does not know how to compromise, its his way or the highway...

I have mentioned all this to him, but he poo-poos me, and downplays my concerns and then validates his decisions, again making me feel stupid and ignorant.  

Oh well,  I love him, he is such a good man, a very smart man,  but he is literally ALL MALE.  He "mansplains" everything to me, like I am a child...if he starts telling me the intricacies of fixing a brake, he talks to me like I am a mechanic student.  I am never going to do my own brakes...If I tell him, stop, I don't care how brakes work...this angers him... like maybe he thinks "I don't care how fucking smart he is" so he stops talking to me....again,  I feel it always has to be about him....But on the other hand,  if I act really interested and ask questions about the topic he is trying to teach me, this gets him talking and talking, and I know makes him feel good about what he knows...but if I try and talk with him about something he knows nothing about, I get silence...no feedback, no questions, he just "hears me"....

When I am talking about something, going on about a topic or whatever, he gets this glazed look in his eyes and I can tell the exact moment he turns his ears off to me...so I just shut the fuck up mid sentence and realize what I am saying he is not interested in hearing......but if I do that to him, he does not like it at all.

I guess you can't train an old dog.  He is who he is....I just don't know who I am anymore....

S

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its about time you see this.  he talks with me but i hear you talking and hear nothing from him just like john

7

Mothers Day update!

 For the first time in 6 yrs (since I left Oklahoma) all three of my kids actually called me and talked to me!  I even got to talk with my grandson, Kingston.  All three kids were happy and doing well.

Taryn is in the process of opening a new gym and she is so excited.

Cory is doing well,  his ranching and diesel mechanic shop is doing well.

But the best news was from Gary.  He finally got a good corporate job working for Luvs Travel Centers.  He does computer work for the oil tankers, finds and buys gasoline and sends trucks all over delivering gas for the Luvs convienent stores and a couple of others...He is so happy in his new job, he gets insurance a 401K and all that.

But the best news from Gary is this:  HE FINALLY LEFT THAT WHORE BITCH SLUT FAT PIGLET EGG DONOR OF A WIFE.  He has his own little house now, and is so happy...he sounded so relaxed and unstressed.  He told me that he had finally had enough, he has wanted to leave her even before Gagey died, but she kept getting pregnant and he felt obligated to stay.  But everything with egg donor is always horrible...she is a horrible person.  Seriously.  She was driving him into a heart attack....

They are now working out custody stuff, she has the trailer with the kids and he gets the kids on the weekends right now.  

Of course, saint John thinks he should go back home to her....fuck that shit.  I told John that Gary has finally come to his senses and manned up enough to get the fuck away from her, and that I was so proud of him and I support his decision 1000% percent.   I would rather they be split up and Gary happy and relaxed and unstressed, then stay with her and be driven to an early death....verbal and physical abuse is horrid on a person...and egg donor has the worse verbal and emotional abuse that a woman can do to a man....she is controlling bossy and lazy and fucking thinks she is entitled to everything...fuck her with a donkey dick!

Kevin and I have been so busy, getting him moved in downstairs, getting my Jeep ready for the show on June 1, and his skin cancer procedure, his new job, etc...but I am seeing LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!

So yesterday, I was resigned to the fact that I would not hear from my kids and was depressed about that, then the universe blessed me with all three calling!  

Thank you Universe!

S

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am also very happy that her kids called her.  She needed that so much, and it helped her emotionally.   I was also pleased to hear that Gary left Deedra.  I did not care for her at all.

Tessa

Mothers Day

 Christmas and Mother's day are the two worse holidays for me.   Mothers day is by far the worst.   I do not have a loving relationship with my mother.  Even though I had a mom growing up, I really did not have a mother at all.  She did not teach me how to cook or sew.   She taught me nothing....I had to navigate motherhood all by myself.

With my own kids, I tried to be loving, supportive, teaching, etc to my kids.  I taught them how to cook, do laundry, clean, and manners.  I raised them to send "thank you" notes to people who do nice things for them or gives them a gift.   I kept our home clean, and I did not work outside the home.  I WAS EVERYTHING TO MY KIDS THAT MY MOTHER WAS NOT TO ME.

But all that devotion, and love and the years of standing by my kids clearly meant nothing to them.  Soon as I left their dad....they left me.   

I have been in VA 6 yrs, and in that time, not one of my children have come to visit me....not one card sent on my birthday or christmas or mothers day.  I will get the perfunctory "Happy Mothers day" text....that will make them feel better about themselves....but it does nothing by drives a wedge deeper into my heart.

Obviously, I failed my kids as spectacularly as my mother failed me.   I am a failure.   I tried to love my kids, I picked a father for them that would love them, protect them and be there for them....at least I picked the right dad for them, its just the mother that was all wrong.

I should have never had children.   They don't respect me, they don't ever ask how I am doing, they refuse to talk with me except for about the kiddos or what is going on in their life....they do not give a rats ass about my life....

So today,  Kevin asked me what I wanted for mothers day.  I told him I wanted a cordless floor vacuum.   I told him, I did not like cords, in fact the little vacuum I had had a cord and I gave it to Kevin....He bought me a vacuums with a cord....

He knows better than me what I want.   I don't know jack shit, I don't know my own mind.....I am stupid, ignorant and blind to my own needs.  Everyone knows what is best for me, and what I need or want or desire, does not matter.  I am insignificant.  Its because I am mentally ill.

 I hate Mothers Day.  I will not be on facebook, because I cannot stand reading everyones "I love my mother fucking posts",  I will get jealous of all the kids sending their mothers flowers or gifts or cards in the mail....I will have none of that....

I am not a mother, I am a motherfucker......

S

downstairs

 Sparrow likes to say she has OCD,  but really she does not.  Sparrow likes to say she keeps a clean and orderly home, she does not.  She tends to be on the lazy side.

I am the one who keeps her home in order, I guess I am the one with OCD, not her.

Growing up in strict Navy/Air Force homes, beds and rooms were to always be kept clean, made up and everything in its place.  If something was played with an forgotten to put back in its place, she would be punished.

Her dad, although I really liked him, was a "white glove" officer.  He wore those gloves when inspecting her and her brothers bedrooms, and the entire house.  He was VERY strict about cleanliness and order.   He never physically punished her like her mother and first step dad did, but he would be very stern, and punishments were in place, for example:  taking the item left out and putting it away in the garage, or being grounded or things like that....where as in her other home, with her mother, if she left things out, she was beaten to within an inch of her life....she was punished way more than she should have been...but, because of me, the punishments became less and less.  I learned what was acceptable and what to do and how to do it, so she would not be in trouble.

To this day, I am the one that makes sure her home is in order and "clean".  There are no punishments if dishes don't get done, but, it bothers me, and so I do them because "that is just what I do, my job"....

As far as Kevin moving in....it is hard for me to be in a cluttered dirty home, I instantly want to start cleaning up, throwing items away, and organizing shelves, etc...but, thing is, the apartment is his and he should live the way he wants to live and I need to accept that.  I can feel her anxiety when in a "chaotic space" and if I cannot alleviate it by "fixing" the issue, then I leave, we leave and don't come back.  It is not worth her getting all PTSD about someone else's dirty home. She cannot control, neither can I, what decisions other people make....but, I can keep her away from those situations, thus keeping her grounded.

It will be nice, with Kevin downstairs.  If they want to visit, they have balconies, and her apartment is one flight up.  No driving.   I like the ideal of him being so close.  I like that for her, because she loves him and he is good to her, and good for her.

Tessa

The move

 So my landlord has twice told Kevin he would get the next available apartment in my complex (4 units).  Twice, he lied and put some little blonde girl in.  The last one he put in, he completely reinvited the entire apartment to exactly what "she" wanted.  He was fucking her....After spending almost 5 fucking months fixing up that apartment, for her, she is leaving.  I guess they are no longer fucking!

She is out this weekend.  And my Landlord called and told Kevin the apartment was his if he still wanted it.  So, the past couple of weeks, he has been packing up his apartment and will move on his next days off.

I am very happy about this...but I am dreading his move.

Currently Kevin lives in a 3 bedroom, with 6 rooms.  And his apartment is full of shit, every room is full to capacity and overflowing.  You see, Kevin does not throw stuff away, he keeps everything, using "sentimental, and I might use it later" mentality.  He is pretty much a hoarder.  He has stuff from the early 90's that are no longer in use today (computer crap), cables, whatever just stuffed everywhere and he keeps it all.  He has a hallway and complete bedroom of only Dallas Cowboy memorabilia and dustables...every closet he has is stuffed to the brim with junk.

As he has been packing, I try and tell him to downsize, get rid of all the crap..but this makes him angry....the apartment he is moving into has only 4 rooms, small kitchen with small dining area, living room, bedroom and bathroom.  Thats it....it is half the size of where he is now, and his apartment is crammed packed....where does he think all his stuff is gonna go?

There are 4 storage units to this apartment.  
Two of them are already full, one has my kayaks and tires, and his stuff, another is his "work space" with all his tools, a third is full of senseless junk that Kevin has brought home and is taking up space in a unit that is not "mine or his"...also he has his trailer here, which is also already full to the brim with more stuff....so where is he going to put all his "stuff"?   If he crams all that shit into that very small apartment, I will not be able to go down there.  Already I had a very hard time gong to his other apartment, because it was so dirty, cluttered and claustrophobic.  It is impossible to keep a place clean, when there are piles and piles of crap everywhere.  If he just transfers all his stuff into that tiny apartment, there will be no where to walk, it will not be relaxing and homey, it will be nothing but another storage place for him.

Kevin is very sentimental about stuff.  He also has had to work very hard to get by, and he has kept things to use later, if he needs them.   He is a dumpster diver, but I have seen him do amazing things with stuff that others are throwing out....and that is awesome...but there comes a time and a place, when you have to just get rid of shit, to update and declutter....Moving, is a great time to do that...but when I ask him about what he is throwing away or giving to good will, he just, basically shuts me up and tells me to mind my own business....He has an excuse to keep everything, all the time.   

After he gets all his stuff moved into the apartment, there will be more boxes and furniture than that little apartment can handle....will he just use the last remaining storage unit to cram shit into and never look at or need again?  

He is not going to be happy with this really small apartment, he is going to struggle as to where to put all his stuff....I see everything just being stacked up against a wall to the ceiling and never being unboxed.  He has a box full of DVDs, when I said, take those to goodwill, he was like "I haven't seen some of them yet", my reply "you have a firestick, just look them up and watch them"...he didn't like that answer and I see that big box of useless DVDs moving here...and that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I am so happy and relieved that he is moving in downstairs,  it will make it so much easier for both of us...but, if his new tiny apartment becomes just as cluttered and "out of control" as his bigger apartment, I will not be able to even go downstairs to visit, as it will be the same trigger...sigh

He constantly griped that I never went to his apartment...I told him why...but if his new apartment is as cluttered and dirty and  unorganized and full of piles of shit, trash and useless items...it will be the same scenario...I will not be able to go inside and be comfortable and at ease....a chaotic home forces a chaotic trigger for me.

Obviously, Kevin and I have very different backgrounds and ways we were raised.  I was raised military, where cleanliness and order were mandatory and enforced.  He was not raised that way....he turns a blind eye to overflowing ash trays, dirty dishes stacked up, piles and piles of trash mail, hoards of wood, wires, and stuff people throw away as if that is okay.

That is not okay.  That is lack of self control, self respect, and selfishness in regards to what visitors do not want to see.   

I am not knocking Kevin, maybe his hoarding tendencies, but not him.  This is who he is.   

I will not be helping with the move....I will not be helping him unpack, because it will just stress me out "why do you need these? where are these going? etc...and really, he will not have room, and all the storage areas will become, junk closets for him....

He also has a couple of things that will just flat not fit.  Wall space is limited because of smallness of the place...so much of his stuff has to go against or on a wall....what wall will that be???  haha

His move will be another test for me, and for him.  I truly believe that if he would get rid of at least almost half of all his crap,  everything just might fit comfortably and in a space that is appropriate for the tiny apartment.  We will see....

I guess the adage is true, you can't train an old dog with new tricks...kevin is an old dog that keeps everything under the couch, stuffed in drawers and closets, stacked up against walls and boxes and shelves etc...I doubt he will ever learn the trick to declutter...ha!

So, let my anxiety and panic attacks begin.....

S

Tessa