reasons...

 Well fuck....

When I first purchased my Jeep, I joined 3-4 Jeep FB groups.  But each of those groups ridiculed me and bullyied me because I drive a Cherokee and not a Wrangler.  By far, it was the men that were such dick wads...But I was in a womens only Jeep group and it was much better, but one day a lady made a snide and rude comment about Cherokees, so I left a comment "defending" my cherokee and the other ladies in the group that happened to drive Cherokees....That group, deleted my comment and paused my membership.....So I basically left that group.

I found a group that was Cherokee KL only!  I was so excited to be on a group where everyone drove Cherokees and I wanted to learn more about the jeep....I joined and posted pics of my jeep and the mods that I have done.  

But again, some dick wad man dissed my mod, calling it "crap"....this really hurt me and I read the posts (where several men joined in critizing my Jeep, which is a Cherokee like they drive!  Kevin was furious and he responded to the post with a "beat down" to the guy....

Whelp, that group booted me....and it was Kevins remarks, not me...he said in the post that he was my partner, then he went on to ream that dick wad....

This really upset me, not because I got booted, but because, once again, a man had to ruin it with their fucking opinions and words....

Why can't people just keep their negative opinions to themselves and just scroll on by if they disagree.....why do they have to be such fucking dick wads???

I hate men.Just like Kevin always says "he hates women", I understand now why he says that...women have fucked him over his entire life, as men have fucked me over my entire life....Hoomans are just dicks

The only group I am in now is called "unbiassed"....they accept all jeeps and really mean it.  I have never seen any bullying or mean speak in this group.  Despite political, religious and lifestyle, they accept you as a "jeep" person.  Period.

I got my Jeep lifted almost 3" with rear stilettoes...and new bigger tires.  Sunday will be my first trail ride with my new mods, and it is with the "unbiassed" group.  I am so excited for this ride and to see how much better my jeep handles all those rocks and waterways.

So, I am trying to shrug off the "rejection" I feel because of what happened with the Cherokee group.  But, it is very hard....I fight feelings of rejection but they run so deep...

I invited a friend like 2 weeks ago to go to the Dogwood Festival with me....she read the invite, but so far crickets....so I will go alone today, as Kevin works.  Again, I am feeling "rejection" there too....she could have just answered "no" I can't go, instead nothing.....that is not a friendship.....so fuck it.

I still cannot understand why I have such a hard time having "girlfriends"...why?  Are they jealous, do I threaten them in some way, is it my religion of choice, is it the man I am with, is it the DID?   I truly wish a woman would tell me why they don't want to be my friend.

If I knew the reasons, then maybe I could work on them and become a better person or friend....but if I don't know why, then how do I change?????

Oh well,  I will go to the festival by myself, which is pretty much my life, alone.

S

Rubble

 This past couple of weeks have been a very rough emotional ride.  I don't know if its the shift of the atmosphere, the eclipse or what, but I do know that my empath tendencies have been on high alert.

I am super sensitive, and being sensitive, that has made me very combative as well.  

I have been picking up on others vibes...other humans and the others in my head.  It is very difficult to navigate truth, when my head is screaming 7 different analogies...I cannot absorb all the conflicting thoughts and emotions, so I vomit it all out.

Kevin is constantly have to clean all my vomit off him.   He is the only person I can truly vent to, scream at, fight with and abuse verbally.  In reality, the man that deserves this venting is my husband John.  Not Kevin, but John is not here and Kevin is....

I fucking try so goddamn hard to control my feelings of resentment, anger, sadness, confusion, frustration and desires...but I can only do that for so long, then I explode....all of me/us explode...and the explosion is spectacular!

I have been concentrating on my jeep, my critters, and myself...I am trying to be a better person, woman, mom, lover and friend.   I try so fucking hard to "do no harm" to anyone or anything, but that does not extend to myself...I harm myself in every way possible.   And its pathetic.

I am pathetic....I sabotage myself....all the fucking time...I set myself up for failure over and over and over....I expect too much of myself...too much of others...and this expectation leads to defeat, every damn time.

So, anyways I am trying to pull my head out of my ass....and I am trying to get my foot out of my mouth....

I have been reduced to rubble, so now I have to once again, rebuild.  FUCK

S

sleepy writings...

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with thoughts and words going through my head.  I have to write them down, so I can go back to sleep....these are a couple of my late night, sleepy writings....

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Can you hear me?

I am alive, in your head.

I have much to say, so

no need to dread.

I have books of notes,

and pages of stories..

So many snap shots of my life

just for only you to view.

Why don't you see me?

I am alive in your head

dancing, singing, and speaking

of what you dread.

A silent voice, you turn off,

Your choice

Why don't you see?

I am a life,

Inside your head....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wake up every morning,

chasing dreams...

Running through closets,

as you watch from bed.

Finding a knife

you hid it well,  

as I run through closets

tripping on a tale, 

you watch and laugh,

smile and groove

As I stumble through life,

tripping on a worn out shoe.....

S, Sammy

too many of me

 Well, we filmed another Youtube video.  Only this video was all Kevin, talking about what it is like for him, as my partner, having a partner with DID.

I now realize why my X husband would always retreat to the back office in our house....I now realize why his answers or comments to me were "I will pray about it"...I now realize why John put god and family and kids ahead of me and my well-being...its because I am a nightmare to live with or be around constantly.  And he could not and would not deal with me.

Listening to this video, Kevin gets real, about everything, arguments, the alters, sex, etc....his feelings...

I have never really thought about how he feels...He is always so tough, decisive and sure of himself, and he NEVER talks to me about his emotions or how he really feels...its always about "helping me, and trying to make me feel better".  I just wrongly assumed he was OK with being with me....and he is, but I now realize how fucking hard it is for him.

So watching this video, Kevin being real, hurt me to the core.  I am not hurt because of what he said, everything was true.  I am hurt because I just flat did not realize I was such a fucking nightmare to be in a relationship with.

Kevin has it way tougher than me...he has to navigate 8 personalities, with 8 distinct likes and dislikes, opinions and such, but the fact of the matter is, sometimes, oftentimes we are in a "fight" and he thinks he is arguing with me, when he is actually arguing with an alter.   HOW FUCKING FRUSTRATING MUST THAT BE?????

Listening to him line it all out in the video, has crushed me....seeing him get emotional on camera, broke my heart....the realization that I am causing him so much emotional pain makes me bleed.  

No wonder John never wanted to be around me, no wonder he took so many business trips, no wonder he was locked in the back room, writing or praying or whatever, he was trying to get away from me/us.  I totally get it now.....No wonder my family really doesn't care for me, no wonder I have no close friends, no wonder I have been such a loner.....I am a monster to be around...especially long term.

So how do I change this?   How do I get the alters to go away for good?  I use to get really aggravated with Kevin on his days off, lately he has been doing his woodworking, or working on electronics for friends,  he is around me, but he is basically in the "back room" just like John.

This is what I do to men....they want to be with me, but not "with" me....and I totally get it.....I would do the same fucking thing if I were in their shoes...I would avoid "confrontation of any sort" by staying busy, looking busy, trying to find ways to be and stay busy....

I also know that woodworking is how Kevin relaxes and unwinds, its his creative side, and its a beautiful thing.....and he certainly needs something like that because of me....

I cannot bear for the video to be uploaded....I cannot bear the thought of people actually hearing how I "abuse" Kevin....he sounds like an abused person trying to excuse the abusive behavior of their partner.

I cannot have a "normal" relationship.   Because I am not normal.   

I told Kevin, I do not want to do this video "upload it".....every part of my mind is hurt, confused, angry and sad....

when we talked about the subject of the video, I thought it would be a good subject, but when listening to the actual video, my heart sank to the very depth of the deepest ocean.....I CONTINULY HURT THE PEOPLE I LOVE.  MY ALTERS AND MYSELF DESTROY RELATIONSHIPS...

I am starting to come to grip with the fact that "I am alone, born alone, raised alone, was married alone, now alone again...."  I cannot keep hurting Kevin, and by hurting, I mean verbally or emotionally....he is an abused man.  AGAIN.  His first wife was extremely abusive to him....and now there is me/us.  We are no better than his first wife...in fact, we are worse, because we are a we...8 against 1...not fair, its like Kevin bringing a knife to a gun fight....he can't win, EVER.

I do not even know where to begin to apologize to him...I had no fucking ideal how hard it was for him...because when they are fronting, I do not know...and that is horrific to not be able to be held accountable because I don't know what is going on, what is being said etc....

I feel so bad inside....if you were to ask Kevin about all this, he would say, yes its all true, but, I love her, I understand DID and the complexities of this fucking mental disorder, so I get it.....and I am here for the long haul....

I have trapped him, he is now the fodder in a cage with 8 man-eating lions....even if he had the key to free himself (which he does have, we are not fucking married) he won't.  Just like an abused housewife making excuses for their spouses "but I love him, I deserved it, I provoked it, if I had done this or that, he didn't mean it, he loves me, I love him, he won't do it again...blah blah blah

Kevin is once again, the abused "spouse"....and its because of me/us.  

So the video made me so sick inside, I wanna die...because I love Kevin with all my heart and soul, yet I am slowly eating him up and causing him so much emotional pain....Kevin would debunk everything I have just blogged about.  He will acknowledge some of it, but clarify it with his words, he will think I am just "over reacting or overthinking" and he will blow off my opinion as nonsense.

He will continue to try and take care of me/us, while we, in turn, abuse him and hurt him emotionally....not intending too, that is just the nature of PTSD/ DID...you cannot control your emotions when triggers are there, you just snap...and that is what is hurting Kevin, and me....

I really should be locked up somewhere, because I am nothing but a fucking nightmare to have to deal with all the time.   I simply cannot have a "true" loving, sincere relationship with anybody...there are too many of me......

I HATE WHAT I AM DOING TO KEVIN...I HATE WHAT I HAVE DONE TO MY FAMILY...I HATE MYSELF...I HATE DID, I HATE MY MOTHER, I HATE THAT I WAS EVER BORN.  I AM A FREAK PURE AND SIMPLE...A FUCKING FREAK THAT MY PARENTS MADE.   I AM WORTHLESS, ABUSIVE AND DISGUSTING.   

I was told in my marriage, that I was a reflection of my husband....I was a representation of our marriage, and I must honor, respect and conduct myself in a mature positive manner....

Am I a reflection of now, Kevin?  If I am, I feel even more sorry for him.   I am nothing but a reflection of chaos, trauma and immaturity...and THAT IS NOT KEVIN....Kevin deserves so much better than what I can give him....I can't give him anything but distress....fuck

His words in the video, through ice cold water on my face, they woke me up to the fact that I am a monster, that I am a "out of control" person, so out of control, that my mind split....my eyes are wide open now....the hurt I cause others is now front and center...how do I rectify it?  Apologize? Try to do better? but then, how do I do those when I know damn well I cannot control the triggers or the alters...

I have hurt and continue to hurt, frustrate and confuse Kevin....now that I have heard the words actually coming from him in a raw and personal way on that video,  I am lost.

Last night I had a dream that I went into a room and there was this big snake, a cobra, and it was coming after me...and in my dream I ran away from the snake...Kevin also had a dream last night about snakes...coincidence?  I think not.  I AM THAT SNAKE, ATTACKING EVERYONE THAT COMES NEAR ME.

S

She is absolutely correct.  She does kill everyone around her.  We are not only protecting her, we are protecting others.   Its about damn fucking time kevin spoke the truth. and the truth is, sparrow cannot hurt us, but she can and does hurt others, and are we to blame, we don't fucking care.   sparrow is not a good woman, not at all.

sophee