too many of me

 Well, we filmed another Youtube video.  Only this video was all Kevin, talking about what it is like for him, as my partner, having a partner with DID.

I now realize why my X husband would always retreat to the back office in our house....I now realize why his answers or comments to me were "I will pray about it"...I now realize why John put god and family and kids ahead of me and my well-being...its because I am a nightmare to live with or be around constantly.  And he could not and would not deal with me.

Listening to this video, Kevin gets real, about everything, arguments, the alters, sex, etc....his feelings...

I have never really thought about how he feels...He is always so tough, decisive and sure of himself, and he NEVER talks to me about his emotions or how he really feels...its always about "helping me, and trying to make me feel better".  I just wrongly assumed he was OK with being with me....and he is, but I now realize how fucking hard it is for him.

So watching this video, Kevin being real, hurt me to the core.  I am not hurt because of what he said, everything was true.  I am hurt because I just flat did not realize I was such a fucking nightmare to be in a relationship with.

Kevin has it way tougher than me...he has to navigate 8 personalities, with 8 distinct likes and dislikes, opinions and such, but the fact of the matter is, sometimes, oftentimes we are in a "fight" and he thinks he is arguing with me, when he is actually arguing with an alter.   HOW FUCKING FRUSTRATING MUST THAT BE?????

Listening to him line it all out in the video, has crushed me....seeing him get emotional on camera, broke my heart....the realization that I am causing him so much emotional pain makes me bleed.  

No wonder John never wanted to be around me, no wonder he took so many business trips, no wonder he was locked in the back room, writing or praying or whatever, he was trying to get away from me/us.  I totally get it now.....No wonder my family really doesn't care for me, no wonder I have no close friends, no wonder I have been such a loner.....I am a monster to be around...especially long term.

So how do I change this?   How do I get the alters to go away for good?  I use to get really aggravated with Kevin on his days off, lately he has been doing his woodworking, or working on electronics for friends,  he is around me, but he is basically in the "back room" just like John.

This is what I do to men....they want to be with me, but not "with" me....and I totally get it.....I would do the same fucking thing if I were in their shoes...I would avoid "confrontation of any sort" by staying busy, looking busy, trying to find ways to be and stay busy....

I also know that woodworking is how Kevin relaxes and unwinds, its his creative side, and its a beautiful thing.....and he certainly needs something like that because of me....

I cannot bear for the video to be uploaded....I cannot bear the thought of people actually hearing how I "abuse" Kevin....he sounds like an abused person trying to excuse the abusive behavior of their partner.

I cannot have a "normal" relationship.   Because I am not normal.   

I told Kevin, I do not want to do this video "upload it".....every part of my mind is hurt, confused, angry and sad....

when we talked about the subject of the video, I thought it would be a good subject, but when listening to the actual video, my heart sank to the very depth of the deepest ocean.....I CONTINULY HURT THE PEOPLE I LOVE.  MY ALTERS AND MYSELF DESTROY RELATIONSHIPS...

I am starting to come to grip with the fact that "I am alone, born alone, raised alone, was married alone, now alone again...."  I cannot keep hurting Kevin, and by hurting, I mean verbally or emotionally....he is an abused man.  AGAIN.  His first wife was extremely abusive to him....and now there is me/us.  We are no better than his first wife...in fact, we are worse, because we are a we...8 against 1...not fair, its like Kevin bringing a knife to a gun fight....he can't win, EVER.

I do not even know where to begin to apologize to him...I had no fucking ideal how hard it was for him...because when they are fronting, I do not know...and that is horrific to not be able to be held accountable because I don't know what is going on, what is being said etc....

I feel so bad inside....if you were to ask Kevin about all this, he would say, yes its all true, but, I love her, I understand DID and the complexities of this fucking mental disorder, so I get it.....and I am here for the long haul....

I have trapped him, he is now the fodder in a cage with 8 man-eating lions....even if he had the key to free himself (which he does have, we are not fucking married) he won't.  Just like an abused housewife making excuses for their spouses "but I love him, I deserved it, I provoked it, if I had done this or that, he didn't mean it, he loves me, I love him, he won't do it again...blah blah blah

Kevin is once again, the abused "spouse"....and its because of me/us.  

So the video made me so sick inside, I wanna die...because I love Kevin with all my heart and soul, yet I am slowly eating him up and causing him so much emotional pain....Kevin would debunk everything I have just blogged about.  He will acknowledge some of it, but clarify it with his words, he will think I am just "over reacting or overthinking" and he will blow off my opinion as nonsense.

He will continue to try and take care of me/us, while we, in turn, abuse him and hurt him emotionally....not intending too, that is just the nature of PTSD/ DID...you cannot control your emotions when triggers are there, you just snap...and that is what is hurting Kevin, and me....

I really should be locked up somewhere, because I am nothing but a fucking nightmare to have to deal with all the time.   I simply cannot have a "true" loving, sincere relationship with anybody...there are too many of me......

I HATE WHAT I AM DOING TO KEVIN...I HATE WHAT I HAVE DONE TO MY FAMILY...I HATE MYSELF...I HATE DID, I HATE MY MOTHER, I HATE THAT I WAS EVER BORN.  I AM A FREAK PURE AND SIMPLE...A FUCKING FREAK THAT MY PARENTS MADE.   I AM WORTHLESS, ABUSIVE AND DISGUSTING.   

I was told in my marriage, that I was a reflection of my husband....I was a representation of our marriage, and I must honor, respect and conduct myself in a mature positive manner....

Am I a reflection of now, Kevin?  If I am, I feel even more sorry for him.   I am nothing but a reflection of chaos, trauma and immaturity...and THAT IS NOT KEVIN....Kevin deserves so much better than what I can give him....I can't give him anything but distress....fuck

His words in the video, through ice cold water on my face, they woke me up to the fact that I am a monster, that I am a "out of control" person, so out of control, that my mind split....my eyes are wide open now....the hurt I cause others is now front and center...how do I rectify it?  Apologize? Try to do better? but then, how do I do those when I know damn well I cannot control the triggers or the alters...

I have hurt and continue to hurt, frustrate and confuse Kevin....now that I have heard the words actually coming from him in a raw and personal way on that video,  I am lost.

Last night I had a dream that I went into a room and there was this big snake, a cobra, and it was coming after me...and in my dream I ran away from the snake...Kevin also had a dream last night about snakes...coincidence?  I think not.  I AM THAT SNAKE, ATTACKING EVERYONE THAT COMES NEAR ME.

S

She is absolutely correct.  She does kill everyone around her.  We are not only protecting her, we are protecting others.   Its about damn fucking time kevin spoke the truth. and the truth is, sparrow cannot hurt us, but she can and does hurt others, and are we to blame, we don't fucking care.   sparrow is not a good woman, not at all.

sophee